General Dance Discussion > Wife dancing without spouse

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by nondancer, Apr 29, 2008.

  1. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    makes perfect sense to me.

    for me, i put my kids first for nearly 20 years and finally made investing in something for myself a priority. balances out very nicely.
  2. Kassia

    Kassia New Member

    Ok i have to say this.. Be supportive of your wife no matter what she does.. And perhaps you need to "bend" a little bit and go see what dancing is all about... You don't have to take lessons with her, there are lots of couples at our studio that take separate lessons.. People learn alot faster with just a teacher.. Dh & I are finding that our more and more.. Couples are not joined at the hip and need to have separate distractions sometimes too.. I've taken dance ever since i was a kid.. When i got married, and dh would not go with me, i continued to dance.. I counted up and this year is my 40th anniversary of starting dance.. Dh started about a year and a half ago.. He has a wee bit of catching up to do.... And now he says why was i so subborn about learning to dance? He's having a great time too...
    And get a hobby.. Drinking in bars is not a hobby!! It's an addiction.. You need to reasses your life honey.. Your wife has a useful, and fun, hobby. Why not learn something new.. Take a class, buy some toy trains, i dont know.. Do something that stimulates your brain too.. Learn to cook? speak another language?
    Most people also get the wrong idea about counselling.. You can't go to a counsellor a couple times and things are "fixed". Things that need fixing have usuallty been broken for awhile.. I found that out last fall.. Both partners have to be open minded and realized that you can talk about things with a councellor what you can not talk about at home.
    We went to gether but i think there should be some single sessions too.. But if you are not both committed to it you are just throwing away your money.. If you mind is already made up that it will not work, then most likely it will not. A marriage or partnership is nebver ever one sided.. Even the tallest and stongest trees will eventually break in a wind storm unless they can bend...
    Now is the time to look back at the things that are right in your marriage and concentrate on them.. Stop looking at the negatives..
  3. nondancer

    nondancer New Member

    Hi Kassia,
    I need to go somewhere but I just want to throw in a liitle humor before I leave. There's another post that is 144 pages saying that dancing may also be an addiction.I'll be back. Thanks for all the help.
  4. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    that it is addictive doesn't change WHY people turn to it....dude...I am trying to help aren't in control of her and her behavior(re: ultimatums)...youare only in control of your own behavior, which is what must change ...unless you just want to blame and run, which, while easier, it leaves you alone...or subject to similar mistakes ....
  5. Kassia

    Kassia New Member

    Is ballroom dancing like an addiction where it takes over your life i.e. clothes, shoes, cosmetic doctors, dvd's, no trips, etc?

    Hahaha you are kidding right? Everything that you do to excess is an addiction! If you wife wants to dance then good for her.. I find your comments, about your self, to be very negative.. How do you know if you will be good at something when you say I don't want to learn.. You will fulfill your own profecy right there.. I would guess that about 95 % of people that try and continue wiht dance are not that good.. If you can dance around a floor at high speed on a moving cruise ship then you are doing ok.
    My dh and i know, or are pretty certain that we will never be professional ballroom dancers. That we will probably never compete or dance in many showcases. But if i can go to a club, bar, wedding, etc and move on the floor like i do know a tiny bit about dance then i am happy.. Not everyone is a "dancer/singer" or what ever but most people are happy that they can go out there and not look like an uncoordinated spaz..
    And in some cases will never be the dancer and will remain in the audiance for the rest of thier lives because they can't take a small risk.. I told dh one time that i see the comfort zone as a ballon that can contract and expand when and if you want it to.. It is not rigid. My dh used to be very self contious when he was a kid.. Now that he is older and more confident in other aspects of his life, job, etc he is more confident in general. He doesn't care what others think.. I think everyone should try something at least a dozen times.. I don't think you can try anything just once and decide if you like it or hate it.. Altho i am not too fond of sea kayaking! Learning anything takes time and committment..
    Find something else do do with your wife that you both can do.. Dh and i go travelling together.. We RV in the summer and go on a cruise every winter.
    You don't say where you live but there has got to be something else you can do.. And if it is limited then go watch her dance!
  6. latingal

    latingal Moderator Staff Member

    Welcome to DF nondanceer! It looks like our members have given you some ideas to mull over.

    You mentioned your hurt over the situation, not anger. Well anger is usually just a cover for hurt. You've just skipped the anger stage, perhaps because you are sensible enough to see that anger would be non-productive and mis-placed in this situation. She is doing something she loves, a passion - a husband of 40 years would want to be supportive of something that important in her life.

    That said I think our members have hit some high points:

    I do think part of it is probably a issue of priority for both of you. She does not need to give up dance, nor do you have to sit at home and wait six days a week. A balance of time to do things together and apart needs to work for you both.

    And yes, perhaps the dancing is filling a need in her life right now. Is she naturally more sociable than yourself? Are there other issues in your marriage that need to be addressed? As fascination said before, dancing can make a woman feel beautiful, alive and appreciated. But it also can provide challenge, social activity, self expression and self discovery. Perhaps if you knew what she was gaining from her dance, you would have a better clue as to how to approach the situation.

    But dancing is a passion, and sometimes a bit of an obsession. And if she's got the bug, she'll want to spend time learning and practicing it. Which means you will also need to find a way to cope. And as some of our members pointed out, you need to find a passion that will occupy and satisfy you.

    I originally started dancing because my husband was so active in sports and out so much, I was left with quite a bit of time on my hands. Unfortunately our positions have now reversed since he has an injury that is keeping him from the sports he loves. And I would venture to say that he feels some of the feelings you are experiencing now.

