Dancers Anonymous > yesterday's activities

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by fascination, May 10, 2009.

  1. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    fri...teach a bike and bench class...take son for mexican food...not sure where the rest of the day went, basically when either kid is home I feel like I am pretty much running around doing small tasks non-stop...cook a good dinner which is fairly impressive given that we need to grocery shop so I hadto be pretty resourceful....apparently son takes a nasty pill with his dinner and hurts my feelings ...that leads to me retiring to my room for the evening, feeling fairly hurt and outraged and taken for granted....pretty much stay that way until a hug happens that is supposed to be the non-verbal version of an apology...
  2. ChaChaMama

    ChaChaMama Well-Known Member

    @pygmalion--I'm fairly confident you do NOT need a man in your life! In fact, one could argue that you could use fewer men in your life! (Between your ex, DS, and beau, it seems to me like there are a plethora of men in your life...and not all of them are net stress reducers, if ykwim.)

    @pygmalion again--Thanks for asking about Husband. Eh. He's a little better, but still sick. Like he wasn't up to going to even the grocery store today...and we only live about 6 minutes from the grocery store. He wasn't up for going to the movies. I would say he has more energy than he did a couple weeks ago, but he still has a nasty cough when he doesn't take the Tussionex. Today was The Plague's 2 month anniversary. Un-happy anniversary, Plague. Go away.

    @fascination--Sorry about the unpleasantness at dinner. Glad the boy came to his senses. Do you think maybe he is stressed about being away from his son and may be lashing out b/c of that?
  3. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    In the words of the great Carrie Bradshaw, you said a mouthful there, sister. lol

    Two months. Good grief! That is ridiculous. I'm sure the whole ChaChaFamily is well and truly tired of this. I'll keep channeling positive thoughts your way.
  4. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    ccm....considering he is going on my dime to see him in about a week, I should think not.....though, even if it was, um, I am tired of being the dog that gets kicked...I have had enough of "it is my job to understand" and would like to see a bit more of; "control yourself"....I have had that my entire life, speaking of being able to do without a few men
  5. ChaChaMama

    ChaChaMama Well-Known Member

    Oh, believe me, I understand! And it is NEVER okay to make someone whose fault it is NOT the recipient of one's own frustration with life, though I believe it happens all the time.

    (It's different when the person is the cause of one's frustration, e.g., "Pick up your own dirty laundry and put it in the hamper, Child! I am not the house elf!" = a little melodramatic, but appropriately directed frustration on my part.)

    I think many times, the people in one's life misunderstand that the main thing most adult women want for Christmas is some understanding and appreciation, not a sweater or an iPod (or whatever).

    I have actually decided that I have now gotten sick enough of the "good-natured" jabs* my sister sometimes takes that I am going to call them out if there are any over Christmas this year. Child's school read this book where if you do a nice thing for someone, you are a BUCKET FILLER and if you do or say something that makes someone else feel bad, you are a BUCKET DIPPER. So I'm going to say "Classic bucket dip!" if I hear any.

    *Stuff like when I said that we were having some renovations done on our house "So are you also going to get curtains too or has that become your signature look?" Or little digs about how I don't use certain technologies or have the latest gizmos "Yes, but you act like you're eighty." Thanks, kid sister. This kind of teasing was fine when you were 8 and I was 14, but you are 39. Cut it out.
  6. ChaChaMama

    ChaChaMama Well-Known Member

    A little laundry, a little packing.
    Husband had said he would go to the grocery store, but says he is feeling "a little worse" today. It's fine. I'll see if I can fit in to my jam packed day. I wish he felt well enough to do at least one thing, like go to the movies with Child and just sit there, but he really doesn't. This illness is wearing on all of us.

    11:30-12:30--5.75 miles on treadmill.

    1:30-4:30--"The Hobbit" at local movie theater with friends of Child and friends' family.

    Grocery shop, as Husband is too sick.

    Head out late to Atlantic Ballroom Christmas party.

