yesterday's activities

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by fascination, May 10, 2009.

  1. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I can relate to this.

    This is a big part of my struggle with my protege (another stress-inducing man in my life, btw.) He didn't ask me to mentor him or position him or include him. I chose to do all those things because I see his potential for success in our work culture and genuinely like him as a person.

    I signed up for our relationship, whatever it is, voluntarily, and let him in on things that I have learned in the quarter of a century that I have been in working in corporate America. I'm not at all conceited when I say that my experience is considerable and valuable. It is. Anybody's 25 years worth of experience would be.

    My struggle is with what appears to be the low value protege assigns to all that I have given him for free. I'm not sure what I expected -- pay it forward, I suppose? What I did not expect was for him to try to enhance his visibility at my expense. (It didn't work. btw. But protege didn't know that it wouldn't.) So now I can't decide whether to close up the candy shop or view this as another teaching moment. *sigh*
  2. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    my conclusion, at least in previous cases where I have had this epiphany, and in how I handled son subsequent to this, is that I am not going to stop what I perceive to be a deferential servant leadership sort of style, because I firmly believe the the world needs it and I have benefitted from it...HOWEVER, should that particular choice begin to take me beyond not receiving gratitude (which is sometimes regrettable, but okay...gratitude isn't my goal) to being out and out taken advantage of, I will do what it takes make sure that person comes to realize that my service to them was a CHOICE, not my natural place in the world...and I will tweak my service to them accordingly...looking at both what I think is best for them to learn and what I think I have learned and need to do for the case of my son; you can't have it both ways're an adult and I'm too hovering? these eggs I am making? They are mine and since you don't want to be treated like a child, you aren't going to hear me ask to cook you some...because I wouldn't want to insult you...that is a small choice (not done in a passive aggressive way), but I will tell you what, it led to some thinking on his to the larger choices like having to tell my bio dad that I am not, will not, cannot be his care-taker at the same time as I was care-taking his own mother whom he refused to care for?... that, for me, was about saving myself from decades of toxic and needless dependence... that was simply a matter of stating what wouldn't be happening anymore...but since that required something of him and wasn't going to be providing him total ownership of my soul, he refused to participate in any relationship with anyone in my family and continues to blame me for it (at least last time someone heard from him) has been lovely, in a tragic sort of way...I have also allowed myself to try to save others and I have learned that it doesn't help them and it doesn't help me...and I have watched my replacements come in and try and fail after I have been long gone...people who are open to change have to have respect for others...if they don't, what they are really open to is using you...and I have learned that it is "shame on me" for wanting to be important and helpful so badly that I am too blind to be able to differentiate .....and I will be dipped in poo if either of my kids is allowed to become entrenched in a dynamic of that sort...on either end
  3. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yes. The conclusion I'm reluctantly coming to is that it may not be either close up the candy shop OR a teaching moment. It may be that closing up the candy shop will be the teaching moment.

    I can't count the number of people I've mentored during my career. Like you, I believe in servant leadership. I've always lived it. There will be other proteges. Guaranteed. The question how best to help (not save, but help) this one. Sometimes loving is letting go. *shrug*
  4. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Incidentally, since I'm sharing, the beau and me slowdown is mostly my idea (which is probably why Mom was lecturing me yesterday.) I just want to make sure I'm not just in love with the imported bacon.

    Does anybody here ever watch a kid's Nickelodeon show called iCarly? In one episode, Freddy, who has a massive crush on Carly, saves Carly's life. Carly then suddenly decides she loves Freddy despite years of "liking him, but not liking-liking him." Sam, a mutual friend, tells Freddy that he should break things off with Carly, because Carly is in love with what Freddy did, but not with Freddy himself. Kind of like the time Sam (a big old carnivore) dated a loser guy who just happened to gift her with a subscription to an imported bacon of the month club.

