General Dance Discussion > Women asking men to dance.

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by Spitfire, Oct 20, 2003.

  1. salsachinita

    salsachinita New Member

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

    I like Lita & DG's reply. Makes me feel better too :p !

    Re asking feedbacks......I always do, but very few give me a straight answer (too polite :? ?).

    Something CapricornDancer wrote last night explained something I've always suspected:
    It might be a personal style & preference issue :? ......

    *SC exists to work on being a more versatile follower :wink: *
  2. etchuck

    etchuck New Member


    It's taken me a while to catch up... but I have been thinking more about what Chris had said.

    Yes... darn "rules." Polite or impolite, this code of silence is exactly why the "creepy people" stick around dancing and are otherwise not weeded out. I'm one who does appreciate etiquette, but unfortunately I don't know anyone that teaches etiquette as part of a dance studio's core curriculum of lessons.

    Now I'm not sure. I think that people are most comfortable with people that they know at a social dance. That's a given. Familiarity makes people relax because you at least know what steps the other person probably knows. You may even know what lead to give or follow to do a really cool move. If you're an advanced dancer, you can whip out those gold-level or pre-champ steps with a person whose level you know from competitions. You can't quite do that with a complete stranger unless you can read the lead-follow technique within a matter of seconds of dancing.

    So there was another way to intepret what you wrote which I won't agree with. The familiarity above doesn't really foster true social dancing, which is that people dance with other people with whom they are not familiar. You can find out later after a dance whether your behavior was appropriate or inappropriate from your friends (or so I hope); you can't quite do that with people you don't meet except maybe once a month.

    As for MacMoto's comments: I enjoy asking others to dance, and I like being asked to dance. I have no one on my list (of followers anyway) with whom I don't want to dance unless they're true beginners and it's not possible to get them to do a basic step. If you're a really good dancer, even a good, competent dancer, I wouldn't refuse dancing with you if you asked.
  3. dancin/dj

    dancin/dj Member

    there are some women that are sooooooooooo hard to dance a particlar dance style with(say hustle for example) that i try too avoid them-however if i know them and have danced with them before(the bad style :wink: ) i try to dance say a merangie or cha cha ,so they dont feel slighted-usually this is a unspoken thing going on,i have no problem telling someone we dont blend well, if it seems to fit the situation-i know one lady where we agreed we dont dance hustle good together and were very friendly and i dance other types of dances with her if we so choice,so it can work :)
  4. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    That's interesting. The ladies don't get offended if you'll only dance, say, merengue with them? :?
  5. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    When I started latin dancing. I did mostly merengue. I did this as I did not know how to dance salsa at all, and really mangled everyone whom I danced this with. :oops: Now I'll try out merengue with those people whom I know haven't done salsa before. Often these ladies will be quite happy to dance with me, and I probably won't ask them to dance salsa until I think they are ready to follow in that dance. If they ask me, depending on my mood, I'm quite willing to tell them that I love dancing merengue with them and ask them to come get me the next time a merengue comes along. Now as to the getting offended part, I don't really see how that can occur with any sensible person.
  6. danceguy

    danceguy New Member

    I definitely encourage women to ask men to dance, but I find it a rare occurance in my area. I will admit I'm getting jealous reading about all the other areas that have more women than men (grrr!), as there are usually way more men than women where I go dancing. Some nights its close to equal, others its 2 to 1 or more. :evil:

    With that in mind, most of guys are fighting to get in the women who are regulars just get to sit back and get asked all night. Not exactly fair, but it is what it is. I get asked to dance every now and then, and I only say no if I'm getting ready to leave. I admire that it takes more courage for a lady to ask a man...however if a lady isn't getting any dances I think she should get up there and ask away! 8)

    I wanted to share a good experience from about a month ago that left me quite surprised about a woman who asked me to dance.

    I was out at my old Salsa venue...and met these two nice younger ladies who had come to the club together. Both had done little or no Salsa, and it was evident during the lesson that they didn't have much dancing experience.

    When the dance started I went and sat down since I was going through major hell at the time and really had a cluttered mind. I didn't have the energy to do much dancing, and then I look up and see one of those young ladies I'd met during the lesson walking towards me.

    Now let me just say, this girl will always have my admiration for her courage. Not only a stranger to the club, but a total newbie to Salsa and she just walks across the club (while her friend is watching no less!), sits next to me and says "so what are you sitting down for? Let's dance!"

