Crush on Instructor...


Well-Known Member
I don't think enough emphasis can be put on letting it see the light of day or on getting away from it entirely...but again, that is just my limited yet hard earned experience...what I mean is this...when one is struggling with an emotion that is a secret, it has a way of being toxic to everyone, if the person doesn't have near to super human powers...there is alot to be said for saying' "hey buddy, I'm not proud of this and I know it's complicated but I am struggling with feelings for you and I don't know how to process them b/c I don't know where you stand...I don't want this to ruin our dance relationship b/c that is my top priority, but this is really in the way right now and it would help me to know what you think"...anyhow, it just seems like then you can lay all that emotional anguish aside and move in whatever direction is neccessary...again, as others have said...that is just how it worked for me...and very well I might add...but only you kow how it needs to work for you
Seems like a wise course of action to me. :cool:


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May be you felt for him, cose you know, that he is unavailable and that he can't be with you? As long, as you have a crash on him, you successfully avoid any other healthy, fullfilling relationship. If you want to make yourself as unhappy, as you can, go on. But the sooner you forget about him, the better for you.
I'm not sure why but this post had me with this popping out of my mind ...

Maybe it is time for some tango. ;)


Well-Known Member
awwww I am truly thankful for everyone's responses and advice...

everyone is so kind here, thank you for that. :)

I've tried to just let it go, and move on, even with the hidden feelings I have for him...but then there will be times where he acts super interested and nice to me, which I'm sure is normal among teachers. And when this happens, my feelings grow again, and I get all crazy over it.

We are definately friendlier to each other than I noticed among the other students. He is an amazing teacher, the best one there, in my opinion....I've taken lessons with some of the other instructors, and he is amazing, so I wouldn't want to lose him as a teacher.

I would feel uncomfortable to tell him my feelings cause I feel it'll make the whole situation awkward. But we are close, and he has mentioned that since we talk so much during our lessons, that we should spend a day outside the studio just talking, haha. Casually, we have tried to arrange a day to meet outside the studio, but he never would follow through. That's what gets me. He acts friendly, then gets distant.

I think that all goes back to the idea of how his career is on the line and he wouldn't want to cause any trouble by meeting a student outside the studio?

I guess I should try to let it be, not get all caught up in the emotions. It's extremely hard because I struggle inside and get all upset and frustrated over him. I have to work hard at it. I don't want to lose him as a teacher, and also friend. I enjoy his company and I guess I will try to keep it that way for now. I've just been doing this for a while now, I can't seem to get over him. We'll see how things turn out - maybe something could develop depending on how he acts, or maybe it'll all die down.

I just wanna thank everyone again for your kind words. It really does mean a lot!
From what you describe, he might be struggling as well. Maybed giving him some time, and yourself some time, then you'll both find a way to work it out for yourselves first, and then both of you will be more ready to address the situation jointly.


Well-Known Member
Several years ago, I had a dance teacher with whom I was emotionally involved. Not romantically. No sirreee! He's very gay. lol. Thank goodness. Or I might've have been lost -- rather awkward, since I was in a long-term committed relationship at the time.

Umm. What helped me was to start taking lessons with other teachers, in addition to him. Interacting in a friendly way with other dance teachers helped lessen the intensity of my feelings for him. For one, I wasn't spending four or five days a week, sharing stories and dishing gossip with my main teacher. For two, it gave me a more objective means of comparing his behavior toward me with other teachers' behavior toward me.

And three, in my case, at least (not yours -- mine,) it turned out that his emotional "involvement" was mostly for show. That's my interpretation, looking back on his subsequent behavior and after years of healing.

He was manipulating many of his female students in order to get them to buy lessons. I won't go into a lot of detail about how I know (although the story's here, in other threads. lol) This thread is about you. :cool:

My take? If you want to keep dancing with this teacher, then it might help if you find a way to create some distance between you and him. Even a little distance might help you find a space in which to figure out your own feelings.
This seems like another good idea. :cool:
May be you felt for him, cose you know, that he is unavailable and that he can't be with you? As long, as you have a crash on him, you successfully avoid any other healthy, fullfilling relationship. If you want to make yourself as unhappy, as you can, go on. But the sooner you forget about him, the better for you.
Well, it depends on how you look at crushes. Crushes can be very helpful... especially when it comes to dance. However, if taken to the extreme then it might become very unhealthy especially if it comes to dance. ;)
I definately don't think it's for money....

