Crush on Instructor...

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
Eh. I hate group classes except in very specific circumstances and I only have really enjoyed social dancing one place. New studio's okay, but not as much fun as my old one when it comes to parties. (Then again, who is?) As far as following, I have to do that with my pros FAR more than in a group class, where it's a crapshoot if the guy leads or is just guessing and you just practice your steps and more or less ignore him. But if the group class is teaching the same figures/routine you're using in your privates, they're good for drilling in some cases.

And I have zero interest in dancing with an am. Nothing wrong with that. However, all three of my teachers are very much off the market and more or less not my type anyway. (No, not saying who is more and who is less.)


The difference being, dear, that you haven't spent the past almost four years Jones-ing for three separate dance teachers. Maybe you don't need the distance. Like DL, I went back and read all of the OP's posts from the very first one. There have now been three dance teacher crushes. Only one was acted on and reciprocated, but there have been three dance teacher crushes in a row. What I'm suggesting is scenarios that involve less one on one intensity. :cool:


Maybe I'm off base. I'm just throwing ideas out there.


The other thing I'd like to point out is that dance scenes, unless they're huge, are more connected than one might think. Just like a dance teacher can develop a reputation, so can a student. Dance pros talk to each other, just like everybody else. Not gossip. Just watching each other's backs.
 
I don't think you do understand the point I was trying to make, but for the time being I won't try to make it another way.

Regarding other comments:

I think I read that you've been dancing for around three years. Now you say you're not interested in social dancing, nor dancing with group classmates. Yet, you have been pursuing partner dancing, as opposed to (say) jazz, ballet, tap, modern, etc. Here's a rhetorical question: What about partner dancing made it seem more appealing to you?

ETA
I intend that rhetorical question to be construed very narrowly with application to a particular individual in a particular context. I have no desire to encroach on more general pro-am/am-am subject matter.
Very good question. I too would like to know the answers.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
What is worrisome is not the "crush" it's the need/desire to act on it.
or, at least the desire to stay in situations that maintain conditions which are ripe for the same feelings to continue to incubate, and a lack of interest in dynamics that are more reality based is somewhat worrisome...that one needs an escape from reality in having a difficult job is understandable....as a full time hospice grief counselor for many years, how well I know...but when we allow the pleasure of that unreal dynamic to be primary (whichit will be, who is anyone fooling?) to the exclusion of the reality of the rest of our real, non-work life, by not being as open to to the less than fantastic fantasy scenarios, we render ourselves even less able to recover and not become addicted to that experience again and again
 

DL

Well-Known Member
You might end up in an appropriate relationship with a guy you meet in the dance world. It may well be appropriately flirty and fun and flattering, and make you feel special. Romance with those characteristics isn't ipso-facto wrong!
After thinking about this post I realized that I had made an implicit assumption that you're single. However I don't recall seeing any actual information about that in your posts. It might seem an awful question, but: Was that a correct assumption?
 

danceronice

Well-Known Member
The difference being, dear, that you haven't spent the past almost four years Jones-ing for three separate dance teachers. Maybe you don't need the distance. Like DL, I went back and read all of the OP's posts from the very first one. There have now been three dance teacher crushes. Only one was acted on and reciprocated, but there have been three dance teacher crushes in a row. What I'm suggesting is scenarios that involve less one on one intensity. :cool:
Let's just say I'm saying 'learn from my errors' and there's a REASON all my teachers are in the 'completely out of the question' territory. Though it does help that my 'ruthless competitor' tendencies tend to override anything else anyway.

Crushing on a teacher is natural. Like clumsy fellow says, the crush isn't the problem here. It's the inclination to act on it. (Heck, there being PASSIVE helps me. If he never makes the first move, I never have to worry about it, and I generally assume ALL flirting is just some form of salesmanship or other regardless of context and therefore treat it as theater, not anything serious. Poster in question might want to try that outlook....)
 

sbrnsmith

Well-Known Member
I pursued partner dancing becos that's what I like . Even before I danced, I always watched and it was never tap, or modern both of which I dislike. I do like watching ballet, but never thought I could do it, nor was it available to me. I don't think I began partner dancing because I wanted closeness or a relationship from it. I have had long term relationships that were completely non dance related. I didn't seek dance for an escape. I didn't have an opportunity to learn dance as a child becos my parents couldn't afford it. Then I went to med school, residency and trying to establish my career and never had the time or opportunity to take class.
I have zero interest in dancing with another am, again, no offense to anyone. I've also tried group classes 3 different times and stopped because I didn't enjoy and felt I wasn't learning anything. I approached dance the same way I did academics, which I excelled at, in a type A, driven, focused way. Except, unlike academics which was easy for me, dance is not. It's a huge challenge and I love it. Always have. I know no other way to explain it. But I am absolutely certain I did not begin dance classes to find a man. That was the furthest thing from my mind the first time I walked into the studio.
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
or, at least the desire to stay in situations that maintain conditions which are ripe for the same feelings to continue to incubate, and a lack of interest in dynamics that are more reality based is somewhat worrisome...that one needs an escape from reality in having a difficult job is understandable....as a full time hospice grief counselor for many years, how well I know...but when we allow the pleasure of that unreal dynamic to be primary (whichit will be, who is anyone fooling?) to the exclusion of the reality of the rest of our real, non-work life, by not being as open to to the less than fantastic fantasy scenarios, we render ourselves even less able to recover and not become addicted to that experience again and again

Yes. And, assuming that the assertion that one has no control over attractions is true, then why keep putting yourself in the path of attractions that are going to end up no place good? (I actually do not fully agree with this assertion but I'll go along for the sake of being agreeable and keeping the conversation sort of simple.)

