Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by fascination, May 10, 2009.
ah...too bad...I loved it...but then, I am a sap
I love you so much, Peaches! So much.
I thank you on behalf of your brother and SIL. You absolutely rock when it comes to helping folks. You rock. If you have to get them groceries again, find out if SIL likes Boost or Ensure. ETA: Or Carnation. Or probably others. Those whatcha callit nutritional drinks saved my potatoes, when DS was a baby. I had no help, much of the time, when DS was a baby. During the day when my GFs were at work, I could grab a Boost and drink it while DS was torturing me with his alternate screaming, pooping, nursing and whining. lol. Thank God I had one GF in particular who would come over after work and bring food. But, during the day, Boost and Ensure saved me.
Oh yeah and re: baby holding. Here's the deal, P. Holding a baby is something that passes. Babies don't even want to be held, once the first several months pass. (Except by Mommy when they're sick. And even that passes.) They want to explore and crawl or run around and play.
Being a freaking awesome cool Auntie is something that can start when the kid is four (or whatever age is comfortable for you) and last for the rest of your life, if you want it to. Not liking babies DOES NOT mean not liking your brother's kidlet.
You are a good person.
Thank you, P. I don't know if you realize how much it helps to "hear" that.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about why I've felt so angry and resentful about this whole thing, and how best to approach the subject with my mom in a constructive way so that I can get my point across instead of just inflaming the situation further. I've come to realize that part of why her insistence really bothers me is that it makes me feel like the contribution I can make is not worthy (because it doesn't fit the expected mold). And, because the contribution I can make is a direct result of my sort of personality (planning, logical, etc.), it feels like a direct rejection of me. That's pretty hard to swallow.
But when I realized that, I realized that I can also have a way to frame it for my mom. It's very like her situation with her brother regarding their parents (my grandparents). My uncle is very good at handling the logistics, and the planning, and the matter-of-fact dealing with the day-to-day stuff, but can't handle the emotional side of things at all. My mom can't deal with the hard details (and is also 10 hours away), but is very good at managing the emotional/interpersonal side of things. Nonetheless, my uncle often gets angry at my mom for balking at the stuff she's not comfortable with (helping them to shower, etc., is one stark example)...while my mom pleads that they each have their strength and why can't he recognize her contribution to the situation.
It's kind of underhanded, but I'm thinking that if explain it to her along these lines, and relate it to her struggle, then maybe she'll see the parallels. One can hope.
Good going. Mom-nipulation in reverse. lol. J/K!
My take, P, is that life milestones make people revert to their stress personalities. Babies, marriages, deaths, layoffs. People aren't themselves. They are frozen caricatures of themselves, entrenched in idealized positions.
Your Mom wants to be the perfect Grandmom and the matriarch of the perfect family. Your not being a baby person doesn't fit. That doesn't mean she doesn't value your contributions. she's just dealing with other stuff. Just like you're having to deal with being always the Auntie and never the Mom, your Mom is having to deal with being the Grandmom, with whatever baggage that brings her. Both of you are in transition. It's hard.These are my two probably misguided cents.
Only because I love you, I will share a personal story. When DS was born by emergency c-section, he was away from me for roughly the first 24 hours of his life, while I was coming out from under anesthesia. When I got him, he already had nipple confusion, which means he didn't want to nurse. He wanted a bottle, but he didn't want me. When my Mom came to visit and "help" me, she tormented me. There's no other word for it. She could not wrap her mind around the fact that DS and I could not successfully nurse without problems. All of her kids had nursed without a problem. So I must have been doing something wrong. That is the only time in my life that my mother drove me to tears. As much as I resented her sorry behind and wanted her to just go the hell home and leave me alone, I knew even then that her *stuff* wasn't about me. It was about her trying to be a good Mom and a good Grandmom and trying to make me, her "baby," fit her idealized vision of how things should be.
This is not about you, P. Your Mom (probably) has her stuff to deal with too.
Hope I didn't offend you, P. I didn't mean "It's not about you" in the "Don't be selfish," pejorative kinda way. I meant it in the, "It's not about your 'inadequacies;' it might be about your Mom's baggage" kinda way.
Online communication can be so limiting, sometime. *sigh*
Yesterday. Yes. My neighbor died. Heart attack. Very, very sobering. He was somebody I knew only by sight. But still. *sigh*
Lie around much of the day, feeling not up to par. Minor health issue that I ignored is now not as minor. It definitely won't kill me, but I suspect that prescription strength antibiotics may be required before I feel better. Apply home remedies and hope. DS hovers all day, tucks me in bed, checks for fever, etc. I simultaneously think he's sweet and worry that he shouldn't feel that he has to take care of me. Of the two of us, I should be the one doing the care-taking.
