General Dance Discussion > Women asking men to dance.

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by Spitfire, Oct 20, 2003.

  1. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    I usually do the same, if a lady comes up to talk to me. :)
  2. jon

    jon Member

    It's great, as long as the woman is someone I enjoy dancing with, and not crazy.
  3. clave

    clave New Member

    MacMoto wrote:
    > And yes, I want to know what guys feel about being asked by women too!

    I love it but it hardly ever happens in the salsa scene. I never refuse a dance, but I imagine if you're asking a superstar dude a refusal for various good reasons is more likely, so ask no more than once per evening unless you know the person.
  4. Spitfire

    Spitfire Well-Known Member

    Re: Women asking men to dance

    I get asked most often by women who I've danced with before, but it's not unusual for ones who are strangers to ask.
  5. blue

    blue New Member

    Hi... and welcome Tetsuyama... um, what is it like to dance with a Steelmountain? 8) It sounds... well, should be steady as a rock. :)
  6. MacMoto

    MacMoto Active Member

    :shock: Talking from experience are you Jon?

    Yes, this is one rule I follow when I don't know the guy (except when we are SERIOUSLY short of men).

    Welcome to DF, Clave :)
  7. jon

    jon Member

    Yes. Without going into gory details, suffice it to say that I have been close to several women who were clinically moderately to severely mentally ill (severely as in "self-committed for considerable periods of time, and unable to function even marginally in day-to-day life without a combination of frequent psychotherapy and lithium"); that these women had become very good at hiding their problems in casual social interactions and it only became apparent once we were involved; that relationships with such people are very draining in terms of the emotional energy flow, and very frustrating and unsatisfying; and that as a result, while I feel compassion for anyone suffering that degree of mental illness, I will not ever again voluntarily become close to someone with such problems.

    So I am very, very careful about interacting with anyone who show anything that I interpret as a sign of craziness. Better safe than sorry.
  8. Shoe Kitty

    Shoe Kitty New Member

    Women asking men to dance

    2 interesting dynamics:

    1) Last night I met someone who said she would never ask a man to dance because she didn't want to beg. She said that she'd been around for long enough for everyone to know who she was and what her dance skills were, and that if they wanted to dance with her, they would ask.

    2) She also mentioned that she felt that if she asked the guy to dance, then she would feel the pressure of being expected to be able to follow everything he led; while if a guy asked her, then it was his risk - whatever she could do, that's what he got.

    (Apologies if you read this forum, but I thought these were very interesting questions!)

    I've only been dancing in this scene a few months and have totally different ideas about both these things.

    On the former, I feel like, if I want to be on the dance floor and no one has asked me to dance, then I have to go out there and get someone. I do remember that when I was growing up, girls didn't ask guys out on dates, but I kind of deleted that concept from my mind in recent years at least when it comes to just being out social dancing.

    On the latter, my observation has been that most leads guage my dancing level pretty quickly and based on their own skill level, respond in their own way. (I dance at I guess advanced beginner or intermediate level.) The least skilled leads only lead basics, intermediate leads lead stuff at about my level, and the most competent leads lead just slightly above my level, but not beyond, both inspiring and challenging me.

    What do the rest of you think? (both leads and follows)
  9. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    Re: Women asking men to dance

    No need to apologize.

    I am happy to meet a kindred spirit Shoe Kitty. I believe that if women come to dance and don't get enough dances they should ask men to dance. I don't think asking a leader for a dance naturally begets the expectation that the follower should be able to follow everything that a leader does.

    But, then, I'm a little different from most people. When I dance I expect there to be a trully equal partnership. I give my partner a lot of free rein and opportunities to do stuff. I don't mind hijacking, and enjoy playing around. Take this week for instance. I started dancing with this wonderful lady on Tuesday night. By Saturday I was doing a lot more complicated moves with her and we were doing some playing back and forth while dancing our restful laidback style. :)
  10. Shoe Kitty

    Shoe Kitty New Member


    (I was apologizing to the woman I was talking to last night in case SHE reads this forum.)
  11. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    Re: (Apologies)

    Oops. :oops:
  12. youngsta

    youngsta Active Member

    I think you've got the right idea. If you don't take the initiative to ask sometimes you'll end up sitting out songs far more often than you'd like. How is it begging to ask someone to dance? I'm not sure where that kind of thinking comes from.

