pygmalion's dating advice thread

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fascination

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true...but...in order for it to be true...i had to realize what it was in me that made me search for and long for that kind of person....i get it now.....
 

samina

Well-Known Member
My son bears so much sadness. He is so grown up and stoic for a 13-year-old. He will bear no more, if I have anything to say about it. No more. I cannot stop his father from acting like a midlife a-hole, but I don't have to act like one, as well.
i have a lot of experience in ministering to the wound in a boy's heart related to a father issue. if you ever want to talk about it, PM me. there is a way to regard it that gives you peace about it, as well, which IMO is critical so you can empower your son with calm assuredness into the water of healing... <knowing hug>
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
i have a lot of experience in ministering to the wound in a boy's heart related to a father issue. if you ever want to talk about it, PM me. there is a way to regard it that gives you peace about it, as well, which IMO is critical so you can empower your son with calm assuredness into the water of healing... <knowing hug>


:cry: :cry: :friend:
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
I think most of those wounds have to be healed by realizing that, just because someone didn't love you as they perhaps should have doesn't mean you are objectively unlovable...there is knowing that on a peripheral level...and there is deeply deeply beleiving and accepting that...that someone else was too limited, too broken, too addicted, too selfish, too wounded themselves, too self-absorbed, to do what seems to be the obvious decent thing over and over again, doesn't have to say something about me or my self worth...it is my job to examine my own culpabilities, but at a certain point some berhaviors are on them....I think kids have to be able to get there WRT their parents failings...precisely so that they don't go looking for the same thing in a spouse or a friend to redeem themselves from something that was never their fault in the first place
 

samina

Well-Known Member
quite agree, fasc. my own inner process in recent times around the issue is different, but have definitely had to come to that acceptance of failings and not-loved-enuf-ness in my life. in recent times tho, the issue has been different. yet the same, i guess.

like layahs of an onion... all peels down to the same core.
 

kckc

Active Member
looking forward to hearing about it, kckc!!! :)

three cheers for green pastures. :D
we shall see. I've known him casually for 6 or 7 years but unfortunately (or fortunately) he is as independent-freespirited as I am, which makes it hard to get him to stay in one place. And he is (gasp) 17 years older than me, which isn't necessarily a deal-breaker for me, but I suspect it is for him, confidence-wise (just going by an offhand remark he has made).

Since this has come up, what about age differences? I think the older the two people are, the less it matters (I'm in my mid-40s, but have always been more mature than my peers. Though men tell me I look 5-10 yrs. younger).
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
I think most of those wounds have to be healed by realizing that, just because someone didn't love you as they perhaps should have doesn't mean you are objectively unlovable...there is knowing that on a peripheral level...and there is deeply deeply beleiving and accepting that...that someone else was too limited, too broken, too addicted, too selfish, too wounded themselves, too self-absorbed, to do what seems to be the obvious decent thing over and over again, doesn't have to say something about me or my self worth...it is my job to examine my own culpabilities, but at a certain point some berhaviors are on them....I think kids have to be able to get there WRT their parents failings...precisely so that they don't go looking for the same thing in a spouse or a friend to redeem themselves from something that was never their fault in the first place

Wrote a long and angry rant. Didn't post. Apparently, writing it was enough.


I deserve to be loved. 'Nuf said.
 

samina

Well-Known Member
we shall see. I've known him casually for 6 or 7 years but unfortunately (or fortunately) he is as independent-freespirited as I am, which makes it hard to get him to stay in one place. And he is (gasp) 17 years older than me, which isn't necessarily a deal-breaker for me, but I suspect it is for him, confidence-wise (just going by an offhand remark he has made).

Since this has come up, what about age differences? I think the older the two people are, the less it matters (I'm in my mid-40s, but have always been more mature than my peers. Though men tell me I look 5-10 yrs. younger).
hmm... interesting. confidence-wise... you mean, you would make him feel more self-conscious about his age, i suppose?

well, to my mind, the bottom line is the two of you... the nature of what brings you together, what you have to offer each other and why. nobody on the outside can ever argue over something which two people find compelling and deeply purposeful.

having said that... i am quite persuaded that a mid-40s woman may be better partnered by a younger man (i said may... no absolutes here. ;)) but a woman at that age, regardless of how the media may portray her, may actually be coming into her peak, into her finest years, sexual vitality included.

there are many reasons for it, but i personally would have to be highly persuaded by a sense of destiny and profound purpose to settle into a relationship with a man 17 years my senior at this point in my life. and i will be 46 in a week or so.
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
we shall see. I've known him casually for 6 or 7 years but unfortunately (or fortunately) he is as independent-freespirited as I am, which makes it hard to get him to stay in one place. And he is (gasp) 17 years older than me, which isn't necessarily a deal-breaker for me, but I suspect it is for him, confidence-wise (just going by an offhand remark he has made).

Since this has come up, what about age differences? I think the older the two people are, the less it matters (I'm in my mid-40s, but have always been more mature than my peers. Though men tell me I look 5-10 yrs. younger).

Ask him out. Worked for me with my friend J. Love him to death. Think he's a hottie. But he's not comfortable with interracial (which I am.) I asked him out. He had to deal with his feelings. And now we're friends. That simple.

And hard.
 

kckc

Active Member
hmm... interesting. confidence-wise... you mean, you would make him feel more self-conscious about his age, i suppose?

well, to my mind, the bottom line is the two of you... the nature of what brings you together, what you have to offer each other and why. nobody on the outside can ever argue over something which two people find compelling and deeply purposeful.

having said that... i am quite persuaded that a mid-40s woman may be better partnered by a younger man (i said may... no absolutes here. ;)) but a woman at that age, regardless of how the media may portray her, may actually be coming into her peak, into her finest years, sexual vitality included.

there are many reasons for it, but i personally would have to be highly persuaded by a sense of destiny and profound purpose to settle into a relationship with a man 17 years my senior at this point in my life. and i will be 46 in a week or so.
I'm 46 now, and he is a young 63. I agree though, I am at my peak in many ways, though I really don't see myself with anyone younger. I've never been married and don't have kids, but the vast majority of men anywhere near my age are deeply entangled in (sometimes multiple) divorces and children. Throw in the aging parent thing and you see why I haven't dated in...ages...argh. Now I'm just depressing myself.

The good news is...he is a dancer :) How bad can that be!
 
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