Crush on Instructor...

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
Therein lies the problem. Take 5 observers of the exact same situation and get 5
interpretations of the situation.



Ultimately, honest conversations and 2-way communication is the only way
mutual understanding can be achieved, or at least improved. Unfortunately,
human being are not programmed to be "honest" with each other, always
using "deceptive" methods to communicate, to stroke egos or whatever.
But round-about communication methods often have their places/usefulness.

Cultural/societal changes have probably also contributed to greater
mis-communication between people, as the lack of face-to-face
exchanges (in favor of electronics) take away from developing skills of
(non-verbal/non-written) communication. For example, it seems that
nowadays, if person A takes any "interest" in person B, person B takes
it (or _needs_ to take it) as some kind of come-on to jump into the
sack, defeating any chance for expressing interest levels that could
span quite a wide range of friendship levels. But, again, this could just
be my bias of observation (reinforced by all the crap we see in the
media, where everything is "sexual").
fair enough...but conversations and observations are all that any of us has...and they have been working perfectly well for many of us for the entirety of our lives....and until a divinity pill comes out, all we have is our best assessment of our own accuracy
 
fair enough...but conversations and observations are all that any of us has...and they have been working perfectly well for many of us for the entirety of our lives....and until a divinity pill comes out, all we have is our best assessment of our own accuracy
So, the follow-on question is whether knowing someone else well really buys
one any additional brownie points with that person (in the long run). As already
pointed out, people filter perceptions by what they LIKE to believe/see/feel,
so whether a compliment (or criticsim) comes from someone who truly knew
the perceiver well or not may not matter since the perceiver is already predisposed
to believe what he/she wants to believe. IOW, does flattery get you everywhere,
and if it does, does the flatterer do better if he/she knows the flatteree better?

I used to think getting to know someone well was an advantage, or even
prerequisite, to getting on that someone's good side (partially because
that's what we've all been told to believe). But personal experience and
observation of others is telling me that all this "understanding" stuff doesn't
really matter (except in knowing how to traverse the other person's
"minefield" of issues, in the short and unsustainable run). We tend to
like (or dislike) people using pretty superficial criteria.
 

Purr

Well-Known Member
So, the follow-on question is whether knowing someone else well really buys
one any additional brownie points with that person (in the long run).
Maybe, or maybe not. However, recognizing patterns of behavior may make it easier to be around someone. The longer you know someone, hopefully, the better the profile you build up (fraught with errors it may be).
 

Purr

Well-Known Member
seriously, as an aside, let me take this moment to caution EVERYONE about that.....one night at a comp, I checked in...my husband arrived after I would have been asleep... he gave the front desk my name and they gave him my room number and a key....he let himself in and walked into the bedroom to find a naked woman sleeping who was not me.....thank God almighty she didn't wake, didn't have a gun, etc....he quickly left...gave the front desk a sound verbal thrashing and was still vsibly shaken by the time he got to my room...I have never forgotten to lock all of the locks on my door since...and I have also (since then) let myself into two rooms that were not mine....so, I wouldn't call it a rare accident
This kind of thing happened to me once, not at a dance event, but through work. The hotel I checked into gave me a key to a room. Once I opened the door to the room, I saw luggage, clothes, and other things, so I knew the room was occupied. I went back to the front desk, and they gave me a key to another, unoccupied, room. Mistakes happen.
 

nikkitta

Well-Known Member
Happened to me too. Arrived late at night, and was given a key to an occupied room with people sleeping in it. At least I *think* they were sleeping. Didn't stick around long enough to find out.

Hotel upgraded me to a suite for my emotional trauma, which was pretty useless since I was traveling alone :rolleyes:
 

MaggieMoves

Well-Known Member
I have/had a small crush on my instructor. Ultimately though I realized that we're far too different people for it to ever work. We have dance, and we joke around with each other and it has changed into more of a brother/sister type of relationship. Outside of dance, we have very little in common that would actually hold a relationship together. Considering you're married... Just know the road you're moving in on with this. You have to realize that you're just a client to him, and he may actually just playing your emotions to keep you longer as a client (it isn't professional to do, but I've seen young inexperienced dance pros do it).

