Crush on Instructor...

tt

New Member
Thank you for all the advice above. It really helps to hear some objective opinions (which I obviously cannot manage myself at the moment).

I am afraid I did not make my situation entirely clear in the original post. I am only in this city for training for a short period, and will leave in a few weeks. I treasure every minute I can spend with him and only wish it would be longer. So in a way, I am a bit tempted to let him know how I feel...

I read the P&B's post. It is one of the sweetest pieces I have ever read...
 

samina

Well-Known Member
welcome to DF, tt.

LG and fasc have said it very well. and that you are leaving is, IMO, a blessing... you can take the delicious memories of feeling so "activated" with you, without the torture of feeling that trigger week after week. having someone press that romantic (or otherwise...) button can just be a powerful sign that you're "coming alive" in new ways, and the more you can take it as such rather than personalize it, certainly the happier you'll feel in the long run.

keep us posted on your journey with it. there are many that read these stories as an aid to figure out their own personal dynamics.
 
If this guy is anywhere near normal, the amount of time he spends with you will have little or no impact on how he 'feels about you'.
If he likes you, he most likely did so from the get go.

There's TONS (make that MEGATONS) of ladies who 'crush' on their instructors, be that dancing, tennis, skiing, fitness, etc. etc. etc.

Chances that you are THE ONE he's been 'waiting for' are extremely slim,. but since you're only in town for a few weeks, it can't hurt too much (or for too long) to let him know.
Just be prepared for the worst, whatever that may be.
 

danceronice

Well-Known Member
Look on the bright side, you're leaving, so you can have your crush and be done with it. You're probably not his first student who's had one and won't be the last. Since you're only there for a little while I wouldn't say a word.
 

tt

New Member
Thanks for all the replies..

- Wolfgang
If this guy is anywhere near normal, the amount of time he spends with you will have little or no impact on how he 'feels about you'.
If he likes you, he most likely did so from the get go.
You comment is interesting..Is that really how guys think? I never thought about it this way...
 

etp777

Active Member
You comment is interesting..Is that really how guys think? I never thought about it this way...

It depends on the guy. For myself, there's four requirements to be really interested in someone, in no particular order.

Good Personality
Reasonably Intelligent
Physically attractive (though as I get to know someone better, and find I like them, will consequently find them more physically attractive)
And last, and most elusive, the spark of proper chemistry.

To get all four, esp the first and last, takes time. Can know right from start whether I find them physically attractive, and even that can change as mentioned, but for everything, definitely takes time, and surprise myself at who ends up meeting all four. Or alternatively, who I should be interested in on paper and that last bit of chemistry never happens.

And no, I'm not telling who falls into either group. ;)
 
Here is my two cents, as a pro..

This comment is especially geared towards social dancers, where the teaching isn't as strict, but its more about having fun...

I think its very easy to develop a crush on an instructor, esp when working in such close proximity, and when you have to trust him/her about everything, you can develop some strong feelings. You have to understand that these are not normal circumstances!! And you don't know each other as well as you think you do......outside the studio he may turn out to be quite different than you imagined (you might never find out). The Teacher's job is always to be "on"....whether they have a good or bad day, the show must go....so teachers seem always happy and like they are having a blast, and oh how they care for you....and so they transfer that energy to the student! And thats why students keep coming back.....and sometimes develop crushes....

But you have to also understand its his job to make you have fun and feel all these good emotions. Its his job!! I would suggest that you just understand that in that environment you may have a crush on him....but don't mistake it for something more than that until you really had a chance to see him "off stage" as well...

Hope this helps...


I am a newbie in dancing, only started dancing half a year ago. Recently I came to a different city for work training and decided to take some private lessons here after work. However, I found myself having a crush on my instrutor...I think about him all the time and visit the studio he works in (almost daily) hoping to bump into him. I tried to practise as much as I can on my own so that I won't disappoint him in the next lesson.

