Tanda Etiquette

AndaBien

Well-Known Member
#41
Generally, if a woman danced a tanda to the end, she enjoyed it...
Oh, I doubt that, unless you use the word "enjoyed" rather loosely. I think there are many women who will stick out a tanda just to be nice, rather than quit in the middle. There are women who will accept a tanda for the same reason, rather than decline.
 

twnkltoz

Well-Known Member
#42
Oh, I doubt that, unless you use the word "enjoyed" rather loosely. I think there are many women who will stick out a tanda just to be nice, rather than quit in the middle. There are women who will accept a tanda for the same reason, rather than decline.
Yes, I am one of them. I find it very hard to be rude or unkind, so I will accept most invitations and dance the whole tanda. Therefore, if I enjoyed it I really want him to know that. Plus, I just can't help myself! The tanda ends and I'm so full of joy and gratitude, I can't help but throw my arms around him, thank him, and tell him how wonderful he is...or some variation on that theme...maybe not always QUITE that effusive. :)
 

sixela

Well-Known Member
#43
When it was good I have sometimes received a furtive kiss on the cheek, or a two armed embrace and a squeeze just before we free ourselves (wrong word, really) from the abrazo. Rare, but it happens.
 

Zoopsia59

Well-Known Member
#44
What do you do at then end of a tanda, if everything goes well and you want to express appreciation and perhaps leave the door open for future encounters?

Gush. Nothing works on a male leader quite like the combination of dancing well with him and then gushing about how much I enjoyed dancing with him. It also helps to find something specific unique to him to praise. Pretty much every leader I've ever done this with asks me for a tanda every time I see him. The bonus is that somehow it loosens their tongue and they are more likely to be complimentary to me as well. Everyone likes to dance with partners that they KNOW enjoy dancing with them. Even if it's someone really good that you feel lucky to dance with, you don't want to feel like it was a charity dance or obligation.

What do you do if it went badly but you made it through all three, four or five songs?

Depends on why it went badly. If it was because the leader was just bad (but not injurious) and it's a practica (which is about all I go to now) I ask if he wants feedback, and I try to give him one or two hints about whatever I think will give him the best combination of A) easily implementable immediately B) biggest difference immediately C) most likely to affect a variety of partners. I dance with a lot of beginners so this happens frequently.

If he isn't receptive to feedback or it is a milonga, I smile and say thank you and move on. This is more likely with the "intermediate" leaders who have been dancing without ever improving for several years.

What do you do if,for some personal reason unrelated to dance, you have to leave the floor suddenly?

The only reason I have ever had to leave the floor suddenly was due to some sort of physical problem. If the problem is beyond the leader's control (ie: it would have been a problem no matter who I was dancing with at the time) I apologize profusely and make it clear that it wasn't his fault, he didn't hurt me, and that I should have known better than to accept a dance when I was already injured.

Oh wait... I did have a wardrobe malfunction once. I think the leader was fine with me running off to the ladies room. It was our 3rd date and we're still together. That was 8 years ago.

What do you do if the dance itself went so badly that you can't survive the twelve or fifteen minutes with this partner?

The only time I have ever had that happen was due to physical problems (see above) If the problem is due to that leader specifically, I apologize just as above making it clear that I am in pain, and then make a note to never dance with him again. Usually, it's not much use telling him he was the problem, because often it is painful only because of my own existing injuries and might not affect another follower.

If it is something that I think would bother ANY follower, I mention it first and if we can't find a way to improve it over the course of the tanda, or if he is totally unreceptive, I excuse myself using the above excuse and as above, he goes on my no-fly list. This is rare, BTW. Most of the time when it is a general problem that I think would affect other followers, the guy is receptive to my comments about it, which I ALWAYS couch in terms of "maybe it's because of my______, but this is uncomfortable".[/quote]
 

Zoopsia59

Well-Known Member
#46
Generally, if a woman danced a tanda to the end, she enjoyed it. The man knows it instinctively, doesn't he?
In my experience of men, they rarely instinctively know anything a woman is thinking and they get quite annoyed when women expect them to.

Maybe it's a cultural thing, but every man I've ever talked to about this (whether or not related to Tango) complains about women expecting him to be a mind-reader. They all just wish women would be direct and say what they want/ think/ like/ feel/ whatever.

Around here, women rarely don't finish a tanda with someone. It's no indication of whether she enjoyed dancing with the guy.
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
#48
What do you do at then end of a tanda, if everything goes well and you want to express appreciation and perhaps leave the door open for future encounters?

Gush. Nothing works on a male leader quite like the combination of dancing well with him and then gushing about how much I enjoyed dancing with him. It also helps to find something specific unique to him to praise. Pretty much every leader I've ever done this with asks me for a tanda every time I see him. The bonus is that somehow it loosens their tongue and they are more likely to be complimentary to me as well. Everyone likes to dance with partners that they KNOW enjoy dancing with them. Even if it's someone really good that you feel lucky to dance with, you don't want to feel like it was a charity dance or obligation.

