Whining Thread #2

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by cornutt, Jan 23, 2008.

  1. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    ...as a parent of a couple of twenty somethings, what I would say is that you might want to try to to appreciate their position......most 20 somethings want all of the freedom and none of the responsibility...it really sucks for parents because they basically get told that what you do is none of their business, but they are still putting up with you coming and going as you please with no idea of how it disrupts their lives, worries them, etc...and while still bankrolling much of your life...lots of kids don't want to be treated like babies but they also don't pull their own weight or take as much responsibility as they should...I don't know your particulars...but I do know that if an adult child is living at my house and I don't get called that they are not coming home...if they don't care that I will be concerned...they can move out or they can deal with needing to call me...I would imagine that their real point is that if you are treating them as merely building owners and not people who are concerned, you can start to be treated like their tenant...now, if you called them and told them you weren't coming home, that's different...and you may be a wonderful stellar daughter and I may have it all wrong (edit to add; and I applaud you for notdriving drunk) but I am simply offering a perspective from the other end...those in between years are a hard road to navigate.... for everyone
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2013
    Joe and samina like this.
  2. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    Your house, your rules!
     
  3. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    Fasc. I completely understand that point of view, but at the same time I had told them that I had been going out for my friends birthday like 3 or 4 times this week, and had sent my mom a text saying that I was staying over that night. She didn't see it because she was upgrading her phone to the OS and I had fallen asleep before I had realized that she didn't recieve a response. I did not want to call as my friend was asleep as were her roommates and my mom frequently checks her phone, so I had assumed she would have seen it. Apparently it was just all talk and my parents have retracted that statement. I understand it's their house their rules, but they (or at least my dad) doesn't understand it's my life concerning other aspects. There are lots of factors going into this that have come to a head. I rarely ask for money anymore (I can count on one finger in the last year). Maybe I am being an ungreatful child. IDK anymore edit: they are paying for school, which I am forever greatful for, so I guess that counts, but I could honestly get loans and such just like many other college kid if they want to play that angle.
     
  4. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    let me first say that I don't use the term "my house, my rules" (that was Joe's)....and I hear your thinking on this and suspect that is was more of a combination of things coming to a head....I love my kids and they never mean to be ungrateful...I don't think they ever deliberately are...they just also have no idea yet what it is like to be ME...there is much to consider...you may not ask for money...but you do live there for free and while you could get loans, you can't imagine what a huge advantage you have in not being saddled down with the debt of student loans....your parents will always be worried...and the only way to create some distance on that is to live elsewhere...so I think you are probably going to have that burden to bear until you are graduated and moved on...

    and it will get better

    just as an illustration on behalf of parents everywhere...

    from my perspective what really begins to add up with my kids when they are home is the following;

    treating the common areas of our home like a dorm room...your socks, your drinking glasses, your books, arts and crafts, empty snack bags, etc....clean as you go...you'll "get around to it" doesn't work for me...particularly because we all know that you put off doing it b/c you know I can't stand it and will end up doing it myself....your room can be a pig sty...but only your room.....

    you love to cook? learn to love doing the dishes

    my grocery bill is two hundred dollars more a week when my kids are home, and my house is a mess, but they feel okay with making occasional observations about the marriage dynamic of their father and I, or about my food choices, or the color of lipstick I wear or about my fashion and home decorating decisions....

    if they are tired or crabby or stressed, I am the dog that gets kicked....yet, if we have more people than cars my schedule has to be messed with (like getting up at 5am to take their dad to the train so that they can take one of our cars off on some joy ride to see a boyfriend or whatever)

    if I mention the household chores I get lightheartedly blown off at best or defensiveness at worst...it only gets done if I do a full blown fit...for which I get treated like a meanie

    if I see a need for a (one- time) mild question about their life and/or a gentle observation here or there as what I should responsibly do, I often get treated like one of those hyper-hovering types which is so "not" me

    it gets old....and don't get me wrong...my kids and I are very close and can talk about anything... we all adore each other...I have wonderful, successful, mostly responsible, smart, mostly respectful kids who have never been much trouble at all..but it is still a PITA to have them home for more than a few weeks at a time....I know they feel the same

    but I am sure they have no capacity to comprehend this from my perspective...only from the perspective of how annoying I am...