Finally find a Wii U at Gamestop.com. To store and purchase gift cards to buy it online. (Must maximize opportunities to get gas discounts. $400 in gift cards = $1.60 off per gallon. Very cool.)
Snafu. Can't buy the Wii U Black (32 Gig of memory for $349) online tonight. DS decides to buy White (Only 8 Gig $299 and the only one that's in stock) at the store tomorrow. I am not happy about this, but I can't argue with his bird in the hand argument. I'm hoping the folks at the store can order him a Wii U Black.
Check with DS on the particulars for his date. He "forgot" to find out about what time the concert will be. "Uhh... DS. Had you considered the fact that showing up at the right place and time is kinda important?" (This boy is clueless. lol) To school website and find time and location. DS and "just some girl" will meet there.
Make date of my own, to go see a movie with DS in the morning, before he goes off into Being a Man Land and goes on his first date ever. He chooses Wreck It Ralph over Skyfall. Seriously. A kids' animated film at 10:00 in the morning. A date with an actual girl (concert followed by ice cream) at 3:00 in the afternoon. The juxtaposition of these two things says a lot to me about where DS is in life. Standing at a crossroad. I really love my boy. I'll love seeing him as a man, as well. But right now, he's still my boy. *insert gushy emotional stuff*
That's about it, other than re-watching many episodes of Law and Order SVU.
Zzz pretty early.
Just a hijack...it wasn't so much that Colorado decided to allow guns on campus as they acknowledged that guns are going to be on campus so let's set aside specific dorms for those that are going to have weapons so we can provide adequate storage. Colorado is still very much the wild west in many ways and personal weapons are omnipresent. Short story to illustrate: I went to the sheriff's office to apply for a license to carry a concealed weapon (as a general officer, I am issued a personal defense weapon.) Everything about this process is highly automated and the woman helping me was flipping through the many various computer applications with speed. I thought, "wow, she must do this application process fairly often." so I asked how often people came in to apply for this kind of license. She said, "there are two of us and we have appointments every 15 minutes all day every day." And this is just for my Colorado county. And this is just for those folks that bother to actually get a license to carry concealed. Bottom line, in Colorado it is common to encounter people carrying weapons. The colleges here just chose to recognize that fact. End of hijack.
sat....teach a class...feel better!!!!!!!grocery shop with dh...make turkey tacos...wrap presents...spend some nice time listening to Christmas music by the tree...to bed early
Now the question is "did the feeling better begin at 10:01 AM?" *grin*
I'm glad you're feeling better.
Finally, something to report:
Spend the morning resting, then go to NY, watch CCM dance @ Kings Ball!
Meet Samina at Worldtone, and do some light shoe shopping
Uptown, get Sami a parking space right near Columbia
Dinner, very nice
BADC!!!! Woo hoo!!!
Home, wish I could crash, but I had coffee@around 7, so fugeddaboudit
Hah...JA is ol' eagle-eye...whatta find.
Woo hoo indeed!!
Was great to see some comping again.
5:30--Up! Shower, hair, make-up, breakfast.
Deal with getting Child ready. I ask her to pack an outfit for herself and she says "I thought Dad said you were doing it!" I'm like "Child, just pack one outfit, underpants, socks, and toiletries. I don't want to hear about it."
7:20--We out! Drive to NJ. (Husband did not come, btw, as he is still sick. December 1 marks Day 41 of this illness.)
10:20ish--Arrive at parents. Drop off Child.
Arrive at NJ Transit just in time to miss the 10:44 train. But this is okay. The 11:14 is fine.
Text Nik with my status.
Recommence reading Michael Chabon's Telegraph Avenue, which I started back in September but interrupted because there were so many great British (and Nigerian) books coming out and I tend to prioritize those over American, given my line of work.
12:36--Arrive in NYC. Take the 1 train to 50th. Literally the second I get on the 1, Nik calls. We manage to exchange "I'm on the subway." "I'm just getting on the subway too!" before we lose our connection. (He has an apt in NYC closer to Tribeca, so not the same train.)
Get to venue, get dressed, put on more make-up. I'm not doing the eyelash thing. Can't do it myself, not asking Nik.
