pygmalion's dating advice thread

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samina

Well-Known Member
Just curious. What are your drop-dead, must-haves?
honesty, dependability, open heart, open & intelligent mind. compatible values, goals, and outlook. must love to laugh. and without natural emotional chemistry, we're not gonna get past the third date. :)

bad kissing is a show-stopper, as i've said. physical chemistry is a must for me at this point in my life. i paid a lifetime of dues in that department and the grass must be green in that area or i'm not putting my picnic basket down. :cool:
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
fascination said:
that part is entirely your business :smile:...just sharing my view on what I think the consequences would be for me....I mean, I have been know to develop attaments from waltzing...I seriously doubt I could get nekkid w/ someone then just wish them well and let it be...just me...for better or worse, I don't think i am wired that way...it is too far off from my perspective on why I would have intercourse in the first place...I can appreciate thsat others have vastly different views on it

I suspect I'm a lot like you, in terms of my motivations and (dare I say it? ) values. But ... divorce changes everything. The things that were concrete are now fluid and vice versa.

Everything's on the table, and friends with benefits doesn't sound bad. (as it used to, anymore. :lol: )

We'll see.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
oh...don't get me wrong...friendship changes everything...for me, if you are truly friends with someone then that can survive sex :)...or whatever else two people can do to each other (good, bad, and in between)...and with friendship, you can have candid pre and post conversations assuming a level of maturity...I am not of the mind that after one has hit our age and been married a good long while, that a legal contract be neccessary for a sex life...but a certain deep understanding of the other would still be neccessary for me.... not even as a value but as a protective measure for myself...though I think it may also be a value
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
sami said:
oh yes. clean... i put that in the "compatible values & outlook" dept.

Clean yes. And there's a lot to be said for musky. :shock: There's a lot to be said, IMHO, for the smell of an honest, clean, hard-working, sweaty man. *aaaah*

OTOH. Showers open up a whole new level of fun. *grin*
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
but a certain deep understanding of the other would still be neccessary for me.... not even as a value but as a protective measure for myself...though I think it may also be a value

Yes. Got those values, m'self, which is why this thread. I'm exploring those values and trying to figure out which ones still fit.
 

samina

Well-Known Member
I was just kidding. I do have plans for The Guy that involve ... ya know ... nudity. :oops: ...
I do plan to use those six weeks to get to know more about myself and The Guy. And we'll see. :)
i've told more than one GF over the years that it's hard to enjoy a gourmet meal when you're starving.:rolleyes:

there's a long tradition of ladies going out to just have fun after a long hiatus and get their groove back like stella, but that's not necessarily what's needed, IMO.

do whatever you need to do to find some relaxation & ease about navigating that aspect of things, P, so you can really enjoy getting to know this guy (and yourself). am sure you know how building things up in one's mind, out of over-eagerness or nerves, can easily lead to disappointment and stress.:kissme:
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
without natural emotional chemistry, we're not gonna get past the third date. :)

What do you see as emotional chemistry?

Not just a question for sami. I ask because I think that may be where I flubbed up, with the ex. He and I shared values -- spiritual, community, financial, familial, etc -- but I don't think we were ever on the same emotional wavelength.

I need to understand this, so I don't go down that same path again.

Anyone who's willing to share (I know it's not easy) would be more than appreciated.
 

samina

Well-Known Member
Clean yes. And there's a lot to be said for musky. :shock: There's a lot to be said, IMHO, for the smell of an honest, clean, hard-working, sweaty man. *aaaah*

OTOH. Showers open up a whole new level of fun. *grin*
actually, come to think of it... smell is such a powerful marker of compatibility! if you don't like the way the guy smells, whether it's natural odor or even his sensibilities around what he puts on his body & how he cares for himself, it's a potent marker for an incompatibility somewhere.

some people don't care about that and are less sensitive. but i have freakishly sensitive smell so...:rolleyes:

loving the way a guy smells triggers something very primal in a woman's brain.:cool:
 

samina

Well-Known Member
What do you see as emotional chemistry?
ease to be yourself, to feel safe about revealing yourself and being received. i experience it as a quietness and soft spot in the relationship that allows mutual receptivity and trust... leading to intimacy.

the opposite: prickliness or coldness, defendedness, lack of receptivity, and always the sense that someone is either distant or that you have to navigate eggshells to make emotional contact. that is not natural emotional chemistry.
 

kckc

Active Member
I paid a lifetime of dues in that department and the grass must be green in that area or i'm not putting my picnic basket down. :cool:[/quote]


you do have a way with words! I'm hoping to put my picnic basket down at some point. I even have someone in mind...this thread may come handy. :)
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
i've told more than one GF over the years that it's hard to enjoy a gourmet meal when you're starving.:rolleyes:

there's a long tradition of ladies going out to just have fun after a long hiatus and get their groove back like stella, but that's not necessarily what's needed, IMO.

do whatever you need to do to find some relaxation & ease about navigating that aspect of things, P, so you can really enjoy getting to know this guy (and yourself). am sure you know how building things up in one's mind, out of over-eagerness or nerves, can easily lead to disappointment and stress.:kissme:

