Negative comments from family members who don't dance

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#21
actually yea...i think lots of folks care about my dancing and know that I am open to their assessment and they share strictly to make me a better dancer...but certainly there are people who will assess my dancing through a lens of distaste for me, either temporarily or b/c they have a longstanding issue...I know the difference, and I don't spend much time beyond the personal hurt of it on whether or not it has credibility...but if my family and friends are assessing my dancing, i trust that it is genuinely about my dancing...i guess it depends upon what one's family is like, but if what they are offering isn't about the dancing, then I circle back to the issue not really being about the dancing but about how I deal with those sorts of people in general and how to limit their contact with myself...
 

Dancebug

Well-Known Member
#23
My family member who does dance (and who does dance with me) criticizes about my dancing all the time. Most of time his criticism hurts, especailly when I still get criticism after I did my best. But I am resigned that getting criticism is part of dancing. I think it would be rather easy to handle criticism from someone who does not dance, though. I could just say "thank you for pointing that out," and then I would ignore it, thinking they do not know what they are talking about. But when criticism comes from someone who knows something about dancing, whom I cannot stop bringing to the stuido or competitions when I dance, ignoring will not work.
 
#24
I've been taught (and actually agree....) that criticizing someone else's dancing is completely uncalled for unless, of course, you are the instructor or they specifically asked you for critique.

In my experience, there's almost always something other than the actual dancing behind such unsolicited and off-the-mark critique.

What I personally find especially weird is when a couple all of a sudden stops and one 'explains' something to the other, blocking traffic as they do so.
 

NonieS

Well-Known Member
#25
My family member who does dance (and who does dance with me) criticizes about my dancing all the time. Most of time his criticism hurts, especailly when I still get criticism after I did my best. But I am resigned that getting criticism is part of dancing. I think it would be rather easy to handle criticism from someone who does not dance, though. I could just say "thank you for pointing that out," and then I would ignore it, thinking they do not know what they are talking about. But when criticism comes from someone who knows something about dancing, whom I cannot stop bringing to the stuido or competitions when I dance, ignoring will not work.

My old partner used to criticize and nag me all the times in practice and even on lessons.... it was one of the primary reasons (that and me going to london ;)) that I stopped dancing with him... it just took the fun out of dancing. In my mind, a partnership is supposed to be more constructive and equal.. not the situation where one is constantly nagging the other to the point that they want to stop dancing altogether.
 

NonieS

Well-Known Member
#26
I've been taught (and actually agree....) that criticizing someone else's dancing is completely uncalled for unless, of course, you are the instructor or they specifically asked you for critique.

In my experience, there's almost always something other than the actual dancing behind such unsolicited and off-the-mark critique.

What I personally find especially weird is when a couple all of a sudden stops and one 'explains' something to the other, blocking traffic as they do so.

I agree... i personally feel uncomfortable giving unsolicited critiques of other dancers (even if they are at a much lower level than me)...I just don't do it lol... I feel way too awkward.

Sometimes, it is helpful to just practice and work on stuff yourself and not have someone constantly reminding you of what you are doing wrong. So, I try to keep that in mind and not pester people with corrections when they are doing their own thing. Generally, the beginners on our team will notice me watching them, and will ask for advice... or they will just come up to me even while I am practicing and ask for help.
 
#27
My mum has said she thought it 'weird' me starting dancing 4 or 5 years ago. She even commented saying 'why' to my latest fad of wanting to go and do private lessons... I just laughed it off but it actually made me feel awful...
Do tend to take things to heart (that's what you get from eating too many cakes - they make you go soft :D )

On the otherhand, my dad seems to think it's a good thing...
 

ChaChaMama

Well-Known Member
#28
I have gotten the "Seems like an expensive hobby" comment.

My answer was something like "Yup!"

My feeling is, I'm a pretty financially responsible person. I pay my mortgage, max out my work retirement plan, put $450/mo. in my daughter's 529 college savings plan, put aside enough money to send her to private school, etc. I have life insurance and a will. I have more than the recommended 3-6 months of salary set aside for a rainy day. I give money and/or time to institutions and causes that are important to me.

I think I've earned the right to have some fun. This is my idea of fun.


So even though I heard the concern/criticism, I decided I was okay with it!
 
#29
I have gotten the "Seems like an expensive hobby" comment.
Did anyone in your family ever say anything to you about actual dancing, though?

I think it's more common for relatives to make comments which non-family would never make, i.e. about unflattering fashion choices from their pov, or when you do something that does not look so good.
 
#30
So, in this case she is the dancer and you are the incompetent family.
yep, :p Though, she still hasn't laid down the law yet. Perhaps I still may have a few years of incompetent criticism for her, yet.

She was taking a A.T. private yesterday,...and I shouted out something about extension. She snapped her finger at me with a scowl and pointed to me as if to say,....shut your piehole. :cool: I scampered out of the room.
I also sent an email of apology to the instructor.
 

waltzguy

Active Member
#31
I know someone who often gives me free advice, but advice that's not necessarily correct. Actually, majority of the time, the advice is incorrect or inaccurate. This person is only a social-level dancer. And yes, it is a family member.
 
#32
... This person is only a social-level dancer. ... .
Excuse me, but is there something wrong with being "only" a social dancer?

Once again, we social dancers are seen somehow to be less worthy of respect.
:mad:

In spite of long-time DFers assertions to the contrary, social dancers can easily feel marginalized around here and that may be why we often tend to lurk quietly in the DF shadows.

Rant over.
 
#33
I second the idea that those negative comments from family don't come from a vacuum and that there might be more behind it than being about one's dancing. It can be hard to blow off comments especially from ppl who are supposed to be close to you.
I think it's pretty common for the parents to worry and try to push their kids down paths that seem secure to them, and to try to somehow get them to do their best, even if they don't always know what they're talking about (eg technique).

One of the things that we've thought about with our team dynamics (kind of a loose family that you're not stuck with) is that even though a dancer might not be able to perform a sequence, they could still have valid feedback about how other ppl are doing it, if not valid info on how to do it correctly-- but I think this is kind of different from the problems tanya's having.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
#34
Excuse me, but is there something wrong with being "only" a social dancer?

Once again, we social dancers are seen somehow to be less worthy of respect.
:mad:

In spite of long-time DFers assertions to the contrary, social dancers can easily feel marginalized around here and that may be why we often tend to lurk quietly in the DF shadows.

Rant over.
agree...and hopefully WG will take more care in the future
 
#35
I know someone who often gives me free advice, but advice that's not necessarily correct. Actually, majority of the time, the advice is incorrect or inaccurate. This person is only a social-level dancer. And yes, it is a family member.
On behalf of our social dancing DFers, who span a wide range in ability, let's try to use the term "social" to describe activities or events, rather than ability level. Thanks! :)

It's unfortunate - that negative correlation between skill and unsolicited advice on the floor. DL's signature comes to mind. :)
 

Lioness

Well-Known Member
#36
My dad doesn't comment on my dancing so much, but with other sports he thinks he knows something about, he doesn't hesitate to give me the 'do this, do that, put your mind in this place' comments. Frequently.

I tend to ignore it, because most of the time he is pointing out something I laready know and am trying to fix.
 
#40
very often our friends ask us how did they do during specific heat in a comp, but it is very hard to give suggestions on their technique, because I am not sure what are they working on with their teacher and on our level we all have many problems and we cannot correct them all at once. I only reserve to small and very specific suggestions, for example, heel lead from promenade in waltz or leader's fingers all apart in a hold; and only if I was asked for my comments.
 

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