General Dance Discussion > Wife dancing without spouse

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by nondancer, Apr 29, 2008.

  1. BM

    BM New Member

    Also feasible. The nice thing about people is that we really can't be pidgeon-holed into one formula. It varies by individual.
     
  2. BM

    BM New Member

    If I have taken only one thing from my Theory & Process of Communication, it's that model. It's just so . . . applicable. It was a nice week of "Eureka!"s when we covered that. I remember that a couple weeks after having been tested on it, I was out with a couple friends, one of whom casually noted something along the lines of, "You can't force someone to be in a relationship with you." It was difficult to refrain from interjecting with "KNAPP'S!" and launching into a full-on lecture (really wasn't the time or the place, I figured). :p
     
  3. nucat78

    nucat78 Active Member

    Ahhhhh! The lightbulb goes on. That could explain it.
     
  4. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    How many dancers does it take to change a lightbulb...heh...
     
  5. RickRS

    RickRS Member

    In my beginner group: 21, ten couples and the instructor to call "Rotate, Rotate?"
     
  6. Cras108er

    Cras108er New Member

    :uplaugh:
     
  7. dbk

    dbk Well-Known Member

    Maybe not, but she might want you as a *social* dance partner (you seem to be talking about competitive dancing) and heck, she might just want your support in general.

    She has a new passion in her life, but it's NOT a threat to you unless you MAKE it a threat. Trying to hold her back from something she loves will just make her resent you. Would it be fair to take a budding painter's pastels away because you want her undivided attention?
     
  8. brad

    brad New Member

    Hi all.

    Firslty thank you for the various topics and advice

    Is there research of both dancers and those that date them ( male and female ) , some stats on this ?

    1. is dancing/the arts purely about putting on a show
    2. purely about entertaining
    3. purely about creating the vibe people expect
    4. is it 100% non intimate ?
    5. if its initmate , which portion ?
    6. would you trust your non-dancer other half if they danced suddenly ?
    7. the backstage changing and being half naked/naked , is this respectful ?
    8. or is the changing a good place to perve ?
    9. are you tempted ? why ? by what ?
    I am currently dating a professional dancer , she dances all styles !!! from hip hop to salsa , cha cha , ballroom and the rest....

    yes i have my jealous moments ( few and far between , i am human ), no i dont want her to stop.

    i know the difference between something ( the show/dance ) being attractive and being entertaining and them being attracted to each other. Its like anything in life. Appreciating beauty but ending it there.

    i am 100% ok if its purely a show, entertainment like an actor and there is no attraction , flirting but i am sorry flirting, attraction means "temptation" it means "intrigue" and its these things you should be doing with your life partner not your dance partner.

    so yes this comes down to trust !!! but also understanding and communication...... i trust her and her me we have a great foundation , but we are human !!! , so we must communicate ... i can tell her what i am ok with and what not and its how she responds that makes me feel better or worse about the situation. If you get defensive and abrupt i will think you are doing something wrong , so talk to me , understand my concerns and let me understand yours..... and she does !!!

    i love this girl, i plan to propose in 2 months time !!! i am ok with 90% of the dance scene i only ask that a) she doesnt lie to me , if she is attracted or turned on by her dance partners we should rather call it off as its bound to cause problems b) if its all professional she ensures the others are pros too and dont cross any lines ... failure to do this is almost an acceptance of the behaviour which is not on. c) she doesnt perve over other guys/girls when changing ( relates to attractive vs attracted ) and if she doesn once again we should call it off.

    if its all professional , its all a show , no one is perving , flirting , cheating or being "tempted" then i am 100% happy she dances , for the rest of her life.
     
  9. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Hi brad. Welcome. :)

    Not sure how to go about addressing the issues you raise, to be honest. You've raised a lot of questions, many of which have either been fully addressed or at least touched on in other threads, from different angles. Not sure I remember a thread quite like this one though. "I'm a non-dancer planning to marry a professional dancer. Should I be worried about her dance relationships? " Hmm. I'll look around and see if I can find anything that might help. :)
     
  10. brad

    brad New Member

    Hi Pygmalion

    thanks for the reply. I will have a further surf.

    Please understand all this is really just me learning about the Arts , i know its different to an office job and i want to learn more , its important to her and therefore to me. I want to understand and be able to relate. its her passion and her career and i want to support her. I dont want any random silly insecurity to cause a problem so i would rather communicate with her , experience things myself and ask others.

    thanks
     
  11. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I'll look around, too. :)
     
  12. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Hmm. Most of the stuff I find is coming from the other angle -- I'm the dancer, how do I talk to/interact with my life partner who doesn't dance? Still interesting reading, in some cases, though. :cool:

    http://www.dance-forums.com/threads/how-not-to-scare-off-significant-other-from-dancing.35805/page-2
    http://www.dance-forums.com/threads...ce-with-someone-other-than-that-person.36859/

    There are also a billion threads on dance crushes, which may or may not be the most reassuring reading for you, right now.

    http://www.dance-forums.com/threads/crush-on-instructor.32597/
     
  13. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    brad the answer to any question in life that has 100% or 0% in it is NO!