    And lastly, in one of your posts you mentioned that you did not think it was anything in the marriage that was askew. In my humble opinion however, this type of situation develops when there is something missing in the relationship. I would encourage more soul searching on both your parts as to what might be at the crux of the matter. It might just be easier to conclude that her new passion is at fault, but I don't think it's as simple as that.
  7. nucat78

    nucat78 Active Member

    Plug in "relationship" for "marriage" and "broke up with significant other" for "got divorced" and you have my story although we originally started BR lessons together.

    And I think LG has summed things up very nicely.
  8. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    since we are sharing personally...dh and I started dancing ...i fell in love with it...I became crazed about it...he got too busy...I got more crazed....eventually he came to realize that we needed to get back to doing it together....and I so deeply appreciate it...

    likewise, we have adopted many interests for which one or both of us has varying personal levels of committment solely b/c it is important to the person we said "yes" to....many, many...over the past 22 years
  9. Dancing_Mom

    Dancing_Mom New Member

    I don't have much time to write, but reading through your posts quickly, I see you are retired and do have some other hobbies that take up time during the day.

    How long have you been retired? Does your wife work during the day or is she home while you are out? If you are recently retired is some of this the result of different expectations of what retirement would be like? I don't know your particular situation, but I have seen the case with my parents where one gets so wrapped up in their own personal agenda that the other is feeling left out. I sense this is where you are now - was she feeling this before she started dancing? Possibly she was expecting more than just meals together and visiting with friends? I'm not trying to accuse - just throwing out some ideas. Hope it helps!
  10. BM

    BM New Member

    I don't think that nondancer meant to truly compare dancing to alcoholism. ;)

    I'm going to quickly dig through my brain's repetoire of semi-useless interpersonal communication theories and briefly discuss Knapp's Model (I think).

    [audience groans]

    Interpersonal relationships (those between two people) have a two-way ladder's worth of stages (don't worry, we aren't covering everything):


    Typically, people will start from the bottom-left, then eventually work their ways up and over (some times stages are skipped or revisited, but that's irrelevant right now).

    Bonding is arguably the strongest stage of the relationship. It is a formal recognition of the strength of the relationship. The best example is marriage. Very few relationships make it to this point (out of the MILLIONS of people with whom we interact in our lifetimes, which includes the cashiers at every coffee shop we visit).

    Only people who have bonded can differentiate, which can either make an incredibly strong relationship even stronger, or serve as the first step towards deterioration. Differentiation occurs when one (or both) member(s) of the relationship feels that s/he has lost his or her identity to the relationship (e.g., people don't mention you without mentioning your partner, you have only mutual friends, etcetera). When this happens, a person may break away a bit to recreate his or her identity: take up dance classes without the partner, go to grad school, whatever.

    If done properly and openly, this can be INCREDIBLY healthy for a relationship. It is great for people inside of a relationship to have their own lives as well as those with their partners ("absence makes the heart grow fonder," or some such thing). However, if done secretively, or one party within the relationship disagrees with differentiation, it can be the beginning of the end, or at least a rocky patch.

    In short, I agree with another poster who said that you really need to talk to your wife to make sure you know what's going on and why.

    And that's enough of me proving that all that tuition money hasn't been wasted. :rolleyes:
  11. nondancer

    nondancer New Member

    Okay, we've come up with our plan, thanks to ALL of you. She said she doesn't need to read the threads because she believes and trust me (see I said we didn't have other problems).
    I now realize how important dancing is to her, it is like a lifetime fantasy come true for her. She must be quite good as she has already been asked to help the instructors with the new dancers. So she will continue dancing as many times as she does now. She does not think she wants any more.
    I will work at releasing any hurt feelings I have. Feelings just don't disappear overnight. I will also find things for me do do while she's dancing, I won't say what they are because I don't want any lectures but they will be okay with her.
    We will continue doing the things we do together and maybe add some other stuff.
    I may make it seem like a simple plan but I know it will take quite a bit of effort. After 40+ years it should work out. I believe the most important thing I learned is the importance of dancing to her and that five to six times a week is not unacceptable. Another thing is that until now I had not discussed the situation with anyone else.
    Again, thank you to all of you, I am very impressed with the group. If any one has any other suggestions just post them 'cause I will look in for a while.
  12. BM

    BM New Member

    Good to hear, nondancer! We look forward to having you stick around, and good luck with the game plan. :)
  13. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    beautiful. sounds like you have a workable plan.

    wishing the two of you lots of happiness. and happy dancing to your wife... :)
  14. latingal

    latingal Moderator Staff Member

    Joining others in wishing you the best with your plan!

    Would love to see your continue here in our community!
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

  16. nucat78

    nucat78 Active Member

    Yup! Communication is good.
  17. Easy

    Easy Active Member

    Wow I knew if I worked all day, you'd all come up with a solution. Kudos to you nondancer for talking things over with her. Growing apart is easy when you assume what the other is doing and why they're doing it instead of discussing it and letting each other's feelings be known. Most of the advice given was great, but I especially liked the combination of Peascinamina ;)
  18. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    now that is an uber-cool word
  19. reb

    reb Active Member

    nondancer - I almost posted a couple times, but the Dance Forums members did so well, I just enjoyed reading.

    You've got your future well in-hand. Have fun!

    Pretty impressive group of people - you're right (honorable mention to BM for her graphcs skills)!

    Sounds like you've got everything going for you. Now all you have to do is continue . . .

    That's the secret we need to help our team understand - pass it on . . .

    Doesn't come as easily for all of us on this team . . .

    Whatever it is, don't be thinking about what she's doing - be happy that she's doing something that makes her feel good about herself.

    Maybe this should become a Dance Forums case study!
  20. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    That is

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