    As far as part 2 to the question, well...welcome to our world! :lol: No, all joking aside, you're not putting on a performance out there. No reason to put pressure on yourself like that to expect to follow everything thrown out there. Just go out there, relax, and dance your heart out. That's all we as leads need from a partner :wink:
  13. motardmom

    motardmom New Member

    She's thinking about it too much, overanalyzing it. She needs to let go and just have a good time.

    I think if women want to dance and they are not, they should ask. I have never begged for a dance. I have walked up to a man and asked him politely for a dance before, out of the blue. More often than that, tho, I will try to catch someone's eye, nod my head towards the floor, and they will often catch my drift. My scene is lead-heavy, I'm not often the one doing the asking. But I totally would. It's not that big of a deal. I'm a big girl, I can be responsible for my own dancing enjoyment. But often if I need a rest or have an off night, guys will stop asking after I've turned them down a couple times and so I when I'm ready to start dancing again, I need to encourage them.

    And about pressure... She's overanalyzing again. She needs to think less and feel more. I think the more she thinks about pressure and expecation the less she's going to just enjoy the dancing. He's probably not analyzing her, he's probably wondering why she feels so tense. And she's probably tense because she's worried that she's not meeting his expectations - when he probably doesn't have any.

    Just chill........
  14. amrimi

    amrimi New Member

    I only ask guys that I know for a dance because in my scene (salsa) it is not very advisable to ask guys that one doesn't know. More often than not girls that ask a guy for a dance become subject to groping. So that is something that I really want to avoid. But if there is a guy I would like to dance with I might still end up dancing with him, but I have to be more subtle than just walk up to him and ask. Most of the time the time it works pretty good if I position myself somewhere near him and start dancing little bit by myself. Usually this will catch his attention and then he will come up himself and ask me and I have avoided the problem of asking him and I'll be save from groping.
  15. Lucretia

    Lucretia New Member

    Re: Women asking men to dance

    I believe this is the major point - lack of confidence. I argued the same when I was a true newbie in Salsa. Now I feel more confident and ask guys for a dance.

    Perhaps you or someone else can help her to feel more confident.
    Perhaps the problem is of a much more deep nature than "just" dancing.

  16. dancin/dj

    dancin/dj Member

    ask ask ask, i like it when ladies ask me to dance(unless she"s someone who pulls and yanks and dips herself :shock: )please dont dip yourself ladies especially if your reallllllllllllly big :shock: (im really good at dips and lifts but i need too do it with whom and how too so its done right) anyway go for it,i tell all my female friends to ask guys too dance ,unless you live somewhere like this young lady mentioned in germany where in salsa you could get groped, so other than those type of situations that mindset (waits for guys to ask ) all the time -ahhhhhhhhhhhh (old school) even in the dating world be more bold and you may get what you want :) ,when i was growing up(in the 70"s) young girls would have there girlfriends call on the phone and say so and so likes you, do you like her? and i say yeah, and bam, they put her on the phone-yeah baby, girl power 8) work it girls work it.
  17. blue

    blue New Member


    Is the risk of groping less if the unknown guy asks you to dance? If so, there is some strange dynamics at work here. I mean, why would a guy grope if asked to dance but not when he asks himself?
  18. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    Because if a girl asks she is coming on to a guy, or indicating that she wants him, perhaps?
  19. blue

    blue New Member

    In a dance setting? Well... these guys can't think too much of themselves as dancers, then :shock: assuming it is something else that she wants.

    Maybe you are right. To me it sounds more like "good girls don't ask" so if you do ask you are not a good girl. I am just speculating, though.
  20. Sagitta

    Sagitta Well-Known Member

    True. Perhaps in Germany...grope settings etc..

    Not where I am. Those who do ask have a lot more fun - I have checked. :)

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