Feelings developing?

luh

Active Member
#21
fascination said:
luh said:
i guess our disagreement is some more fundamental. I think unhealthy people can make healthy decissions.
luh
possible, but far less likely,... and the bigger issue is whether they have the capacity to weather a difficult situation....and of course a person can simply be "unhealthy"-- for lack of a better term-- in one or two very minor ways... still, there is a tendency for people to act out of that space....not a certainty, but a tendency.
a good reason to try it especially if it's "just" a tendency. - Sorry, but I'll be honest to you. i think it's bullsh$t what you said. You could as well say, there is a tendency that male dancers are gay in the ballett scene. Or that dance-couples don't work out, or teacher-student love doesn't work out.....
luh
 

Sagitta

Well-Known Member
#22
I'm with fascination on this one. People who use words such as depression, not doing group classes because of "psychological" reasons, should be careful in what they let themselves get drawn into. I actually am very happy that Missy is being honest with the context and background of her current situation. I personally have had people who are experiencing personal problems get into relationships with me through dance and later they have actually come back and thanked me for gently not taking it any further, or not taking advantage of them, even if we dated a while. There is an entire dynamic that comes into play with these situations. On the other hand I've seen unscrupulous people take advantage and the end result has been horrible/painful. I'm not saying it never works out, but it is very very very very very difficult....
 
#23
My humble opinion is that everyone should have his/her own experiences.

You cant live asking others what to do. Maybe Missy should ignore all the "advices" and just do what she thinks its better (And if she doesnt, take a chance).

If she takes the "risk", she may get dissapointed or not, but there are not logical reasons or certain answers in life (dont talk to me about statistics)...

If she doesnt, other things may happen, whatever...

So, my opinion is that Missy should do what Missy wants and not what other people tells her to do.

Maybe all the people that say that she shouldnt do it had bad experiences about it, buy they did got their experience. So, why not leave Missy have her own.

Hope it helps.
 

Sagitta

Well-Known Member
#24
Right, we are all aware that Missy can do what she wants, and she will, but since she has asked for our advice many of us who have had similar experiences and seen others having them third-hand are sharing them so that when she makes her choice she makes it with a clearly understanding of what the consequences could be, both good and/or bad. We are not trained psycologists or social workers, but just fellow df members with a little experience with dance related relationships and feelings that come out as a result of dancing. And so what we say should be taken as such.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#25
luh...I am sorry you feel that way....but while I am in no way giving professional advice on this forum...I have spent a great deal of time dealing with these circumstances not only personally but professionally and ministerially and am telling you my honest observation over many instances....I think it is a bit impetuous to call that bull poo, but this is an open forum and you are free state your view
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#26
Zaratustra shaking it said:
My humble opinion is that everyone should have his/her own experiences.

You cant live asking others what to do. Maybe Missy should ignore all the "advices" and just do what she thinks its better (And if she doesnt, take a chance).

If she takes the "risk", she may get dissapointed or not, but there are not logical reasons or certain answers in life (dont talk to me about statistics)...

If she doesnt, other things may happen, whatever...

So, my opinion is that Missy should do what Missy wants and not what other people tells her to do.

Maybe all the people that say that she shouldnt do it had bad experiences about it, buy they did got their experience. So, why not leave Missy have her own.

Hope it helps.
to echo sagitta, a person who posts on this site is seeking advice...and people with similar experiences will chime in...people who also have some professional background may as well...not as counselors but as persons who have been in the situation, though they may filter their response through their entire breadth of experience while never intending to substitute for good clinical help....and their opinions don't weigh anymore heavily than anyone elses unless the original poster decides that they do....it never stops being in the lap of the original poster...it is their life...and no one, least of all a professional, should try to live it for them
 
#27
Hmm, interesting perspective, i think the different POV is really unique due to the age & life experience of the individual. When i was luh's age, i believed that everything should be "experienced" - i've viewed the advices from the elderly and the wise to be b.s. and that they're cowardly and "out of date" and now 10 years later, I've gradually learned to appreciate other people's opinion - yes, individual's experiences differ, but they nonetheless shows the common human fallacy and weakness - the kind of advice that everyone can benefit from.

Whatever Missy decides to do, it's her choice, we can only tell her the hypothetical consequences and give her advices as those who've btdt - but let's all respect each other b/c we're all trying to help - and in my book, as long as a person's intent is genuine, though I can choose to debate or even dismiss the said advice, I will not degrade their opinion as b.s.

hugs for everyone....:friend:
 
#28
Reviving this thread to ask if someone can please help point me in the right direction of the many threads on this subject? Not having much luck finding them.

I am in DESPERATE need of some common sense talked into me. Im hoping reading these threads may just do that :(
 
#29
profession help?

Did you get profession help for the depression ? You said have a problem with group lession; Are you still getting help?
Both myself and my wife of 5 year have psychological problem. I'm veitnam vet with PTSD and she has just as serious problems (I'm being discrete) . Both knew from the start but both of us get professional help. We been dancing from the start, did a have really rough time for about 6 month right in the middle and didn't dance after that for six months things are fine now.

Advice? Personally I think you problems may be serious
If you've not talk talked to profession might be good Idea.
This can be a minister, school adviser/consular , social worker . They should be able to at least point you to right person to help you. Might be them or it might be a psychologist .