    Beau has been so wonderful to me in the past year plus, through illness and all. I just want to make sure it's not about the bacon. No good person deserves to be someone else's bacon.
  5. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I am not you...I can't tell what is right for you...but I am going to say this because it was a piece of information that saved my life and my marriage...and goes directly to those of us who gravitate towards men who are projects and don't tend to "like like" men who aren't..."like like" isn't always the gut to trust...because many of us have learned through the 12 steps that those of us who are children of alcoholics or other dysfunction, or whose family systems still carry the earmarks of it, tend to"like like" people who are exciting but not good mates...and we tend to find good solid men, to be boring....we wish someone would rescue us, then we are turned off by the rescuer and don't trust the reality that..duh...that actually is a sign of a good mate.. .we find that something is missing...but you know what's really missing? it usually isn't true love (which we wouldn't recognize if it landed on our heads) it is usually fubared love/excitement which we often mistake as true love because it feels like the fairy tale when it doesn't feel like hell...I don't know you...I don't know this guy...I don't know your mom...but, I am exceedingly glad that I married a guy whom I have occasionally wondered whether or not I "like, liked"....because I needed to learn what healthy love looked like...from I love him...not in a moonlight and roses way, but it the deep abiding fought for it and won it silent certain committed way...that is not to say that it would work that way for you or that your life isn't perfectly fulfilled without it.....just as mine could be
    Purr and cornutt like this.
  6. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    That is so kind, loving and thoughtful! Thank you.

    I haven't ruled beau out. He's a good man, warts and all. I just want some time to think and he's given it to me. Another sign that he's one of the good ones. :)
  7. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    Yeah, lesson learned for me some years ago, after a narrow escape from an ill-advised marriage. If you grow up in an environment of dysfunctional relationships, you gravitate towards dysfunctional relationships because that's what you're used to. Non-dysfunctional relationships seem "boring" or "not passionate" because you don't know how to behave in such a relationship. For me, it was a matter of discarding long-held perceptions about what I was supposed to want (from having been "trained" by dysfunctional relationships) and making myself listen to what I really wanted.
  8. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    you are welcome...and it is true that not every good guy is the guy for you...I am just very very mindful that not every right person comes with certainty...peace in that discernment
  9. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I had it aptly described to me as; we know what to do with crisis, we know what to do with erratic behavior, we know how to wait for the other shoe to drop...and when we are in a relationship with someone normal we can't stand it because the other shoe never drops so we always feel uncomfortable and ill at ease ...we never know what to do...and we don't feel needed because they aren't needy...I am very grateful long ago for a mentor who encouraged me to attend a 12 steps program...I would have never thought of it because I didn't live a with any active alcoholics so I didn't recognize and sort of systemic addictive patterns in my family....but when I read the symptoms of adult children, I could have been the poster child...that was about 16 years ago...and it has saved me from heaven knows how much misery...though I still have to swish my foot around in crap like that from time to time, at least now I recognize it
    Sania likes this.
  10. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Hmmm...the last week or so.
    Last Monday--do post-trip crap: unpacking, laundry, laundry, more laundry, more laundry, get mail, file papers, grocery shopping, etc.


    Last Tuesday--work from home. Blargh. Mostly deal with email crap and minor things that cropped up. Visit with friends in the evening.


    Last Wednesday, Thursday--go to work. Aside from dealing with stuff that had cropped up, and stuff that other people who were supposed to be covering for me but didn't bother were supposed to take care of (newly promoted guy, I'm looking at you...bitterly), it was mostly boring. But oh-so-tiring to keep a happy and neutral face given the non-promotion. I'm taking this even harder than I'd thought. I come home exhausted both days--not from work itself, but from the emotional toll of trying to be my normal self.


    Friday--visit with SIL, going grocery shopping on the way down. Make lunch. Help brother put together filing cabinet. (I am the family's put-stuff-together person.) Hold baby while SIL sleeps, because I couldn't face myself if I didn't while she's about in tears an falling asleep while holding the baby. Lemmee say: ICK! I had drool and spit all over the front of my damn shirt, and I could smell it hours later and it made me want to gag. Oh, dear god, that was vile. held, SIL napped, no kids injured.

    Then hung out with friend and watched movies.


    Saturday: piddle about. Head down to parents' for small family xmas. Have a really great time. Relaxed and no pressure. PERFECT. It's such a head-trip to see my little brother as a father. And it was very cool to see my father as a grandfather. I dunno why, but that aspect of things has been a real head trip for me.