    8-10:30--AB Christmas Party. Among other things, watch Nik and Natasha dance together for what might be the last time. [They posted their break up on DSI the first week in December.] Oh, and I gave Nik a bottle of Veuve Clicquot as an Xmas present.
  7. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I have been observing of late, that unfortunately being deferential to others and exercising a sort of servant leadership is oftentimes not appreciated but rather taken as a permission slip to be the one who can be made fun of or criticized and/or seen as naturally being on the lowest rung of the "valued as a person" ladder rather than as someone who has just happened to be loving you and absorbing your pain and frustration and trying to be a blessing in your life category...I am getting a good deal of it from men of late....and I am not saying I haven't signed up for some of it...but I think most of it is a lack of self monitoring on the part of others...I don't even mind the dynamic half the time, I am afterall, intentionally trying to be deferential, that being said, is it really too much to apologize when one has kicked the dog a bit too hard? to your original question: I think the larger cause is that he has a certain amount of shame that he is still so dependent upon us and that quite frankly, he put me through hell last I think that there are times when
    he feels like he has to assert his adulthood to make himself feel better, but because it is from an internal space of insecurity, he has to instead point to some notion that I treat him like a child, when the incident wasn't about that at all...he got up very suddenly from dinner without saying a word and headed toward the bathroom...when I asked if he was okay (worrying that he was having an allergic reaction to something-which is not uncommon) I couldn't hear his response so I followed him and I got a very pissy "don't treat me like a child" sort of thing...he was just crabby...I would have run after my husband who also has food allergies...he was actually going to his room for something but he was mumbling and I couldn't hear him
  8. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    I can relate to this.

    This is a big part of my struggle with my protege (another stress-inducing man in my life, btw.) He didn't ask me to mentor him or position him or include him. I chose to do all those things because I see his potential for success in our work culture and genuinely like him as a person.

    I signed up for our relationship, whatever it is, voluntarily, and let him in on things that I have learned in the quarter of a century that I have been in working in corporate America. I'm not at all conceited when I say that my experience is considerable and valuable. It is. Anybody's 25 years worth of experience would be.

    My struggle is with what appears to be the low value protege assigns to all that I have given him for free. I'm not sure what I expected -- pay it forward, I suppose? What I did not expect was for him to try to enhance his visibility at my expense. (It didn't work. btw. But protege didn't know that it wouldn't.) So now I can't decide whether to close up the candy shop or view this as another teaching moment. *sigh*
  9. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    my conclusion, at least in previous cases where I have had this epiphany, and in how I handled son subsequent to this, is that I am not going to stop what I perceive to be a deferential servant leadership sort of style, because I firmly believe the the world needs it and I have benefitted from it...HOWEVER, should that particular choice begin to take me beyond not receiving gratitude (which is sometimes regrettable, but okay...gratitude isn't my goal) to being out and out taken advantage of, I will do what it takes make sure that person comes to realize that my service to them was a CHOICE, not my natural place in the world...and I will tweak my service to them accordingly...looking at both what I think is best for them to learn and what I think I have learned and need to do for the case of my son; you can't have it both ways're an adult and I'm too hovering? these eggs I am making? They are mine and since you don't want to be treated like a child, you aren't going to hear me ask to cook you some...because I wouldn't want to insult you...that is a small choice (not done in a passive aggressive way), but I will tell you what, it led to some thinking on his to the larger choices like having to tell my bio dad that I am not, will not, cannot be his care-taker at the same time as I was care-taking his own mother whom he refused to care for?... that, for me, was about saving myself from decades of toxic and needless dependence... that was simply a matter of stating what wouldn't be happening anymore...but since that required something of him and wasn't going to be providing him total ownership of my soul, he refused to participate in any relationship with anyone in my family and continues to blame me for it (at least last time someone heard from him) has been lovely, in a tragic sort of way...I have also allowed myself to try to save others and I have learned that it doesn't help them and it doesn't help me...and I have watched my replacements come in and try and fail after I have been long gone...people who are open to change have to have respect for others...if they don't, what they are really open to is using you...and I have learned that it is "shame on me" for wanting to be important and helpful so badly that I am too blind to be able to differentiate .....and I will be dipped in poo if either of my kids is allowed to become entrenched in a dynamic of that sort...on either end
  10. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Yes. The conclusion I'm reluctantly coming to is that it may not be either close up the candy shop OR a teaching moment. It may be that closing up the candy shop will be the teaching moment.