Some chill time, then we warm up.
J_alex is here! BFF gets here too! (She rushed in from Queens when I told her I was in the city.)
Dance 13 single dances, some open, some closed. It goes pretty well, particularly considering I had been feeling too sick/exhausted to finish my lesson as recently as Thursday. I did get a couple 2nds (out of 2), which is displeasing, but it is what it is.
J_alex goes off to next engagement. BFF and I hang out.
Nik and I have a HUGE discussion about the future. (His, not mine. Though his affects mine in some respects.)
Dance championship. This is a tiny comp on the adult level (lots of kids), so though I'm not the only one on the floor, the other adults are in different age or ability levels.
Out to dinner with BFF at Cosmic Diner. (We had tried to get in at Rosie O'Grady's and there was a 1 hour wait. My sister, who used to work for Radio City, was incredulous when I told her this.)
8:03 back to NJ. Child has gone to animal shelter where Mom volunteers...and they stayed for 2.5 hours (Child LOVES it!), and on a big dog walk, and lots of other things. Sounds like a great day.
Celebrate Dad's birthday. My Mom had over-baked the chocolate gluten-free cake. Omg, it was bad! The whole family was laughing about it. It was hard and crunchy and sooo dry, close to inedible. Child just ate the frosting off.
I got my dad the new Thomas Jefferson book by Jon Meacham.
Stay up chatting with Dad until 11:30 PM, then to bed.
Up around 7:30. Yes, I got 8 hours of sleep! No one coughing, no pets pouncing on me...amazing!
1:50--Left for MD.
7ish--Plow through e-mails. Grade oral reports. Read a rough draft. Etc.
11:30--To bed. Oddly, have difficulty sleeping, which pretty much never happens to me. (It usually takes me under 10 mins to fall asleep.) I think still wound up from working until late, plus Husband breathing noisily due to illness, plus worrying about a couple things...and then the dog starts scratching at door like maniac because he is sick. Finally doze around 12:30.
sunday...seems like it was an ongoing collection of little tasks; online holiday shopping, cut dh's hair, clean cat litter boxes, burn new step aerobic CD, move dressers, figure out how to use my 150, 000 hotel points before they expire, practice a bit....I don't know where else it went but I was pleanty busy
Saturday: up early, etc. Drive an hour to the nearest good mall, in order to meet a friend who is willing to go shopping with me to help me pick out an outfit for DH's company xmas party. Get there, settle it at Starbucks, and wait. Wait, wait, wait. Check email and texts to see if she is just running late. Discover that we'd actually planned on meeting on Sunday. Grr.
Wander around mall. Fall in love with two Coach purses, end up horrified at myself. Tiptoe into Sephora, get completely overwhelmed, beat a hasty retreat. Skedaddle home--this girlie stuff is flippin' confusing and intimidating. Read, nap, read, watch Pride & Prejudice. DH finally gets home (four hours later than originally intended--guess going out to dinner is officially off the table--grr--but at least he had been keeping in touch, so I wasn't worrying). Watch some more P&P, z.
Sunday: mall shopping, take 2. Friend drags me into Sephora, and spends plenty of time explaining things like the pros and cons of different sorts of mascara brushes. Who knew?! Informs me that I put on lipstick incorrectly (in my defense, I wasn't going for looking perfect, I was checking colors!), bans me from putting on my own lipstick, and takes to applying it for me. Love friend. Find the perfect red lipstick. (I've been looking for a perfect red for a long time. That really bright, classic, retro red. Most things turn hot pink on me.) Have minor heart attack over the idea of a lipstick costing $34, but take the plunge anyhow. In for a penny, in for a pound, right? Have plenty of other makeupy girlie things explained to me--I think friend is having too much fun laughing at me sometimes.
Put together nice outfit in Ann Taylor. Jeans, sparkly silver (!) cowl neck shell, black blazer.
Have fun in other stores, including other girlie places I've never ventured before. Frightening. And bloody expensive. Have fun in Nordstrom trying on all sorts of nail polishes--I'm the guinea pig. I think I left with about 20 different colors on my fingers...yes, 20. Most were layered. Have fun trying lip glosses, some of which taste remarkably like candy, and I spend my time licking it off my lips. Decide not to get it; if I want candy, I can get it much cheaper.
Get manicure, which was a good thing because my feet were killing me. Go back and get clutch purse from Coach. (Thank you, DH, for the wonderful xmas gift you got for me!)