    How about the fact that I might want to watch my stupid TV show on the big TV?...and I want to be able to get :cool:romantic with their father when and where I see fit...and I want to get up and have coffee in the room they fell asleep in last night...without putting on a bra...and they are perfectly capable of putting a new trash liner in the trash can...and for how many decades do I have to keep saying "it's a low flush toilet, stop using half a roll everytime you pee"?...do they care about that? ...no...because I am doing the plunging.....because letting them do the plunging would make me even more work.....my kids are good kids...they are delights...but they are not as delightful as they think they are all of the time...and they will not understand this until they have twentysomethings....please God let me live that long
     
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  5. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    I agree with that statement, that I will be burdened with this until I graduate. It's times like these where I regret picking a college 15 minutes from my house, even though I did it for a very sane reason of dealing with my allergy, and not going to a school in another state. Thank you Fasc for your point of view. It does help to see another parent's perspective and not just hearing it from my own. I'm just so conflicted. Edit: I know you didn't say the your house youre rules thing, but I figured I could at least address it as well.
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2013
  6. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I hear you...that tension (IMV) is a good and natural thing...because your presence there is supposed to eventually change...and this "in between time" is necessary for that transition to be made in such a way that everyone will be ready for it (maybe more than ready for it)...and, while it may be stressful/not ideal for anyone, most folks are (deep down) glad to do it...and, speaking for myself, when I give my kid an opinion, it is rare and only because I would feel irresponsible for not mentioning something I may feel they don't have full perspective on...I may be wrong, but I still may feel a duty to mention it...because I love them and am not done parenting them just because they are mostly grown...as to burdens...every relationship has its costs...when children are young, the cost is mostly the parents'....as everyone ages, the ratio changes...just listen to the way some adult children speak to their elderly parents...love involves work :)...anyhow, didn't mean to be-labor your innocent whine...just wanted to share....
    having recently been through a pretty concentrated round of that stuff
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2013
    stash likes this.
  7. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    This cold is really beating me down, and I really wish I could have come home early to take some meds and go to sleep so that I could be ready to teach tomorrow, but I stayed out too late, wore myself out, and my throat is killing me again. Why? It made somebody else happy, and if I didn't do that, then I'd be the assbag of the evening. I wanted to get done with the class and head home so I could take meds, make my nerd rounds, and go to sleep, but alas.
     
  8. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    Must not rise to the bait of masters.
    Must be patient for cheapie whore-pink shoes to arrive.
    Who the hell put this screen-protector on my phone wrong? It has air bubbles all the f- Oh... that was me.
    Will not exclaim aloud any time someone's mean to Mr. Bates (I got on the train very late, and am catching up now).
    What Cat wants, Cat gets. I should know this by now.
     
  9. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    Had a conversation with BF yesterday about dance frustrations with DP...including him not putting effort in to make dance a priority, being stubborn about grooming/costume issues just for the sake of it, etc...ended with BF advising that maybe the best thing to do would be to start looking for a new partner, then confront DP and say "you're not putting enough effort in to make this partnership worth it...please reconsider why and let me know whether I need to find someone else to dance with"
    Because long story short he won't tan, won't do his hair, won't buy dance pants, took him 2 years to buy latin shoes...and he does it all with parental financial backing. He lives 5 minutes away from studio so an hour of practise is an hour out of his evening...I live an hour away so an hour's practise is 3 hours of time. It's getting frustrating and to some extent I agree with BF...just don't know how to feel about breaking off a partnership that otherwise works pretty well and has been going on for 6 years. But, well, after 6 years we're still in the lower levels of dance...having been registered for 2 years...and I'm over it. I want to practise more, get really really good, not worry about taking 4 sets of dresses to comps...etc.

    A little conflicted right now. On one hand, I feel like I'm just going to get more and more frustrated with DP's stubbornness, and a new partner for me could mean he can dance with his GF. OTOH, we've got a good thing going, and I'm moving overseas next year anyway (for a year or so)...unsure.
     
  10. nikkitta

    nikkitta Well-Known Member

    I've noticed he looks, well... scruffy, in your comp photos. I take it that your coach agrees with your assessment of his appearance? Would he be more likely to listen to him/her?