    I can't count the number of people I've mentored during my career. Like you, I believe in servant leadership. I've always lived it. There will be other proteges. Guaranteed. The question how best to help (not save, but help) this one. Sometimes loving is letting go. *shrug*
  11. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Incidentally, since I'm sharing, the beau and me slowdown is mostly my idea (which is probably why Mom was lecturing me yesterday.) I just want to make sure I'm not just in love with the imported bacon.

    Does anybody here ever watch a kid's Nickelodeon show called iCarly? In one episode, Freddy, who has a massive crush on Carly, saves Carly's life. Carly then suddenly decides she loves Freddy despite years of "liking him, but not liking-liking him." Sam, a mutual friend, tells Freddy that he should break things off with Carly, because Carly is in love with what Freddy did, but not with Freddy himself. Kind of like the time Sam (a big old carnivore) dated a loser guy who just happened to gift her with a subscription to an imported bacon of the month club.

    Beau has been so wonderful to me in the past year plus, through illness and all. I just want to make sure it's not about the bacon. No good person deserves to be someone else's bacon.
  12. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I am not you...I can't tell what is right for you...but I am going to say this because it was a piece of information that saved my life and my marriage...and goes directly to those of us who gravitate towards men who are projects and don't tend to "like like" men who aren't..."like like" isn't always the gut to trust...because many of us have learned through the 12 steps that those of us who are children of alcoholics or other dysfunction, or whose family systems still carry the earmarks of it, tend to"like like" people who are exciting but not good mates...and we tend to find good solid men, to be boring....we wish someone would rescue us, then we are turned off by the rescuer and don't trust the reality that..duh...that actually is a sign of a good mate.. .we find that something is missing...but you know what's really missing? it usually isn't true love (which we wouldn't recognize if it landed on our heads) it is usually fubared love/excitement which we often mistake as true love because it feels like the fairy tale when it doesn't feel like hell...I don't know you...I don't know this guy...I don't know your mom...but, I am exceedingly glad that I married a guy whom I have occasionally wondered whether or not I "like, liked"....because I needed to learn what healthy love looked like...from I love him...not in a moonlight and roses way, but it the deep abiding fought for it and won it silent certain committed way...that is not to say that it would work that way for you or that your life isn't perfectly fulfilled without it.....just as mine could be
    Purr and cornutt like this.
  13. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    That is so kind, loving and thoughtful! Thank you.

    I haven't ruled beau out. He's a good man, warts and all. I just want some time to think and he's given it to me. Another sign that he's one of the good ones. :)
  14. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    Yeah, lesson learned for me some years ago, after a narrow escape from an ill-advised marriage. If you grow up in an environment of dysfunctional relationships, you gravitate towards dysfunctional relationships because that's what you're used to. Non-dysfunctional relationships seem "boring" or "not passionate" because you don't know how to behave in such a relationship. For me, it was a matter of discarding long-held perceptions about what I was supposed to want (from having been "trained" by dysfunctional relationships) and making myself listen to what I really wanted.
  15. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    you are welcome...and it is true that not every good guy is the guy for you...I am just very very mindful that not every right person comes with certainty...peace in that discernment
  16. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I had it aptly described to me as; we know what to do with crisis, we know what to do with erratic behavior, we know how to wait for the other shoe to drop...and when we are in a relationship with someone normal we can't stand it because the other shoe never drops so we always feel uncomfortable and ill at ease ...we never know what to do...and we don't feel needed because they aren't needy...I am very grateful long ago for a mentor who encouraged me to attend a 12 steps program...I would have never thought of it because I didn't live a with any active alcoholics so I didn't recognize and sort of systemic addictive patterns in my family....but when I read the symptoms of adult children, I could have been the poster child...that was about 16 years ago...and it has saved me from heaven knows how much misery...though I still have to swish my foot around in crap like that from time to time, at least now I recognize it
    Sania likes this.
  17. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Hmmm...the last week or so.
    Last Monday--do post-trip crap: unpacking, laundry, laundry, more laundry, more laundry, get mail, file papers, grocery shopping, etc.


