General Dance Discussion > Women asking men to dance.

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by Spitfire, Oct 20, 2003.

  1. Chiron

    Chiron New Member

    That makes at least two of us... I love it when a lady asks me to dance. I always try to remember when a lady has asked me and return the favor later on (and usually in future nights).

    I also still remember all the women who asked me to dance when I was brand new and had little confidence in my own ability. Those women have permanent spots near the top of my dance card.
  2. tsb

    tsb Well-Known Member

    although in my case, a lot of these women are no longer on the scene <sigh>

    going back to tom's original post, for the women who are reluctant to ask someone to dance, they *can* improve their chances to be asked (all things being equal, hereafter referred to as ATBE, such as but not limited to: body odor, any natural handicap which limits their ability to continue to develop and/or refine their partnering skills, disparate height, etc.) by evaluating (on a general basis) their:

    - proximity to the floor, ATBE, i'd ask someone standing near the floor *moving in time to the music* vs. someone sitting so far away that i risk the chance of someone else asking first vs. someone sitting and engaged in apparent conversation with their backs to the floor;

    - deportment in between *and* during dances, ATBE, i'll ask someone who clearly enjoys dancing with me over someone who acts in a way that makes it seem like they are doing me a favor OR in some way projecting an attitude that they somehow *deserve* to be asked - let's call it gratitude for want of a better term;

    - partnering skills, ATBE, i'll ask someone who's more enjoyable to dance with;

    for the record, i acknowledge that other factors do come into play such as M/F ratio each person's physical attractiveness and age, etc. (ironically, i went to a recent blues dance and found myself trying to find someone at LEAST half my age to dance with!) but asides from those being things that we can't control, griping about or dwelling on them generally influences deportment negatively.
  3. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    Honestly, as for how I "select" my next partner: I just ask the first lady I come across when I reach the edge of the floor, no matter who it might be. I do make an effort, at least one or two times a night, to try to spy out ladies who aren't getting asked, and dance with them. Every now and then, I'll seek out someone for a particular dance. Other than that, it's pretty random.

    I actually went through a rather amusing sequence last Friday. I asked one lady to dance a WCS with me. She said she didn't know WCS, but to look for her for the next song. Well, the next song was a bolero, and she doesn't know that either. The song after that was a two-step, which *I* don't know. The song after that was a mambo, which she had already promised to someone else. After that was the break. :headwall: I finally got to dance a foxtrot with her after the break.
  4. BR-folk-square

    BR-folk-square New Member

    do follows outnumber leads?

    I guess the Chicago area is different. After going to maybe 12-15 dances attended by largely singles, at only ONE were the leads "greatly" outnumbered by follows, at one slightly outnumbered, at maybe 40% of the remainder there were somewhat more leads than follows, and at the others it was so close one would have had to count the dancers as they entered.

    Since I am relatively less experienced, and the women clearly prefer to dance with leads who are more skilled, I feel unwanted and now only go to a dance if I am going with someone. I'm not complaining, I understand that as a follow, it's all about what you are doing, while as a lead, there can be enjoyment from pushing the envelope and helping the follow do just a little bit more than they have done before. Several times I went to dances with a follow who had no experience whatsoever, and it maybe would have been a little more fun if she knew more, but as long as she could take my leads, we managed to dance most of the evening. Imagining being a follow, it would not be any fun to only dance what I had learned years ago.

    This has occurred in both the city and suburbs. For three dances I went to sponsored by one particular membership club, one had the significant (~12%) excess of follows, one was even and one had a moderate (~8%) excess of leads.

    If I can't get a partner, I go to a square dance (if I can get a partner for that), an international or ethnic folk dance, or do something not dancing.

    PS I have been told that in Country Western dancing, the leads greatly outnumber the follows.
  5. BR-folk-square

    BR-folk-square New Member

    To get back to the thread topic (sorry I forgot). At ONE dance ONE woman asked me to dance, but she was the president and probably did so with every first time attendee. At about half the dances, I was clearly there with somebody, so that probably that would have prevented any women from asking me.
  6. QPO

    QPO New Member

    I would have no problem asking a man to dance if he was sitting, I would rather do that than sit down all night and some men are shy and do not want that rejection of a women saying no. :-(
  7. I ask men to dance all the time because most men (except the advanced leads) are too scared to ask me because they saw me dancing comps with DP a few times and they think I wouldnt want to dance with them.

    Sometimes they dont know the dance and dont want to burden me with teaching them.

    Sometimes they dont think that I will enjoy dancing with them.

    I always ask these leads about 100% of the time. They just never ask me otherwise.