If by some freak accident you get hit by a train, that's terrible. But, if you get out of the hospital and keep flinging yourself on the railroad tracks when there's a perfectly good taxi stand nearby, uhh... what do you expect?


Not trying to make light of a serious personal crisis. Just saying. Even if you buy the "I have no control over whom I'm attracted to" argument, all right. I'll bite. You have no control. The heart wants what it wants. But you DO have control over whether you spend two hours a week getting personal attention alone in the arms of the (unsuspecting, unintentional) tempter, or if you spend two hours in a group of twenty other people with the tempter including (potentially) ten other attractive, eligible guys. If you really love dance, you can choose folk dance or line dance or partner dance with a female coach or a gay coach. There are lots of choices that don't involve getting hit by a train again.
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
Let's just say I'm saying 'learn from my errors' and there's a REASON all my teachers are in the 'completely out of the question' territory. Though it does help that my 'ruthless competitor' tendencies tend to override anything else anyway.

Crushing on a teacher is natural. Like clumsy fellow says, the crush isn't the problem here. It's the inclination to act on it. (Heck, there being PASSIVE helps me. If he never makes the first move, I never have to worry about it, and I generally assume ALL flirting is just some form of salesmanship or other regardless of context and therefore treat it as theater, not anything serious. Poster in question might want to try that outlook....)

Everybody has crushed on a dance teacher. How could you not? That's where impulse control comes in, as you so eloquently point out, DOI. :)
 

sbrnsmith

Well-Known Member
Yes. And, assuming that the assertion that one has no control over attractions is true, then why keep putting yourself in the path of attractions that are going to end up no place good? (I actually do not fully agree with this assertion but I'll go along for the sake of being agreeable and keeping the conversation sort of simple.)

If by some freak accident you get hit by a train, that's terrible. But, if you get out of the hospital and keep flinging yourself on the railroad tracks when there's a perfectly good taxi stand nearby, uhh... what do you expect?


Not trying to make light of a serious personal crisis. Just saying. Even if you buy the "I have no control over whom I'm attracted to" argument, all right. I'll bite. You have no control. The heart wants what it wants. But you DO have control over whether you spend two hours a week getting personal attention alone in the arms of the (unsuspecting, unintentional) tempter, or if you spend two hours in a group of twenty other people with the tempter including (potentially) ten other attractive, eligible guys. If you really love dance, you can choose folk dance or line dance or partner dance with a female coach or a gay coach. There are lots of choices that don't involve getting hit by a train again.
True
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
I think it is DIFFICULT to control attraction...I think it is imperative to control oneself instead...and swimming with abandon in pools of temptation, no matter how you (or your therapist) come to understand it or the reasons for it, doesn't change the fact that you alone are responsible for walking past the opportunity to deepen it
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
I think it is DIFFICULT to control attraction...I think it is imperative to control oneself instead...and swimming with abandon in pools of temptation, no matter how you (or your therapist) come to understand it or the reasons for it, doesn't change the fact that you alone are responsible for walking past the opportunity to deepen it

I completely agree. It is difficult. I didn't want to get into my thoughts about it because I think it's a complex subject and not really on a topic that will help the OP. But yes. I agree. It's not impossible to control attraction, but it is very, very difficult.

That is why it's important to control yourself.
 

sbrnsmith

Well-Known Member
I don't think I am swimming with abandon, but you are certainly allowed to think that ...it does seem like I am. All I know is I'm starting to see things in a different light and trying to understand myself better. I don't think I'm going to self destruct, I do have self control/impulse control, though I have not applied it as my past actions show. I think I have not wanted to, and difference in my mind is that now I want to.
 

sbrnsmith

Well-Known Member
After thinking about this post I realized that I had made an implicit assumption that you're single. However I don't recall seeing any actual information about that in your posts. It might seem an awful question, but: Was that a correct assumption?
Yes I am
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
everything posted on this topic is not a direct judgement about you...if this thread were only about you, I wouldn't still be participating
 

DL

Well-Known Member
I've also tried group classes 3 different times and stopped because I didn't enjoy and felt I wasn't learning anything. I approached dance the same way I did academics, which I excelled at, in a type A, driven, focused way.
I'm just saying: Your claim that your approach to dance has been focused seems out of place on this thread.
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
I think this is a critical topic that has touched many, many of us in the dance community, if not ALL of us, at some point. As I said yesterday(?) I consider myself blessed that my first dance teacher was very, very gay. What I lost was money, not my heart, and not my body, thank God.

When you're in crisis, it's easy to think that it's all about you or that your situation is unique. I think the kinds of responses in this thread so far should bear out that sbrn's experience is not unique. It is, however , very valuable and very much appreciated by me. It is very hard to put your personal dilemma under the internet microscope and allow complete strangers to dissect and comment and what have you. I appreciate your willingness to do that, sbrn. I appreciate your openness to feedback.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
I think she has put it out there...I won't characterize that as courageous or not...I don't know...there are all sorts of reasons for that sort of thing ....I think the open-ness to the thoughts of others remains spotty...BUT that it really doesn't need to be characterized anyhow....

as to groups....lots of us are type A...lots of us know that groups are not as purely efficient to our own personal learning as are privates...there are other reasons to be open to them that might be obvious by now...
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
I hear ya. I believe that the OP is like me -- a late adopter of feedback. I don't like it or embrace it when I hear it, but I come around.That's what I've seen in her. That's the only reason I haven't set the ignore function and moved on. I think it sinks in eventually.

Groups are not the most efficient way of learning to dance, IMO but, in this case, may be the safest/best choice for a while. My $0.02. ETA: Or a female coach might work, as well. I've taken plenty of lessons from same sex coaches. It's a little weird for about the first five minutes of the first lesson, then gender is a non-issue. And it is all about the dance. :)
 

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