General Dance Discussion > Women asking men to dance.

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by Spitfire, Oct 20, 2003.

  1. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    Some overgeneralizations, that someone will undoubtedly validate:
    • Men do the lion's share of the asking to dance, because of archaic cultural norms.
    • Because men are supposed to be "superior" because of those same cultural norms, beginning male dancers are often intimidated by skillful female dancers, and won't ask them.
    • "Skillful" male dancers (in their minds, at least), take advantage of that "skill" to dance with and try to show off to young, attractive, beginning female dancers.
    Following these common observations, and the fact that at most venues ladies significantly outnumber the men, it it is harder being a follower than a leader.
    If a beginning lady summons up the courage to ask me to dance, the very least I can do is to cheerfully accept her invitation and try to show her a good time on the dance floor, regardless of skill level. Yes, I do take the risk that some slightly creepy ladies will take that first acceptance as an invitation to hunt me down for every dance, and I will have to find a way to gracefully deflect that. ;)
    Bailamosdance and kckc like this.
  2. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    from my own perspective, with regard to your second point, I have no idea in heaven or on earth why some men don't ask more skilled women to dance...I have always assumed that it was insecurity...but I don't ponder it overly much...I simply know that if I go to a social where there aren't a lot of advanced men, I will be sitting if I am not asking
  3. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    the risks of being a dance stud TT.....;)
  4. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    I will try to answer from my own experience, thinking a bit about where I was shy.
    When I think about it, for me, I was shy about asking teachers other than my own to dance, and in more recent times, unless I was pushed by DW, I would not even dance with our current teacher. I'll divide those into my California era, and current era.

    In the California era, the more senior lady teachers (in the sense of dance skill, not age), were very popular dance partners. There were many men at the parties that I perceived to be better dancers than me, and who were not shy about asking those ladies, so I was a bit shy about inflicting a lesser dance on them. Yes, I tell beginners not to worry about that, but I was not very good at following my own advice. The only time I would overcome that shyness was occasionally for Salsa, which was far and away my best dance at the time.

    DW was one of the best dancers at the place we went to in CA. Fortunately, in that case, I was not shy. :)

    As to the non-teachers, with the regulars I got friendly with, skill level didn't enter into the picture for dance invitations. The better dancers that I wasn't acquainted with seem to restrict their dance partners to a relatively small circle. There were enough other ladies that I didn't feel the need to overcome that perceived barrier.

    I was very fortunate in the level of dance available when I was in CA. Where I am now, there seem to be much fewer high level social dancers. Plenty of competition dancers that are very challenged when not dancing their choreography. This is kind of why I find myself gravitating towards WC Swing these days. Which brings me back to my shyness about dancing with ladies I perceive to be significantly better than I am. But I realize that for me the shyness is more about asking attractive young ladies who are skilled. Being an old, married dude, there's a creep factor for me there. Strange. If I don't feel physical attraction, I don't feel the creep factor either, and skill level doesn't matter.
  5. toothlesstiger

    toothlesstiger Well-Known Member

    I should add in, I mentioned I don't ask my current teacher to dance. She dances socially because she feels like she has to. She has made her opinion of social dancing clear on numerous occasions. :(
  6. newbie

    newbie Well-Known Member

    Last Friday there was a girl whom I wanted to dance with. At some point came a music piece I wanted to dance on. It happened that the said girl was available. Not only available, she even came to me and asked for a dance.
    If things were always that simple.
  7. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    I love it when that happens!
  8. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    The other day...well two Saturdays ago ladies were talking about dancing and said that they wanted guys to ask them. They didn't like asking, even though they have and do ask. The cultural norms are still firmly entrenched in the societal psyche.
    opendoor and fascination like this.
  9. Wolfgang

    Wolfgang Member

    Those skillful male dancers who are showing off to attractive female beginners (or not-so-beginners) obviously have no clue what really counts. Hint: It ain't yo' dancin', pal.
  10. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    agree Sag...i don't like to ask(edited)

    disagree IS about the dancing
  11. leee

    leee Well-Known Member

    Is it the car?
    JudeMorrigan likes this.
  12. opendoor

    opendoor Well-Known Member

    To set it right concerning me: Of course I dated those attractive female beginners, but showing off only was targeted at men (leaders). That´s the way it goes.
  13. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

  14. Wolfgang

    Wolfgang Member

    Height, looks,age,money.
    Dancing has NO chance.
  15. Bailamosdance

    Bailamosdance Well-Known Member

    Yes, I also want ladies to ask me to dinner, to dance, etc. Who wouldn't want the other sex to be the aggressor? And the point is.....?
    dbk likes this.
  16. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    oops...I don't like to ASK
  17. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    as an aggressive woman in many ways, i can tell you that I have never known a man who actually truly found it attractive...which is one of the many reasons I don't ask
  18. newbie

    newbie Well-Known Member

    Generally speaking I dont' like to be invited. I did not like it years ago when I was a beginner and felt that I was pushed into the arena and the lions. I don't like it now when a beginner comes to me and I know that the dance will be like my moving the furniture. I don't like it when the woman comes to me with some expectations "Saw you dancing minutes ago, t'was magic". Well I was with my partner and the magic is all hers. In rare occasions like the example above, the woman's invite anticipates mine by one second, and it's cool.
    I can understand Sagitta's ladies. By inviting a man they tell to the entire world that they're not getting dances. And if the guy declines, then the entire world can see that they're really really not getting dances.
  19. Bailamosdance

    Bailamosdance Well-Known Member

    Maybe I can rephrase my comment... Ahem...

    Who wouldn't want to be asked to dinner and have someone else pay for it all, Be asked to dance and have the other person make decisions et cetera. Who wouldn't want any of these things? I know it is an age thing,and I certainly come from the era where women 'expect' to be only the recipient, but it is not about anecdotal responses by men that keeps women from doing the asking, but I maintain it is because they prefer being the recipient of the attention rather than lavished (?). Equality is a better thing than this lol...
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    had an interesting experience the other night coming from two different men at my asked if I would be available for a dance during the social part of the show case and I said yes, and he said, but let's do rhythm because i just have no success dancing with R (my pro's ) students....and I was stunned, and asked what he meant and he commented about a past student who he had asked with whom it not only went poorly but who proceeded to school him...I stopped him right there and made him waltz with me and I promised that I would dance with him, not with my version of what he should went very well, but it never occurred to me that i could also be paying for the sins of others....and onto the second instance, myself and another lady came alone...we were at a table with a man who came alone, I went out of my way to periodically engage him so that he didn't just sit there locked out of a bunch of girl talk...and, in the course of 3 hours he didn't ask either one of us to is too short for me to take offense or wonder why...but I found it peculiar

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