    How could I say no to someone like that? Rare as water in the desert in my experience. I had a great dance with her and I felt bad that I was out of it mentally that I did talk with her much after that. But I promised myself that the next I see her I'm going to make sure to share a few dances with her...we need more women like that in our Salsa scene! :p

  7. tj

    tj New Member

    Hey SG, if your local scene is too small and there's not enough women, maybe you could ask your local instructors for a few flyers from them and then go post them up in places where your target demographic is likely to be...

    It's worked in the past...
  8. rails

    rails New Member

    SG lives a little north of here. I've never danced up there, but the scene here is pretty large, I think, and we have the same issue. Men/leaders usually outnumber women/followers at the dances (and almost always in classes). I don't know that there's much to be done about it. Men just plain outnumber women in the Bay Area. One female friend of mine speculated that it was because of the large population of gay men here, but even given that, I read an article in San Francisco magazine that said 2000 census estimates indicated that straight single men in the city outnumber straight single women by the thousands. And I'm sure it's even more out-of-balance in Silicon Valley (also in the Bay Area).

    Anyway, the practical upshot is yes, generally women don't have to exert much effort to get opportunities to dance. I'm familiar with two scenes here, lindy hop and salsa. At salsa venues, probably 1% of my dances have been the result of women asking me. Lindy Hop, maybe 5%.

    Even given what I've written above, however, I don't really have many complaints about dances. I've found the turn-down rate to be very low in both scenes and the vast majority of women are nice. For example, last night no one asked me to dance, but I asked about 12 women and wasn't turned down once. The experience levels ranged all over, but the attitudes ranged from pleasant to downright sweet. I had a fun night.

    SG, I may be repeating myself, but it seems to me that ratios are best on Friday and Saturday nights. Pretty even, in my experience. Last night I think women actually outnumbered men by a bit. However, Cocomo on Thursdays and the Glas Kat on Tuesdays have been pretty bad for me.

    The last time I went to Cocomo on a Thursday there was a rotating ring of about 50 guys standing around the dance floor all night, poised to pounce on women coming off the floor who looked increasingly exhausted as the night went on. I'm really not interested in sprinting after potential partners, many of whom look like they'd like to take a break. I haven't been back there in months.

    So I skip those two venues and I'm all good.
  9. rails

    rails New Member

    You know, most of the turn-downs I've had were from women sitting a ways off the dance floor. I guess I used to think that maybe they were just shy, but now I've concluded that most of them are away from the floor because they don't want to dance so I stopped asking. Is that bad?
  10. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    Look!! If you don't ask, you don't dance. Simple as that. When people near the dance floor are inaccessible I must hunt further from the mating...oops :oops: ...dancing grounds. :wink:
  11. MacMoto

    MacMoto Active Member

    Note to self: Go to San Francisco to get a taste of dancing-without-having-to-ask nights.

    If anyone here know of any other lead-heavy salsa scenes, please do let me know. I have no qualms about asking men to dance, but I do like it when I get lots of dances without having to stalk leaders... :lol: :wink:
  12. etchuck

    etchuck New Member

    I talked to a few people in the salsa scene here. Go to salsa clubs, apparently it's very lead-heavy. Go to swing or ballroom dances, it's very follower heavy.


    So all the more reason why everyone should learn as many dances as possible. :)
  13. danceguy

    danceguy New Member

    Hi Rails,

    Long time no see! I was down at the Roccapulco a few weeks ago and finally went to the lesson and met the teachers. Although I was physically exhausted and not dancing much, I thought the balance was pretty good. At one point there was a lot of women waiting to be asked and it looked like everyone was having a great time. Well, then there was this crazy Asian girl who kept having her friends spin her 500 times in a row...yikes I stayed far away from to watch though. :)

    Actually, since I was just sitting most of the night and so darn tired, I had a woman who was a complete stranger ask me to dance as I recall. Very good follower too! Hopefully she didn't mind that I stepped on her me next time I go I will be in better spirits (or better yet, just drink some!). :wink:

    I've been meaning to ask you about Maikos...a lot of folks from around here say its really low key. Is there ample parking nearby? I've been thinking of heading down there but have had too much going on to find the time. Another person recommended the Allegro Ballroom on Sundays down in Emeryville...I hear they draw large crowds.

    Overall I've found the gender balance to be more even in the bay its always really lead heavy for Salsa events (the few that we have, there's only one main one). For Ballroom, its usually fairly even...a few extra men at times, but I don't go out all that often.