What do you do if it went badly but you made it through all three, four or five songs?

Depends on why it went badly. If it was because the leader was just bad (but not injurious) and it's a practica (which is about all I go to now) I ask if he wants feedback, and I try to give him one or two hints about whatever I think will give him the best combination of A) easily implementable immediately B) biggest difference immediately C) most likely to affect a variety of partners. I dance with a lot of beginners so this happens frequently.

If he isn't receptive to feedback or it is a milonga, I smile and say thank you and move on. This is more likely with the "intermediate" leaders who have been dancing without ever improving for several years.

What do you do if,for some personal reason unrelated to dance, you have to leave the floor suddenly?

The only reason I have ever had to leave the floor suddenly was due to some sort of physical problem. If the problem is beyond the leader's control (ie: it would have been a problem no matter who I was dancing with at the time) I apologize profusely and make it clear that it wasn't his fault, he didn't hurt me, and that I should have known better than to accept a dance when I was already injured.

Oh wait... I did have a wardrobe malfunction once. I think the leader was fine with me running off to the ladies room. It was our 3rd date and we're still together. That was 8 years ago.

What do you do if the dance itself went so badly that you can't survive the twelve or fifteen minutes with this partner?

The only time I have ever had that happen was due to physical problems (see above) If the problem is due to that leader specifically, I apologize just as above making it clear that I am in pain, and then make a note to never dance with him again. Usually, it's not much use telling him he was the problem, because often it is painful only because of my own existing injuries and might not affect another follower.

If it is something that I think would bother ANY follower, I mention it first and if we can't find a way to improve it over the course of the tanda, or if he is totally unreceptive, I excuse myself using the above excuse and as above, he goes on my no-fly list. This is rare, BTW. Most of the time when it is a general problem that I think would affect other followers, the guy is receptive to my comments about it, which I ALWAYS couch in terms of "maybe it's because of my______, but this is uncomfortable".
[/quote]




Sounds like practicas are where I need to be, for now.
 

jantango

Active Member
#49
In my experience of men, they rarely instinctively know anything a woman is thinking and they get quite annoyed when women expect them to.

Maybe it's a cultural thing, but every man I've ever talked to about this (whether or not related to Tango) complains about women expecting him to be a mind-reader. They all just wish women would be direct and say what they want/ think/ like/ feel/ whatever.

Around here, women rarely don't finish a tanda with someone. It's no indication of whether she enjoyed dancing with the guy.
If a woman lingers in his embrace after a dance, he knows what it mean.
If she melts in his arms, he knows what it means.
It is a cultural thing. Portenos know when a woman enjoys the tanda. They feel it.

I see all the smiling faces of dancers as they leave the floor at the end of a tanda. That's confirmation enough. They're busy talking about other things, not trying to boost the man's ego. Portenos are different in that respect.
 

twnkltoz

Well-Known Member
#54
Yes, they don't seem to have egos as fragile as their US counterparts.
;)
If a woman lingers in his embrace after a dance, he knows what it mean.
If she melts in his arms, he knows what it means.
It is a cultural thing. Portenos know when a woman enjoys the tanda. They feel it.

I see all the smiling faces of dancers as they leave the floor at the end of a tanda. That's confirmation enough. They're busy talking about other things, not trying to boost the man's ego. Portenos are different in that respect.
Why is it so wrong to thank them and tell them you enjoyed it? Why do they have to guess? How is anyone harmed by paying a compliment and expressing appreciation?
 

opendoor

Well-Known Member
#55
In my experience of men, they rarely instinctively know anything a woman is thinking and.....
Already quoted this really telling psychological experiment before: self confident men (self report and questionaire) were individually exposed to an actress in a bar situation. she had play an unapproachable woman or an interested getatable respectively. The plot was repeated with shy men. Think you can guess what came out:
All self confident men could not recognize an unapproachable posture and found all women open and interested. All shy men could not discriminate too, but interpeted all attitudes as unapproachable.
 

sixela

Well-Known Member
#56
Why is it so wrong to thank them and tell them you enjoyed it? Why do they have to guess? How is anyone harmed by paying a compliment and expressing appreciation?
It's not "wrong". It's just that different cultures have different ways of expressing some things.

By the way, jan is right: in their culture these men do not have to guess whether the tanda was good any more than if they had been spelled it out on tablets of stone descended from heaven. On the contrary, in that culture compliments are often experienced as being more sincere if it's done without (many) words: you underestimate the effects a smile, a simple 'muy bien', a pinch on the forearm and an arm wrapped around you while she escorts you from the dance floor can have...

Whether all of that transfers well to other places is a different thing. Some of the non-verbal communication travels well to Europe but the cabeceo often does not.

In the US the codes seem to be completely different, and what would be effusive praise from a porteña here would probably be seen as utter contempt in some parts of the US.
 

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