    Last Tuesday--work from home. Blargh. Mostly deal with email crap and minor things that cropped up. Visit with friends in the evening.


    Last Wednesday, Thursday--go to work. Aside from dealing with stuff that had cropped up, and stuff that other people who were supposed to be covering for me but didn't bother were supposed to take care of (newly promoted guy, I'm looking at you...bitterly), it was mostly boring. But oh-so-tiring to keep a happy and neutral face given the non-promotion. I'm taking this even harder than I'd thought. I come home exhausted both days--not from work itself, but from the emotional toll of trying to be my normal self.


    Friday--visit with SIL, going grocery shopping on the way down. Make lunch. Help brother put together filing cabinet. (I am the family's put-stuff-together person.) Hold baby while SIL sleeps, because I couldn't face myself if I didn't while she's about in tears an falling asleep while holding the baby. Lemmee say: ICK! I had drool and spit all over the front of my damn shirt, and I could smell it hours later and it made me want to gag. Oh, dear god, that was vile. held, SIL napped, no kids injured.

    Then hung out with friend and watched movies.


    Saturday: piddle about. Head down to parents' for small family xmas. Have a really great time. Relaxed and no pressure. PERFECT. It's such a head-trip to see my little brother as a father. And it was very cool to see my father as a grandfather. I dunno why, but that aspect of things has been a real head trip for me.


    Sunday: er...piddle, then get DH's phone set up. This takes way longer than it ever should have. Dinner, groceries, home.


    Monday: clean house, make dinner, DH's family comes over for xmas dinner. Have good time, send them home. Watch TV, bed.


    Yesterday: up, piddle. DH bakes chocolate chip gingerbread. I attempt to make almond brittle the way my cousin showed me, but the stupid sugar won't melt. Give up after second attempt.

    Head to friend's house. Much visiting, chinese food, and movies. Yay! Best.xmas.ever.
    j_alexandra likes this.
  18. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Auntie P for the win! :D

    My second eldest niece, C, was probably the only truly beautiful newborn I've ever seen. She came out of the womb ready for a photo spread. Too bad she had a sour little stomach. No matter how little or how much she ate, a few minutes later, a mouthful or so would come back, smelling like the world's most foul vomit. It was the worst. She would just casually open her mouth and blaaaaah all over you. No consideration for your used-to-be-clean clothes. It was intensely gross. You're right. Gag material every time. Yuck. Fortunately, that stage passes. In the meantime, try holding the baby on your shoulder for patting. But first, drape a cloth diaper over your shoulder and onto your back. anything that drips out of the child will drip onto the diaper but not onto you.
  19. Peaches

    Peaches Well-Known Member

    Yeah. SIL has a bunch of those extra-absorbant burp cloth thingies. Unfortunately, the last clean one was spit up on a little bit earlier. The others were in the process of being washed. (I know, because I was washing them.) Should have grabbed a dish towel, at the least. But I didn't realize that kid would spew every-freakin'-where even while asleep.

    Again: ICK. Dear god. My mom swears that little babies are the cutest, and just like to snuggle...mostly I just got kicked in the stomach and the boobs, and then ended up with spit everywhere.
  20. j_alexandra

    j_alexandra Well-Known Member

    I like you *so* much. You say what I think. I can't now remember the last time someone handed me a baby, but it wasn't pretty, I'll say that. Some of us just were not made to hold babies, urping or non-urping.
    pygmalion likes this.

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