Given the short amount of time we have spent together, I doubt if he has similar feeling for me.

I haven't felt this way for anyone for a very long time. Every time I liked someone, I never had the courage to confess to them/ask them out.

Has anyone had similar experiences? What shall I do? Shall I hold back my feelings and just carry on having lessons with him? Shall I stop taking classes from him altogether? Or maybe I should tell him how I feel?

I searched on the forum, and it seems that many people have had crushes on their teacher/partner. So maybe my instrutor has had so many female students falling for him in the past that he will think it is just the same old story again? I don't want to make a fool of myself or annoy him. But I also feel that I should be brave enough to confess my feeling, at least for once...
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
true...and sometimes, it happens even when they aren't always on...shrug...dance is a passionate and intimate thing, it can catch a new person, unaccustomed to that sort of contact with many people of the opposite sex, off guard... it can be confusing...and it is a hard lesson to learn
 

wooh

Well-Known Member
Here is my two cents, as a pro..

This comment is especially geared towards social dancers, where the teaching isn't as strict, but its more about having fun...

I think its very easy to develop a crush on an instructor, esp when working in such close proximity, and when you have to trust him/her about everything, you can develop some strong feelings. You have to understand that these are not normal circumstances!! And you don't know each other as well as you think you do......outside the studio he may turn out to be quite different than you imagined (you might never find out). The Teacher's job is always to be "on"....whether they have a good or bad day, the show must go....so teachers seem always happy and like they are having a blast, and oh how they care for you....and so they transfer that energy to the student! And thats why students keep coming back.....and sometimes develop crushes....

But you have to also understand its his job to make you have fun and feel all these good emotions. Its his job!! I would suggest that you just understand that in that environment you may have a crush on him....but don't mistake it for something more than that until you really had a chance to see him "off stage" as well...

Hope this helps...
I think everyone that's crushing or thinking about crushing on their instructor needs to read this. A few times. Then sleep on it. And read it again.
 
Thanks for all the replies..

- Wolfgang


You comment is interesting..Is that really how guys think? I never thought about it this way...
That's how everyone 'thinks'.
Attraction is either there immediately or it isn't.
Many people try to pretend otherwise, but that's all it is - pretend.
 

tt

New Member
That's how everyone 'thinks'.
Attraction is either there immediately or it isn't.
Many people try to pretend otherwise, but that's all it is - pretend.
hm...
Does it mean it is either love at first sight or relationship with someone we are not (physically) attracted to?
 

tt

New Member
Here is my two cents, as a pro..

This comment is especially geared towards social dancers, where the teaching isn't as strict, but its more about having fun...

I think its very easy to develop a crush on an instructor, esp when working in such close proximity, and when you have to trust him/her about everything, you can develop some strong feelings. You have to understand that these are not normal circumstances!! And you don't know each other as well as you think you do......outside the studio he may turn out to be quite different than you imagined (you might never find out). The Teacher's job is always to be "on"....whether they have a good or bad day, the show must go....so teachers seem always happy and like they are having a blast, and oh how they care for you....and so they transfer that energy to the student! And thats why students keep coming back.....and sometimes develop crushes....

But you have to also understand its his job to make you have fun and feel all these good emotions. Its his job!! I would suggest that you just understand that in that environment you may have a crush on him....but don't mistake it for something more than that until you really had a chance to see him "off stage" as well...

Hope this helps...
I perfectly agree with what you said, Leonid. Thanks for sharing the perspective from a pro.

I admit that what I have for the instructor is mainly based on physical attraction, if not solely. It is hard not to develop the butterfly feeling after dance with him in an 'initimate' setting, especially for a newbie. I do not know about his personality, his life and so on...and he is probably just be nice and friendly to me in a purely professionally way. After all I am his student, and it is in his interest to show me his passion for dance and make sure that I enjoy the lessons...