    Are you coming to the Pancho Sanchez concert on Aug 1st (look in the anouncements section)? I hope we get a good crowd...last year when Jimmy Bosch played there were a lot of Salsa dancers but I was a total greenhorn and didn't dance much. And there was a TON of extra women and I regret not dancing more (well I had no idea how to dance then!)...but this year will be different! 8)

    Take care,

  14. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    MacMoto ... the stalker? :shock: :lol: Somehow that doesn't fit my image of you. I can understand it, though. 8)
  15. tj

    tj New Member

    Not that it matters, but this kinda thing interests me (demographics). Did a quick search and the percentages from the 2000 Census for SF is 50.8% Male and 49.2% Female. So yes, this is about 10,000 more men out of a population of 800,000. Like you say, probably worse in Silicon Valley.
  16. salsachinita

    salsachinita New Member

    Demographics interest me too :p !

    I would like to know what mine the heavy leads occurance only happens in partner dancing venues, according to others :? .

    I have a somewhat more relaxing (or less stalking :lol: ) time in Sydney, as the salsa scene there is a wee bit more leads heavy (but still having to ask as I'm a relatively new face there).
  17. rails

    rails New Member

    Okay, I found the article.

    I'd be willing to bet that that number has grown since 2000 and the dot-com bust, but evidence would be anecdotal.
  18. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    Lead heavy? last couple nights that's the way it has been here. Hmmm....I find followers heavy sometimes. Seriously. In AT tonight there are some people who are light and esay to move, and others whom I seem to struggle with. :? :oops:

    It all comes down to my lead. The other night I was told in rueda it was a gentle lead and they liked it...and that's how I like my leads to be. Wait a moment! Well, actually I like something a little heavier as a follow since I'm a little deaf - a personal leader/follower inexperience imbalance. :oops:

    My head is spinning. Just realized I changed topic with almost every other sentence. I'm going to lie down now.
  19. rails

    rails New Member

    Yup, low-key it is. It's a small venue with mostly intermediate and beginning level dancers. The crowd tends to be older than Roccapulco and Cocomo on the same night. In my experience you can always find a decent amount of dance space too. I actually went there last Saturday. There were a lot of beginning follows so I spent most of the night doing the simplest of patterns, breaking away for shines or just goofing around in closed position or open/double hand-hold. Oh yeah, there's plenty of parking on the street.

    Frankly, Allegro on Sundays may be THE place for salsa in the area. It's a studio. No alcohol and no atmosphere, but the floor is large and it attracts big crowds of people who are there only to dance. It wouldn't surprise me if there were the same number of people there as, say, Cocomo on a Saturday. However, at the latter half the people are there to have drinks, yell into each other's ear, listen to the band and flirt with strangers. Not that there's anything wrong with all of that, but it's quite different from the pure dance crowd you see at Allegro.

    Thanks for the word. I won't be able to make it up there this weekend, but have a blast. Should be quite a change for you from last year.
  20. MacMoto

    MacMoto Active Member

    Women asking men to dance

    There are already threads on this topic, and I think we pretty much agree that it's a perfectly acceptable thing to do, but this time I'm interested in finding out how many people actually do it, how often and why/why not.
    These days I do MOST of the asking :oops: -- maybe about 70-80% of the dances I get I get by asking rather than being asked -- but I do not think this is common.

    Ladies, do you ask guys to dance or do you normally wait to be asked? If you do ask, how often? Do you ask anyone or just guys you know/danced with before? What factors do you consider when you decide to ask (or not to ask)?

    Guys, how often do you get asked by women? Are you asked mostly by women you've danced with before, or do strangers come up to you to dance?

    I do most of the asking because:
    - I hate sitting out songs -- I go to dance venues to DANCE, not to chat or watch.
    - I live in a follow-heavy scene.

    And I actually like asking because:
    - That's the best way to make sure you get to dance with your favourite leads in a follow-heavy scene.
    - You can match the partner with the song. When the intro of a song starts, I think: "which leader do I want to dance to this song with?" and go get the man :lol:, or one of the suitable men. It may be a Cuban vs. LA thing (if the song has a strong flavour) or more to do with the lead style (soft & sensual, funky, playful, dynamic, etc.). Also, you need to choose the song.

    In other words, I do it because asking increases your chance of getting a good dance fix.

    I also ask strangers (as evident from the "How many strangers can you dance with" Day thread), but when I'm at a venue that attract a lot of non-dancing, drinking crowd, I only ask the guys I've seen dancing earlier and know to be dancers. I can't think of a situation where I'd only ask guys I know/have danced with but that's just me :roll: :lol:

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