Go to class, pay attention... but just try to keep him entirely off limits. You will get much better if you don't have something like that distracting you. If that means an instructor change, it may be for the best. Tell him not to text you anymore as well, since I believe that qualifies as fraternization. I would say texting is not necessarily something that is becoming of a professional.
 

bia

Well-Known Member
Some reading for you, since I don't feel like leaping in with the standard "we have lots of threads on this just do a search" response. There's more, but I'll let you do that search if you want to. The upshot, though, is what Maggie said. This is common and normal and potentially destructive. Don't say anything. Look for things about him that you find irritating or just indicative of a bad personality match. If he guesses, so he guesses; I bet he's used to it. The feelings will wane eventually, but if they don't soon enough, switch instructors. Dancing is great, and falling in love with it is a great feeling. But you don't seem to want to destroy your relationship with your fiance, so be very careful. Remind yourself why you chose your fiance in the first place, and give time and attention to nurturing that relationship.

http://www.dance-forums.com/threads...en-their-students-have-a-crush-on-them.44740/
http://www.dance-forums.com/threads/dance-lessons.44506/
http://www.dance-forums.com/threads/the-innocent-crush-another-perspective.28254/
http://www.dance-forums.com/threads/the-teacher-student-relationship-what-is-it.37368/
http://www.dance-forums.com/threads/have-you-ever-had-a-crush-on-your-dance-instructor.45205/
http://www.dance-forums.com/threads/do-females-fall-in-love-with-instructors-more-often.44602/
 

RiseNFall

Well-Known Member
Agree with the others: don't say anything. There's really no reason for you to. I'll add something though, think about resisting the urge to dress up for the lessons given what you are acknowledging is behind it.
 

Bailamosdance

Well-Known Member
I say go for it. You will always have attractions and interactions, and this is no different. The worst thing that can happen is hurt feelings. The best thing could be a wonderful relationship.
 

bia

Well-Known Member
I say go for it. You will always have attractions and interactions, and this is no different. The worst thing that can happen is hurt feelings. The best thing could be a wonderful relationship.
With two unattached people, evidence of mutual interest, and lack of non-frat policy, sure. In this particular case... well, I guess you could call regrets over a broken engagement "hurt feelings."
 
I say go for it. You will always have attractions and interactions, and this is no different. The worst thing that can happen is hurt feelings. The best thing could be a wonderful relationship.
Bail, with all due respect, which one happened to you-the hurt feelings or the wonderful relationship? LoL.
 

GGinrhinestones

Well-Known Member
Tell him not to text you anymore as well, since I believe that qualifies as fraternization. I would say texting is not necessarily something that is becoming of a professional.
Don't want to hijack, but...I have to disagree with this one. Maybe it would qualify as fraternization in some studios, but I've never been to those...I've never met an independent instructor who doesn't use texting as a primary means of communicating with students. In fact, I STARTED texting regularly because I started dancing, and that was the number one best way for my teacher and me to coordinate lessons. Outside of dance, every person in my office uses texts to quickly and easily pass work-related messages outside of the office. In this day and age, I don't think there are too many people who would consider texting "unprofessional" as a general rule - though the contents of the text certainly could be.

Hijack over. As for the rest:

Go to class, pay attention... but just try to keep him entirely off limits. You will get much better if you don't have something like that distracting you.
Absolutely agree with this. If you really, truly, want to be GREAT - this will only get in your way. Recognize what you are doing to encourage it, even if only in your own mind, and stop. Ask yourself what it is about your dance teacher that you find so attractive - chances are it has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with falling in love with dance and all it represents. It's common, it sucks, and it will get better - but only if you recognize it for what it is and let it go.
 

FancyFeet

Well-Known Member
As long as you have zero intention to act on it, I would also just enjoy... from your original post, you've only been dancing for about 2 months. It sounds to me that a large portion of what you've attributed to your instructor could just be from you having fallen in love with dance - and he just happens to be the vehicle that lets you dance. If it makes you happy, and you can draw and respect boundaries, there may not be any need to consider actions like switching instructors... but you are the only one that can decide if the crush is harmless and fun, or something a little more serious and threatening.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
my response to this sort of thing is well documented...so if one cannot take the time to read it in the jillion other posts, I won't be taking the time to repeat myself just for them...
 

sbrnsmith

Well-Known Member
Am I the only one who finds the 'Search' feature on DF not that great....maybe I haven't learned the search function well after all these months of being on DF, but it seems inordinately difficult to find old threads....
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
it's good enough to find threads if you enter the word crush...but let's stay on topic...folks her provided her with those links on this thread
 

Dance Ads