Yesterday, I saw him again in the studio. I wanted to have a conversation with him, but he only just said hi and went to chat with some other girls he knew. It really hurted then. It made me feel that all the warmth and friendliness he had was only in the classroom. I did not hope that he would have feelings for me, but I thought we were semi-friends...

It only got worse as the group lesson I took was too advanced for me, I can at most try to do the technique/posture right(ish) when I do it very slowly, and the class were doing it with music and I was all over the place...
 
There are indeed many types of attraction and love.
There's the love you have for your parents or siblings.
There's the love you have for your pets.
There's the love you have for cheese cake. Or pickles.
There's the love you have for the (maybe) handful of people who are actual, real friends.

All different.

The love for a member of the opposite sex, however, is based pretty much 100% on attraction, and that's either instant or not there.
It can, of course, grow from there, but if nothing is there initially, nothing can grow.
You cannot plant trees on Mars (or Venus, for that matter...).
 
Aww, sorry to hear that you are feeling hurt.

But this is actually a perfect example that shows how people build up expectations regarding their teacher, and how "you are such friends".... and you could very well be friends, but you have to understand he's got probably 30 other students who are all his friends....

And try to look at it from the pro's position, he is also in a very tough position trying to make sure he gives enough of his time to all of them....

So as a student, I would suggest that you be glad when he says hi, without any expectations of further longer convos...







I perfectly agree with what you said, Leonid. Thanks for sharing the perspective from a pro.

I admit that what I have for the instructor is mainly based on physical attraction, if not solely. It is hard not to develop the butterfly feeling after dance with him in an 'initimate' setting, especially for a newbie. I do not know about his personality, his life and so on...and he is probably just be nice and friendly to me in a purely professionally way. After all I am his student, and it is in his interest to show me his passion for dance and make sure that I enjoy the lessons...

Yesterday, I saw him again in the studio. I wanted to have a conversation with him, but he only just said hi and went to chat with some other girls he knew. It really hurted then. It made me feel that all the warmth and friendliness he had was only in the classroom. I did not hope that he would have feelings for me, but I thought we were semi-friends...

It only got worse as the group lesson I took was too advanced for me, I can at most try to do the technique/posture right(ish) when I do it very slowly, and the class were doing it with music and I was all over the place...
 
In my view, I think attraction is a natural instinct.... and it could be for many people.... but I would not interchange attraction with "love"..... Attraction is more on physical plane.... while "love" is more from the heart....

You do need the attraction to be there to have "real love"......But sole attraction is just an attraction........attraction also sprouts a lot from conditioning ( what society engraved in our heads) from the mind playing games on us, so I would not mistake it for love.



There are indeed many types of attraction and love.
There's the love you have for your parents or siblings.
There's the love you have for your pets.
There's the love you have for cheese cake. Or pickles.
There's the love you have for the (maybe) handful of people who are actual, real friends.

All different.

The love for a member of the opposite sex, however, is based pretty much 100% on attraction, and that's either instant or not there.
It can, of course, grow from there, but if nothing is there initially, nothing can grow.
You cannot plant trees on Mars (or Venus, for that matter...).
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
I agree...initially I was not the least bit physically attracted to my last crush...that changed, but that wasn't how it grew...it grew as a result of empathy and shared stories and alot of time spent together...

which I think is my bottom line on all of this...while there are tendencies and patterns to alot of this...each interaction between two persons is going to be unique to those two persons, maybe even varied between the two of them, so while we can talk about tendencies, some relationships are difficult to dfine and uncharacteristic and multi-layered...sort of like the FB status; "it's complicated"
 
He's your instructor, of course there will be some attraction, but don't make it disrupt your progress.

This is why in some cases, relationships don't work on the dance floor, since too many feelings are involved and you take them with you, and it might jeopardize your dance partnership.

He's athletic, because it helps him in his performance, so just let him do his lesson, and let it be.

They come and go, don't let it get to your head, as you probably share these feelings because you can trust them, but leave it at that.
 

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