He doesn't own the studio, and he has plenty of students already. Since he is already full with students, sometimes it's hard to schedule a lesson since he is completely booked. He's even suggested to me to take lessons with a female instructor to further develop my dance.

We are both 22 years old. I've been taking lessons with him for about 1/2 a year, and about 2 years in total at a previous studio.

He's not my first instructor, I took lessons at another studio and with the former teacher I did realize that he would manipulate his students for more lessons, etc. But I can tell with my current instructor that it's not that way.

I think if it continues to frustrate me, I'll take your advice and try to distant myself by taking lessons with other instructors. I guess I have to see how things turn out...

It's a good idea for you to take control over the distance between you. As you've described it, he pulls you closer, dangles the possibility of more, then pushes you away. Whether he's manipulative or confused, that kind of behavior is guaranteed to stoke your feelings and keep your hopes going (intermittent reinforcement and all that). The solution is for you to take charge and set the boundaries for closeness--be friendly, but don't suggest more or respond to his hints. Focus on your dancing, enjoy his company, and walk out of the studio. That will give your feelings a chance to calm down, give him some space to figure himself out if he needs to, and whatever will happen, will happen.

And if you are afraid that you'll lose his interest if you don't ride his emotional roller coaster, that's a big warning! You don't want to be in a relationship based on that.
And if you are afraid that you'll lose his interest if you don't ride his emotional roller coaster, that's a big warning! You don't want to be in a relationship based on that.
I agree with Larinda. That's a very good point.

And if anything instructors are salesman (if they are good), they will do almost anything to get your business. You have to realize that let's say in my case, the guy made me mad, I have to think why did they call me, then I think, they just want my money I'm going elsewhere. It's a business. They just care about the money first and foremost. That's why you have to realize what you want and go for it and forget about the other drama going on.


New Member
I wish I was so lucky as to have a dance student and I fall for each other. :( I teach social dancing at a community centre, so there aren't any restrictions except the rules I hold for myself. (I always tell my students that I a just another person when I dance with them to show them how something feels/looks like because I have been told many times I am intimidating. What's that all about???)


Well-Known Member
I almost always find it intimidating to dance with a teacher or someone significantly better than me. It's the thought that they're going to notice EVERYTHING I do wrong, and the guilt (not quite the right word, but oh well) that I'm holding them back from really having fun. Oh well.

Regarding the OP...I second what Larinda said a while back. Recognize it as a crush, enjoy the warm-fuzzy feeling, and leave it at that. Realize that dancing, with the somewhat intimate (relative to normal amounts of contact with near-strangers) contact, and the personal attention you're being shown in the lesson, and the endorphin rush you get from the dancing, all combine to induce some very love-like feelings. But if you recognize it for what it is and what it isn't, and set up some very clear boundaries for yourself, there's nothing wrong (IMO) with enjoying that happy feeling. I find that it passes, no harm done, and there's a nice fondness that remains.

For myself, I've "fallen" for every one of my dance teachers. I enjoy the crush while it lasts, and then enjoy it when it's over. With my first teacher, though, I still feel like I have a crush on him after any smooth lesson--especially waltz. Of course, I pretty much feel like I hate him and could strangle him after a rhythm lesson, lol.


Well-Known Member
And, in response to your point, Peaches, I think you're absolutely right. At least for some people, quietly crushin and enjoying the warm fuzzies is the best possible course.

But I also think that fascination's earlier point was correct, as well. Keeping it to oneself in a positive way may not be possible for some people.

My bottom line is, whatever course you take, consider the potential consequences carefully. Then make the best possible choice, given what you know and who you are. :cool:

And then there's the messy bit. Sometimes teachers and students (or teachers and teachers or partners and partners or all sorts of other inappropriate pairings) really do fall in love, over and above the infatuation that's perfectly normal. Then what? :?


Well-Known Member
Yeah, if nothing else, that was BIGASS CLUE #1 that what I had been feeling was crush! You know it's not real when you can predect how you'll feel about your teacher based on what dance you work on.

Waltz = love. Tango = lust. Foxtrot = sexy/elegant.

Rumba = argumentative (I AM settled all the way into my hip! What? You don't believe me?!?! Tell me how, exactly, I'm supposed to get any more motion out of that joint... *taps foot, hands on hips, defiantly*).

Cha = screw you and the horse you rode in on.

Samba = Oh, Hells no.

Mambo, Bolero = No. Find something else. No. I'm not even going to bother getting my shoes on unless you find something else. Waltz? Sure! Will you marry me?

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