    Sunday: er...piddle, then get DH's phone set up. This takes way longer than it ever should have. Dinner, groceries, home.


    Monday: clean house, make dinner, DH's family comes over for xmas dinner. Have good time, send them home. Watch TV, bed.


    Yesterday: up, piddle. DH bakes chocolate chip gingerbread. I attempt to make almond brittle the way my cousin showed me, but the stupid sugar won't melt. Give up after second attempt.

    Head to friend's house. Much visiting, chinese food, and movies. Yay! Best.xmas.ever.
    j_alexandra likes this.
  11. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Auntie P for the win! :D

    My second eldest niece, C, was probably the only truly beautiful newborn I've ever seen. She came out of the womb ready for a photo spread. Too bad she had a sour little stomach. No matter how little or how much she ate, a few minutes later, a mouthful or so would come back, smelling like the world's most foul vomit. It was the worst. She would just casually open her mouth and blaaaaah all over you. No consideration for your used-to-be-clean clothes. It was intensely gross. You're right. Gag material every time. Yuck. Fortunately, that stage passes. In the meantime, try holding the baby on your shoulder for patting. But first, drape a cloth diaper over your shoulder and onto your back. anything that drips out of the child will drip onto the diaper but not onto you.
  12. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Yeah. SIL has a bunch of those extra-absorbant burp cloth thingies. Unfortunately, the last clean one was spit up on a little bit earlier. The others were in the process of being washed. (I know, because I was washing them.) Should have grabbed a dish towel, at the least. But I didn't realize that kid would spew every-freakin'-where even while asleep.

    Again: ICK. Dear god. My mom swears that little babies are the cutest, and just like to snuggle...mostly I just got kicked in the stomach and the boobs, and then ended up with spit everywhere.
  13. j_alexandra

    j_alexandra Well-Known Member

    I like you *so* much. You say what I think. I can't now remember the last time someone handed me a baby, but it wasn't pretty, I'll say that. Some of us just were not made to hold babies, urping or non-urping.
    pygmalion likes this.
  14. j_alexandra

    j_alexandra Well-Known Member

    Um. Friday, Sat: family Stuff and Xmas prep.
    Sunday: add in a brief moment doing English Country Dance, which I enjoyed way more than I expected to.
    Monday: Family stuff and Xmas prep.
  15. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yesterday: An enlightening Christmas. Everything that could possibly go wrong did. The giant order from Amazon that contained *almost* all of DS's gifts got delivered to work AFTER shipping and receiving closed down for the holiday. So DS was left with basically two Christmas presents, a far cry from his normal mountain of boxes. I was practically in tears last Friday, when I looked into the steely face of the shipping guy and realized that, even though DS's gifts were in the building, Mr. Shipping Guy was refusing to bother to look. So much for Christmas spirit. Anyway. So not very many presents under the tree. Fast forward to Christmas Eve. I was trying to decide whether to run out and buy DS random make-up gifts when DS asked me what was wrong. i decided to bite the bullet and tell him the truth. And guess what he said? "No problem, Mom. We'll just do Christmas on New Years Eve. Don't sweat it."

    It is nice to have an empathetic young man for a child. Christmas on New Years it is. :)

    Christmas day: Beautiful snow. 2 - 4 inches here, depending. Problem? When I got up this morning, the torrential rain followed by snow had translated themselves into an inch thick layer of ice under my tires. No going anywhere. This wouldn't be a problem if not for two things. 1) I'm out of vacation time and am supposed to be at work. *sigh* 2) DS is supposed to get on a plane to go visit his father today.

    I try to move the car about half a dozen times, but, since I am parked in the shade, the dadburned ice WILL NOT MELT. I finally admit to myself that I will not make it to work today. I'm going to have to make up the time or go without pay. Neither will kill me.

    Then I have to deal with the ex.