    Advanced leads does ask me all the time I never ask advanced leads as I dont see the point of them getting extra dances with me.

    Normally I dance about 50:50 ratio between advanced leads (which includes DP) and beginner leads.

    Since I am always the one who does the asking, I have control on who I want to dance with.

    I always give priority to gentle and pleasant beginner leads who I truly enjoy the company of.

    There are some grumpy ones who always think that it is your fault that their leads does not work. These I never ask. I will not reject them though IF they ask me for a dance which they never do.

    I have noticed most of the advanced follow in my studio follow the same pattern.

    Well, thing is one of the grumpy ones complained to the studio owner that I never ask him to dance and then left.

    Well, I did once and he was so rude and nasty to me that I swore I will never dance with him again. Neither does other girls.

    So he ended up sitting most night long being even more grumpier.

    What I dont understand is if he reallso so want to dance why cant he just ask me or the other girls to dance ?

    I dont mind having to ask these beginner leads all the time but it annoys me that some of them think that it is us girls responsibillities to ask them.
  8. etp777

    etp777 Active Member

    ok, it's way too late, and I'm way too relaxed (not a bad chardonnay at all ;) ) to read this whole thread, but there's absolutely nohting wrong with asking guys to dance. I certianl encourage it, esp if you want a second dance in a night. With our ratio of leads to follows, I do my best not to ask anyone to dance more than once in a night, even my pros. So if you want another dance (and you know you do, ladies :raisebro:), you better ask. :D
  9. Anchovynist

    Anchovynist New Member

    Amen, brother!
  10. Anchovynist

    Anchovynist New Member

    DGD, it was partners like you that made me feel like sticking to it when I had two left feet, not to mention dragging knuckles and a prehensile tail.

    Now that I've evolved and have a few chops, I wish I could take you around the floor once or twice.

    On behalf of all beginner leads (at least the non-grumpy ones) thank you so much for dancing with us.


  11. Thanks, Anchovynist !

    The pleasure is all mine .....

    I wonder sometimes though does it come across as rude to ask some people and not another if both are beginners of the same level .... considering I am a woman anyway .... I know it will come across as rude if I was a man.

    Like I said I will never say no to someone who ask me but I tend to ask people who I like the personality of and get along with a lot more often.

    There is this funny beginner older gentleman that I ask at least 2-3 times a night for dances. He does not have flashy moves but we always laugh and chat and have a lot of fun. So I keep on asking him .... I have noticed that some other beginner leads start to feel 'jealous' though ...
  12. Wolfgang

    Wolfgang Member

    This will depend entirely on the scenario.

    In a studio/lesson/class or 'studio social' type setting, it really doesn't matter who asks whom.

    In the real world - such as a night club or similar - it matters very much indeed and most men could easily go months or maybe years without one single female asking them to dance.
  13. and123

    and123 Well-Known Member

    um.... :confused:
  14. Anchovynist

    Anchovynist New Member

    One is reminded of DancingGirlDancing's comment:

    "I always give priority to gentle and pleasant beginner leads who I truly enjoy the company of.
    There are some grumpy ones who always think that it is your fault that their leads does not work. These I never ask. "
  15. samina

    samina Well-Known Member

    not sure what you mean by it mattering very much out in clubs...?
  16. wooh

    wooh Well-Known Member

    Being a ballroom snob, I don't spend much time in "night clubs or similar" so ballroom socials would be MY "real world.":)
  17. Wolfgang

    Wolfgang Member


    I swear, this is like trying to talk to Eskimos about the jungle......
  18. and123

    and123 Well-Known Member

    I think many of us are just saying that your "real world" is different than our "real world"; so trying to get others to see your "real world" view here is not going to be very successful. Agree to disagree, etc.
  19. bclure

    bclure Member

    I like being asked to dance. It seems to me that when you have a line of followers sitting out, it becomes less about etiquette and more about survival of the species so to speak. Sometimes I go to contra dances and the men outnumber the women, you have to be on your toes to get a partner, it really changes the dynamic. I feel for the followers when the numbers are out of balance.
  20. Fred&Lily

    Fred&Lily New Member

    DJ should introduce singles and wallflowers

    Where we dance on Friday evenings, the DJ introduces newbies and single dancers as well as taking music requests. This has the effect of putting everybody into circulation. It's called activation.

    At our Dance Club weekly group lessons, the instructor ends each class with about 10 minutes of music which he stops and starts in 30 second increments each time making all the leads move to another partner. Some older couples aren't comfortable with this, but it serves a practical lesson by getting everybody to adjust to new partners, better leading and following and a whole range of etiquette and social habits.

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