Part ways from friend, head to SIL's house to visit with SIL and ILs in general. Have dinner. Visit some more. Wish for a topic of conversation other than babies, breast feeding, diapers etc., and nipples. Shoot me.
Head home, finish watching P&P, agree with DH that we're glad we don't have kids, fall into bed. Z.
Okay. So I have a work-related question. It's not a whine, really, although it's a close cousin. But, since I value the opinions of people who frequent this thread as well as the Whining Thread people (and some people who rarely whine,) I'll post here.
The question is ,"Am I being unreasonable?" The back story is this. As most of you know, I had a couple of strokes in May of this year. When that happened, my clueless but well-intentioned manager decided that I needed to have fewer projects. Fair enough. One of the projects involves written communication with customers with a goal of a twenty-four hour turnaround. I've been doing this for a few years so I don't find it challenging or stressful. But, Clueless Manager (CM) decided that a coworker could help me out on Mondays, when all the weekend customer communication is piled up and waiting for a speedy turnaround. Incidentally, Monday is the busiest day of the week on pretty much all the other projects as well.
That was May. Annoying Coworker (AC) was supposed to help. From then until now, I can count the number of times she has worked on this project on a Monday on one hand -- usually days I've been on vacation. Instead, she has "helped" out on slow days, when I actually don't need help. Fast forward to now, when things are slowing down because of the holiday season. Today AC decided to complain to her manager that I wasn't "letting her help" me on this project on Mondays. Without coming to me first. So of course her manager called and fussed me out (gently) for not "letting" her help. (Are you kidding me?)
When I heard from her manager, I called AC directly and said, "Look. I just need to know what to expect. I don't care who covers this project, as long as it gets covered. Just let me know when to expect you to pitch in and when not."
Her reply? "P. I have multiple projects. I can't always guarantee you that I'll be able to help on a Monday. If I come in and my other projects are under control, I'd be glad to pitch in and help. I can't always know in advance when that's going to be or how much I'll be able to get done."
My translation? AC and I both have multiple projects. I actually have more projects and far more responsibility than she does. We both work for a company that has made a commitment to re-contact these customers by COB on Monday, regardless. That's our job, or at least one of them. Yet she reserves that right to decide when and whether to help get the job done. Regardless of what she chooses to do, the job must be done. So if she chooses not to do it, guess who gets to do it, regardless of busy-ness or number of competing priorities? I am miffed. My questions, "Am I being unreasonable? Is there another conceivable, less infuriating, way to frame this?"
Very good question, Pyg. I wish I had an answer but, on a level, it seems shockingly similar to my own dilemma. I've thought about posting the question here, as well.
The only thing I found that helped was not to wait for the someone else who is supposed to be helping to pitch in and pull their weight, but to outright delegate. As in, "This month you're doing X. I'll show you how to do it. Next month you'll do Y, and I'll show you how to do that, too. After that, it's your baby. Here's the Outlook invite to a meeting to deal with this. Please have X, Y, and Z done by then so we can go over them." I hated that. This person is, technically, my equal. I do not, technically, have the standing to tell him what to do. But...well, needs must. I don't have authority over coworker either, and I'd always let that stop me...but I couldn't deal anymore, so I took the chance. No doubt coworkers consider me a [w]itch...I'm not so sure that I care anymore. I've got enough of a reputation to stand on.
Perhaps try to manage from the bottom up? As in, if this is something that you might as well take over entirely (again), go to CM and tell him that it isn't working out, but your workload is still to taxing, so perhaps Other Annoying Coworker can take over Different Project? Granted, this will (of course) mean more work for you in the short term (training), but perhaps it's worth the payoff in the long run?
Go to you boss. "Boss, I appreciate the steps you took earlier this year to secure some extra support for my workload. It has turned out unnecessary -- I am fine with my workload, and happy to be responsible for it, and the other person has unexpectedly too much of a workload to help out, anyway. It's all good. I'm on it. Just wanted you to know. I'm happy it's worked out this way. "
To AC: "Hey, no worries, I got this covered. But please, don't report to your manager or mine that there's anything amiss with how I'm handling my workload. That didn't sit well with my boss. I've spoken with him/her, though, and everything's good. Thanks again for offering to help when it looked like I'd need it! This worked out well. "
Just an idea...
Parenthetical aside having nothing to do with the topic under discussion:
Samina, I saw this article in the NYT and thought of you, as I know you and I have semi-similar thoughts on this topic:
Separate names with a comma.