Does he understand your problems. Have you told him outright?
Who wouldn't have feelings for someone who has done so much for you!
Whether or not you should allow yourself to develop feels I will not say.
A professional could help you with that.

But I hope you found here good examples of how things can work out!
 
#30
Did you get profession help for the depression ? You said have a problem with group lession; Are you still getting help?
Both myself and my wife of 5 year have psychological problem. I'm veitnam vet with PTSD and she has just as serious problems (I'm being discrete) . Both knew from the start but both of us get professional help. We been dancing from the start, did a have really rough time for about 6 month right in the middle and didn't dance after that for six months things are fine now.

Advice? Personally I think you problems may be serious
If you've not talk talked to profession might be good Idea.
This can be a minister, school adviser/consular , social worker . They should be able to at least point you to right person to help you. Might be them or it might be a psychologist .

Does he understand your problems. Have you told him outright?
Who wouldn't have feelings for someone who has done so much for you!
Whether or not you should allow yourself to develop feels I will not say.
A professional could help you with that.

But I hope you found here good examples of how things can work out!
Is this reply for me? Because I am not the same person who started this thread. :)

I am not dealing with depression, just one of the other pitfalls of ballroom dancing which is being attracted to your partner, and I need some good old fashioned commonsense knocked into me I think!
 

DL

Well-Known Member
#31
The thing is, people silently build one-sided romantic feelings over time, all the while increasing the perceived risk / downside of acquiring certain knowledge that the other party doesn't harbor the same feelings. And, the further down that road the first party goes alone, the less likely it is that the other party has been traveling down the same road just as far.

Interested in your partner or anybody else? Suggest a caual date *early on*. If the answer is "yes," see what happens. If the answer is "no," oh well, and no harm done.

If you're in the trap of being "early on" in objective reality but have inflated feelings in your subjective experience: first find a way to deflate them, for your own sake.
 
#32
Reviving this thread to ask if someone can please help point me in the right direction of the many threads on this subject? Not having much luck finding them.

I am in DESPERATE need of some common sense talked into me. Im hoping reading these threads may just do that :sad:
I'm not sure what your exact situation is. Just taking a guess...you might look at this one.
Managing my dance crush

Or maybe some of these.
Confessing your Dancefloor Crush
Is it just me or is it WRONG TO DATE YOUR DANCE PARTNER
I have a crush on my dance partner
The Innocent Crush, another perspective
Emotional Attached
 
#33
#34
The thing is, people silently build one-sided romantic feelings over time, all the while increasing the perceived risk / downside of acquiring certain knowledge that the other party doesn't harbor the same feelings. And, the further down that road the first party goes alone, the less likely it is that the other party has been traveling down the same road just as far.

Interested in your partner or anybody else? Suggest a caual date *early on*. If the answer is "yes," see what happens. If the answer is "no," oh well, and no harm done.

If you're in the trap of being "early on" in objective reality but have inflated feelings in your subjective experience: first find a way to deflate them, for your own sake.
thanks DL, My situation is a little more complicated and suggesting a date isnt really an option, but I appreciate the advice - very wise!
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#36
miss kitty...I think he was confused...at any rate, do a search using the word crush as a starting point...at any rate, many women tend to equate physical itimacy with emotional intimacy...there is only one way to find out...and that is to ask..but then the fantasy is exposed and most folks are afraid to do that...IMO, it is the best way to either nip it in the bud or let it grow...otherwise the attraction grows in te dark and may not be good for the dance relationship...it is normal to have an attachment to the person you dance with..it is important to know where your limit is and if you need to know what the other is feeling or if you can truly leave it alone and let it be about the dancing..good luck...my empathy
 
#38
miss kitty...I think he was confused...at any rate, do a search using the word crush as a starting point...at any rate, many women tend to equate physical itimacy with emotional intimacy...there is only one way to find out...and that is to ask..but then the fantasy is exposed and most folks are afraid to do that...IMO, it is the best way to either nip it in the bud or let it grow...otherwise the attraction grows in te dark and may not be good for the dance relationship...it is normal to have an attachment to the person you dance with..it is important to know where your limit is and if you need to know what the other is feeling or if you can truly leave it alone and let it be about the dancing..good luck...my empathy
Thank you so much fasc, I have been reading your responses in the other threads suggested by TC and your point view and comments are really helping me.

It's almost like I have two sides of me presently. The level headed one and the one whose head is being ruled by.....who knows what.
 

DL

Well-Known Member
#39
Well thats just it :) If I was a single person myself, then of course it would be that simple.

But Im not.
Sounds like the primary issue isn't the fantasy relationship you contemplate but rather the actual relationship you're already in. I guess all I can say is: it's up to you what priority to give the latter.
 
#40
Sounds like the primary issue isn't the fantasy relationship you contemplate but rather the actual relationship you're already in. I guess all I can say is: it's up to you what priority to give the latter.
I appreciate your thoughts, but it really is so much more complicated than that. I would really love to share the full story, because I am so desperate to talk to SOMEONE about this...

But I worry this is in the public domain and if certain persons were to read it, would take it the wrong way.

Of course because Im not sharing details this is all probably rather cryptic and doesnt make much sense....sorry
 

Dance Ads