    famous actors and dancers have all said something along the lines of

    "you have to love your partner at least a little"


    the best thing you can do to understand this world is

    ENTER IT!!!!!!!!!!!! learn to dance ...with her ( maybe not from her tho)
     
  14. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    dont read these until after the I do's:eek:
     
  15. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    There are many, many more threads that touch on some aspect of what you've asked (You've asked quite a few thing, ya know. ;) )

    There are no quick or easy answers. Sounds to me like what you're really asking for is reassurance that your GF/soon-to-be-fiancee is capable of keeping her dance relationships strictly business. Dunno. You and she are probably the best judges of that. What I can say is that in the time I've been exposed to dancing, I've known plenty of dance pros who were able to their dance lives and personal lives separate. Were they ever tempted? No idea. But, to me, life is not about avoiding all temptation. To be honest, at some point in your engaged/married lives, one or both of you will probably encounter some temptations, whether or not dance is involved.

    It's not avoiding temptation. It's withstanding temptation to forger a stronger relationship, IMHO.

    Anyway. Take a look at the threads I've found for you. I hope you find something helpful. :)
     
    danceronice likes this.
  16. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    so true pyg so true

    the mrs and i both dance am/am and we each have pro partners ( i have two sometimes:eek: )

    we both love our pros but we love each other more:D
     
  17. bia

    bia Well-Known Member

    A couple of thoughts on a few specific areas. First,

    This I would try not to worry about at all. If people are changing backstage, it's because there isn't time to change anywhere else. They're all in a hurry, focused on the performance, it's just routine for them, and it's not creating any greater risk than daily life.

    I would also try not to worry about the dance crush thing. That's something that seems to happen to people new to dance, often with their first teachers -- they're not used to that degree of physical closeness not being related to emotional closeness, so they get more emotionally involved than warranted. It's understandable, it's real, but it's not something that's likely to happen to someone with lots of dance experience.

    "Purely"? I wouldn't say so. That's a big part of it, and the image is absolutely not identical to the reality, but I don't think you can create the image convincingly without some authentic emotion. That said, the emotion doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the other performers as actual people. A dancer can find that authentic emotion in themselves in reaction to the music, the movements of the dance itself, the story of the dance, their real-life relationships, etc., and then use that emotion for the performance in collaboration with whoever they happen to be dancing with.

    I'd say that intimacy between dance partners is more similar to potential intimacy between other coworkers than non-dancers would expect. In both situations, you're spending a lot of time with someone, engaged in a mutual, often stressful activity. So whether it's dancing or a completely different line of work, people often become close to coworkers, and if they don't have self-control and/or if their outside-of-work relationship is shaky, workplace affairs can happen. I suppose that the risk may be exacerbated by the physical closeness between dancers, but I'm not sure, and if so, it's a difference in degree rather than kind. In any healthy relationship, you have to be able to trust your partner to interact with other people outside of your supervision. The more you can treat dancing like any other profession, the more likely I think you'll be to maintain a strong relationship that can withstand the temptations that happen in life, in or out of dance.
     
    debmc and danceronice like this.
  18. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    hmmm...as has been said, we have many threads on this...however, none of them can make one any more or less certain of whether or not they are able to trust their partner, or whether or not their partner is worthy of trust...trust is something you decide to do and then you commit to it...absent all but the most damning evidence to the contrary IMO... because no one should have to keep proving it...and no one can make anyone else feel secure...
     
    pygmalion likes this.
  19. danceronice

    danceronice Well-Known Member

    Well, regarding a), are you actually promising you will never, ever find another woman attractive, whether you plan to act on it or not? Ever ever ever? You'll never glance at a female coworker or waitress or anyone and think "She's pretty attractive"? And you actually think that being turned on by someone is completely under your control and you will never find any other person than your wife a turn-on, too? Because if you aren't promising all that, a) is unreasonable. We all find people not our partner's attractive and a turn-on. You really are feeling insecure (are the men she dances with fitter or objectively better looking than you and this worries you?) and want some sort of guarantee she'll ignore them no matter what.

    Regarding b), you're asking her to regulate other people's behavior. That's not possible. All you can do is trust if someone does "cross a line" (as likely to happen in any other profession as in dance) she will turn them down. That part is about you trusting or not trusting her. Either you do or you don't. Other peoples' behavior isn't relevant to that.

    C) is COMPLETELY about you not trusting her on some level. Everyone in theater/dance learns to just change when you can and as is already mentioned, usually people are in too big a hurry to care much what others are looking at--you learn pretty quick to be a grown-up. If you are seriously concerned about her "perving" on other people while they changed, you clearly don't trust her.

    Honestly, you sound like you've got trust problems. Like fasc said, either you trust her, or you don't, and you act accordingly. Personally I would need some HUGE piles of evidence to give a list of ultimatums like that to someone I was seriously thinking of marrying, not just "She dances therefore she must be constantly considering cheating on me."
     
    Bailamosdance likes this.
  20. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Thanks for resurrecting this fascinating old thread, whoever did. I didn't know it was here. Very enjoyable read. :)
     

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