    I had a partner who was exceedingly lazy, late to practice, often distracted, etc. to the point where my coaches thought he was ADHD, and put little effort into his comp appearance. I was lucky if his shirt was clean and ironed and that he remembered his dance shoes. It became clear that he didn't care and I reached my limit of tolerance and stopped dancing with him. Have you reached your breaking point? (it sounds close...)

    So how quickly do you think you would be able to find a new partner? Here in the US, depending on your level and location, it can be slim pickings :meh:
     
  11. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    It's really hard to find a partner at the moment...DP's GF has been trying to find one as well. The only guys available are 2-3 levels higher, and I'm not that good that I'd feel comfortable competing and practising with them.

    If you try to persuade him about things, he's incredibly likely to just shut down and refuse. Last comp, a judge told him his pants are too short...now he's "thinking" about getting new ones. Coach pesters him about tan and hair all the time...he just goes "no" to the tan, and "yeah sure" for the hair. I'd be willing to forgive him as just stubborn and idealistic, but, TBH, I think it's starting to affect our placings. He has very little shown confidence when we dance...shoulders slump, not projecting, etc...and refusing to tan because "that shouldn't affect our placings" is irrelevant when you look so out of place for being the only one not putting the effort in. I'm not at breaking point yet, but I'm pretty close.
     
  12. dancelvr

    dancelvr Well-Known Member

    After working the swing shift for over 10 years....I have to work day shift for the next three months. This means a complete shift in my life (and sleeping) schedule. Kill me now........*sigh*
     
  13. bia

    bia Well-Known Member

    How soon next year? As in January-ish? You've got two decisions, really -- what to do for the next several months before you leave, and what to ask for as far as expectations for the partnership when you come back -- whether you want to try to pick up again, leave the door open and see how you both feel, or just plan to go your separate ways dancewise. Given that you'll be abroad and that his GF is looking for a partner, I would imagine that they're likely to dance together at that point, which could complicate your getting back together as partners even if that's what you want. I'd say it's probably worth a conversation before you leave about what you each would like to happen when you get back, to see how close or far each of your views are. Not to say that things will necessarily turn out that way a year later, but I would imagine that it would be nice to lessen the uncertainty about it. And hearing what he has to say and what reactions he has to your concerns could help you know for sure what you want.
     
  14. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    yea...sounds like if you wanted to get somewhere, you should have let him go sooner...would be hard to find someone and do better in one year
     
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    as to his attitude...you can't make someone care...nor should you wait for them to have an epiphany
     
    Mr 4 styles likes this.
  16. bia

    bia Well-Known Member

    Yeah, however long you've got before you leave, I can't imagine you'll find a new partner before you go. You'll be a more attractive partner for someone when you're not about to leave for a year.
     
  17. nikkitta

    nikkitta Well-Known Member

    Lioness, I would seriously consider at least talking with these available guys. I wonder if you're underestimating your abilities. Have you danced with other (better) guys before? If not, you really really really need to know what it feels like! Oh, what a difference... :D:D
    Unless these guys are @$$hats, maybe they'd be willing to dance with you and give you an honest assessment.
     
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  18. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    I'm leaving in July next year...so not a whole lot of time to develop a new partnership. I think that's one of the main reasons why I've held off so far. After I come back, I'll almost definitely be moving on to another partner. The main problem with most of the more advanced guys advertising is that they're either from different states, or they're wanting to dance/practise up to 5x a week. I don't know if I'm that committed yet. I'll have a talk to DP and see what we can compromise on.
     
  19. nikkitta

    nikkitta Well-Known Member

    Bummer. Well, I still think it would behoove you to try dancing with someone who gives a flying fart about proper comp technique and appearance so you can feel the difference it makes in your own dancing. It certainly cannot hurt to attempt to open some lines of communication between you and these other guys. It also isn't unheard of to grab a temporary practice partner whilst waiting for a full-time comp partner.
     
    stash and Lioness like this.
  20. Hedwaite

    Hedwaite Well-Known Member

    It's Monday. I love teaching and dancing, but I hate having to referee and babysit the one creeper nobody else wants to put up with until I can catch him red-handed and check him.
     

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