I hear ya. And The Guy is still the only one I want. I will take my time, as best I can, and I'm sure you know that, as a single parent, time is the one thing I don't have. If I'm going to shield DS, it's July or Christmas break. (And at Christmas, I'll be in Africa at my best guy friend's 50th B'day gala. Huge deal for African men. Spring break? No. Not waiting til then, unless The Guy is a non-starter. Must find out.) End of story. *shrug*
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
what I have learned from my relationships that have gone badly are that it wasn't so much about spiritual or political differences b/c even with those differences came a comapatability or ability to co-exist with respect where we disagreed...but, with the relationships that I have had that have gone poorly the issues have been more about how one acceptably interacts with another person in a responsible manner...how much each person is willing to extend themselves out of their comfort zone to meet the other person from time to time...it takes two people who are willing to do this...where there is principally only one, repeating themsleves to no effect, there is clearly a lack of interest on the other person's part..deo gratis...i have finally learned this..in my good relationships, people share...they share the work, they share the reaching, they share the apologies, they share the forgiveness, they share the sacrifice, they share......they share the listening, growing, reaching and bending...they share...and when things go poorly they find a way to apolize, be responsbile, and communicate that, even if heated at first, eventually is healing and caring.....I cannot and will not ever be in a relationship with a "taker".... ever again...some folks have been doing it so long they don't even recognize how to be something else...but I have to recognize when I am getting nothing....and that whoever is to blame, if I have tried to communicate it a jillion times and gotten nowhere, it isn't a match...the solution isn't that I keep trying harder or in a new way...it isn't...but that is my journey, my trap, my mistake...I don't know what you need to avoid
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
actually, come to think of it... smell is such a powerful marker of compatibility! if you don't like the way the guy smells, whether it's natural odor or even his sensibilities around what he puts on his body & how he cares for himself, it's a potent marker for an incompatibility somewhere.

some people don't care about that and are less sensitive. but i have freakishly sensitive smell so...:rolleyes:

loving the way a guy smells triggers something very primal in a woman's brain.:cool:
bit off topic...this is why my current wash machine is driving me nuts...it seems to generate must in and of itself...no matter how quickly you pull things out...and I am terrified that I may be walking around grossing people out....grumble...okay...unhighjack
 

samina

Well-Known Member
I hear ya. And The Guy is still the only one I want. I will take my time, as best I can, and I'm sure you know that, as a single parent, time is the one thing I don't have. If I'm going to shield DS, it's July or Christmas break. (And at Christmas, I'll be in Africa at my best guy friend's 50th B'day gala. Huge deal for African men. Spring break? No. Not waiting til then, unless The Guy is a non-starter. Must find out.) End of story. *shrug*
yes, i do understand about the single mom thing. navigated and shielded kidz from that for a long time.

i found that before a certain age, they are in a cocoon or bubble of "magic" that makes them less aware of such adult goings on, but after a point (as in, your son's age), they are very sensitive and aware. i kept my personal business utterly separate from their lives during those years, until i believe my former SO. so... that's a long time: late elemen., middle school & high school.

keeping your adult biz your own and not something your children must navigate allows you to have freedom to move and change, as well.
 

samina

Well-Known Member
bit off topic...this is why my current wash machine is driving me nuts...it seems to generate must in and of itself...no matter how quickly you pull things out...and I am terrified that I may be walking around grossing people out....grumble...okay...unhighjack
ah yes... "fester"... pet peeve of mine, and has been an issue for me in relationship. i cannot bear it.
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
have finally learned this..in my good relationships, people share...they share the work, they share the reaching, they share the apologies, they share the forgiveness, they share the sacrifice, they share......they share the listening, growing reaching and bending...they share...I cannot and will not ever be in a relationship with a "taker" ever again...

Yes. I will never again cater to a narcissist. Never. Again. Narcisssists cannot be pleased. And it's not about my failure or my dysfunction. It's about them. Done. Fini.

Sorry. Doing some on-the-couch work in front of the computer. :oops: :lol:
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
keeping your adult biz your own and not something your children must navigate allows you to have freedom to move and change, as well.

And it allows them to be kids.

My son bears so much sadness. He is so grown up and stoic for a 13-year-old. He will bear no more, if I have anything to say about it. No more. I cannot stop his father from acting like a midlife a-hole, but I don't have to act like one, as well.

That's it.


My dating life is something that DS will not have to carry on his shoulders. Full stop.
 

samina

Well-Known Member
what I have learned from my relationships that have gone badly are that it wasn't so much about spiritual or political differences b/c even with those differences came a comapatability or ability to co-exist with respect where we disagreed...but, with the relationships that I have had that have gone poorly the issues have been more about how one acceptably interacts with another person in a responsible manner...how much each person is willing to extend themselves out of their comfort zone to meet the other person from time to time...it takes two people who are willing to do this...where there is principally only one, repeating themsleves to no effect, there is clearly a lack of interest on the other person's part..deo gratis...i have finally learned this..in my good relationships, people share...they share the work, they share the reaching, they share the apologies, they share the forgiveness, they share the sacrifice, they share......they share the listening, growing, reaching and bending...they share...and when things go poorly they find a way to apolize, be responsbile, and communicate that, even if heated at first, eventually is healing and caring.....I cannot and will not ever be in a relationship with a "taker".... ever again...some folks have been doing it so long they don't even recognize how to be something else...but I have to recognize when I am getting nothing....and that whoever is to blame, if I have tried to communicate it a jillion times and gotten nowhere, it isn't a match...the solution isn't that I keep trying harder or in a new way...it isn't...but that is my journey, my trap, my mistake...I don't know what you need to avoid
there is so much here that i resonate with it's just silly, lolz, not just in past experience but in the momentito and my fresh choices going forward into the terrain of a new potential SO.
 
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