    Me: DS is probably not going to make it.
    EX: Try.
    Me: I have tried. I can't get out of the parking lot.
    Ex: Try again.
    Me: I have tried multiple times. I can't get out.
    Ex: Can you take a cab?
    Me: The airport shuttle is $40 per person per direction. That's too much money. (Ex paid zero for the plane ticket. He wants me to pay $120 for the cab PLUS baggage fees.)
    Ex: I made arrangements for DS to do Blah tomorrow. Everyone will be disappointed. Just put DS in a taxi by himself.
    Me: No verbal response, but I am thinking "Oh yeah. This is what it was like to be married to a bulldozer. Ex is supposed to spend no resources and I'm supposed to do whatever it takes, including entrusting my child to an unknown taxi driver, just to make sure things work out the way the ex wants. Thank God I am not married to this piece of work anymore."

    Off the phone, upset and almost crying. I don't want DS to miss Blah.

    DS: Mom. I'm sorry i let you think l wanted to go. I'm really ambivalent about visiting at all. It's okay if we reschedule. Don't worry.

    Did i mention how nice it is to have a young adult for a child?
  16. j_alexandra

    j_alexandra Well-Known Member


    Wake early and start the Final Prep, including, but not limited to: making dining room table much, much larger (usually seats 8, am adding six places and that means 3, 14" leaves) and figuring out how to arrange table linens; we have two lengths of white table cloths: too short and too long; lay down 2 red cloths overlapping, then a "too short" white one over them; brother decides he's going to iron the white one; did you hear that? a man decided something was too wrinkled and he was going to iron it, and in the teeth of me saying "just leave it" or wtte; I'd say the earth has shifted on its axis, but he's a costumer and wrinkles offend him, he's all about presentation
    Clean silver, lay table; lay out the wineglasses, fill salt cellars, locate least-offensive pepper grinders, arrange cookie platter, designate serving dishes
    Field question from local brother re: timing, his stepson, his stepson needing to use a TV during the time we'll be unwrapping gifts (yes, he actually does need to do this; he's a journalist for ESPN and must watch the Knicks game and tweet or something);<rant> I consider this moment a sterling opportunity for a life lesson, in that, if you have to work on Xmas, you cannot go out to Xmas dinner at the same time, but he ain't my kid and apparently will never get this kind of life lesson; <endrant> fyi, he's a nice enough guy, just in case a DFer has a daughter in the low 30s who's looking for a handsome, sweet, smart, employed sports-mad BF in NY, just sayin'
    Peel, halve, and parboil spuds for roasting later; score, season, and put ham in the oven and walk away
    Start taking bets on how late local brother and SIL will be; I estimate 1.5 hours; they fake me out, manage a mere 1:15, I lose my bet; this turns out to be OK b/c an aunt and uncle have simply arrived at the door, uninvited, on Christmas day, when we are having a formal sit-down dinner, so wtf, clearly this event has become a life lesson for me in letting go of control; the moment I do let go of control, I become massively happier and refuse to let anyone get my goat for the rest of the day
    Jameson helps
    Aunt and uncle stick around for gift opening, but leave before din
    Pick up Blond German Friend, who's joining us for dinner; BFF, her spouse, and my goddaughter arrive, all is good
    Finish dinner prep
    Eat, drink, and be merry
    Take BGF home
  17. 3wishes

    3wishes Well-Known Member

    Yesterday, did nothing other than open gifts from DH and me to him as well.
    Watched his stunned speechless eyes popping out of head reaction to the VIP tickets to the NASCAR Hall of Fame Induction worth it.
    Watched DH make phone calls to DS and DH's brother. GUESS WHAT I for 2! hahahaha.
    Lounged around. This is nice, thinking of making this an annual thing,,,,just DH and I on Christmas Day.
    Call from Brother and brood - in Hawaii. In the sunshine, in the warmth,,,,wishing us well.
    Call to step-dad, we leave msg, remembering the conversation from earlier in the week.
    Step dad calls back later - says he is fine, just got back from being with best friend and his family for the day.
    ooookkkkkkkkkkkkkk then.
    DH starts packing for Texas, I wrap more gifts for him to haul.
    Countdown begins
    Check-off things to do list before leaving comes out of desk.
    Make plans to hit Kohl's after Christmas Sale, during the power hours,,,significantly reduced prices. YES!
  18. ChaChaMama

    ChaChaMama Well-Known Member

    Catching up the last few days:

    Bake white chocolate chunk and craisin oatmeal cookies with Child. They came out a little different than I expected, but still tasty.

    Pack and organize stuff.

    Discover to my disappointment that the gifts I asked Husband to wrap--one of the ONLY things I asked him to do for the holidays, since he is sick--are just boxed and/or stuffed into a gift bag. Husband: when I use the word "wrap," this should indicate to you that I am expecting you to use wrapping paper. I'm aware you are sick, but if you have the energy to spend 30-60 mins on a work phone call, you can spend 15-30 minutes wrapping 3 presents for Child. Do not be a lazy butt. Lighten my load that tiny little bit.

    12:27--I drive all of us to NJ.

    4:30ish--Arrive NJ.

    5:30 or 6ish--Hors d'oeuvres and some early present giving, as Sister's boyfriend (who is possibly the only Jewish cop in his particular police force) has agreed to work the 24th and 25th.

    7ish--Steak dinner.

    Stay up chatting with Dad.
  19. ChaChaMama

    ChaChaMama Well-Known Member

    5:45--Sister gets up to drive her husband to train. Since Husband and I sleep in the finished basement at my parents' house, I hear them and then cannot really fall back to sleep. Fabulous. But I stay in bed until around 7:30.

    Do you ever wonder who those LOSERS are at the shopping mall on December 24th? Well, wonder no more. Dad has yet to shop for Mom. Go to Princeton Marketfair. Succeed at Williams-Sonoma. Swing and a miss at Pottery Barn. Ditto Platypus. Drive to Home Depot for another swing and a miss.

    Wegman's to pick up catered dinner. They have our turkey dinner for the 25th, but not the chicken and penne my parents ordered for tonight. Sister and I are designated to pick something else.

    Unload. Lunch.
    So dang tired I fall asleep in the living room.

    2:30--Round 2! Downtown Princeton. Success at Talbot's, after some effort. (At first, Dad dislikes everything Sister and I suggest.) I also hit a toy store, as we have been surprised by news that my cousin, his wife, and their 3-year-old are coming from LA.
    Success at the U-Store.

    Wrapping party with my Dad. I wrap the things that I do not feel Husband has adequately wrapped.
    Apples to Apples Junior. Husband plays for awhile then heads down to bedroom and tells me to call him for dinner.

    Yummy mediterranean tray for hors d'oeuvres.


    To bed on early side.
  20. ChaChaMama

    ChaChaMama Well-Known Member

    Slept until 8:30! YES!
    9-11--Opened some more present w/family.
    Took a shower.

    1:30ish or 2ish--Long Island/NYC based relatives arrive!
    Cousin D graduated from Brooklyn Law last spring and took her bar exam this summer. The law firm where she is a beginning associate practices in both NY and NJ, and she passed the bar exam, so my Dad put on his judicial robes and officially swore her in as a member of the NJ Bar. That was very sweet.
    Cousin B is a brand-new accountant at one of the top 5 firms. We ask him about his hours and he says they aren't too crazy, about 8:30 AM-7:30 PM. That's a full day!

    Lots of socializing, including a funny game with Christmas crackers and with whistles inside, where we tried to play Christmas carols.

    3:30ish--L.A. Cousin T (who is my age-mate cousin on this side of the family), his wife, and their 3-year-old arrive from visiting her family in NYC. They are on their way down to MD that night. Lots of fun for Child to have another child to play with.
    Cousin T and I have spent so, so, so many Christmas together, sleeping in the same room and making mischief. He was very special to me growing up. I wish we lived closer as adults so we could see each other more than 1-2x/year.

    Husband isn't doing great: goes back downstairs after a little bit of socializing. Comes up for dinner, then goes back to bed. Comes up for dessert, back to bed. Not so good.

    6ish--L.A. relatives leave. We sit down to turkey dinner.
    8ish--Everyone has to leave, as quite a few family members have work on the 26th!!! I am surprised and realize anew how lucky and easy I have it.

    9:30--In bed!!!

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