yesterday's activities

3wishes

Well-Known Member
Pyg, my husband is also French (mothers side of family),,,and yes, he just blurts things out...after observation or my resistence to his offer to help. And, as I've run into 90% of his family...yep....they don't hold back comments that I deem as rude...it's just their cultural nature I suppose.
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
yes...and for me, I can do without unsolicited observations...shrug

This. But, having spent a decade and a half of my life adjusting to a culture in which unsolicited advice is not only accepted but expected, I think that everybody has a point, here.

In American culture, offering someone ones personal observations about them and their life choices is verboten unless you're specifically asked OR very, very close to them. BUT the fact that observations are unsolicited doesn't make them untrue. AND there are many, many cultures in the world where telling the unvarnished truth is expected, even with complete strangers.

So, since only I have the whole picture of what's going on in my life, it's up to me to have both the maturity to accept and act on helpful feedback and the insight to sense when that feedback doesn't apply in my life.

Heck. I've spent the last decade in online discussion forums like this one where people who had only the slightest glimpse into my life have given me ALL SORTS of feedback, some insightful, some not applicable, some downright insulting. It's up to me to consider the source, respect the good intentions and make my own decisions.

It's all good. :)
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
sure...what one does with it it and whether or not it is welcome or true are all separate things....just as I wouldn't respond rudely to someone who did do such a thing, I would feel perfectly within my own rights to gently let them know that they are, in my view, providing an unwanted service...if I want that sort of thing, I will ask, go to a friend(and friend means something significant in my book) or see a therapist ... sure, people are free to do it... and, and trust me, I am totally accustomed to those cultural norms...but while I frame it as rude, I am capable of grasping that it was not the intention
 

Sagitta

Well-Known Member
Thursday:
9-10am Tai Chi
10:30 to 11:30 Birthday breakfast with a couple of friends (1 had birthday 21st, and mine was 27th)
11:30am to 2:45 pm Some internet catch-up and finished blog post for Saturday. Then a short nap in library.
2:45- 5:15pm Ran Game Time for kids in public library
5:30pm to 6:30pm Tai Chi
6:30pm - 8:30pm Grocery shopping and then home
8:30 - 11:30pm - Vegging out. Called mom as birthday is the 30th and 30th in Goa, India
11:30pm Bed
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
today (FRI)teach bike and bench...hear that someone has had a complaint about my class and despite having every opportunity to let me know, preferred to grouse about it to everyone else...I hate that....my ego can take needing to tweak something here or there for someone but, given that I have always announced that I welcome feedback, and having a history of always responding well to those sorts of requests, I find it rather annoying...

moving along, new illness symptoms including swollen eyes and two other things too offensive to mention...lovely...in complete defiance of how badly things are sucking, I drive to Chicago to see dh's new office and we go to the Kringle market.....German open aire wonderland filled with hand blown ornaments and potato pancakes and many other glorious things.....

head to Fields (no, I will never call it Macy's)and buy the Frango supply....lose my lunch....drive home....okay then...coax body to receive rice and broccoli, which has, for the time being, not been rejected

dh has a netflix movie...I have actually seen it with pro's dtr, but it was a nice gesture on dh's part so I imagine we will watch that if I manage to stay awake....have to teach interval tomorrow, but I am now on a mission so they had better be ready...my plan for the rest of the weekend after that class is to remain in the "heavenly bed" until Monday
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
I am resisting the urge to grouse that going to the doctor is not on the agenda. I know that you're a grown woman with good judgment and that you've probably had a belly full of people with far more rights than I have to fuss at you. Just checking in to say that I am concerned. Please take it as easy as you possibly can. I truly hope that you feel much better, very, very soon.
 

fascination

Site Moderator
Staff member
I have ordered myself to begin getting well at exactly 10:01a.m. tomorrow...today was honestly a mental wellness thing....dh and I just needed it...and, yes, I have had many a sound thrashing for it from folks all of whom I appreciate ...so thank you
 

Sagitta

Well-Known Member
Friday
7:00am up and breakfast plus stationary bike and shower and out of house
9:00am dropped off car at dealer and got loan car
9:15 to 10:20am shopping for spatulas and other baking stuff, then back home
10:20am-4:00pm laundry, choco banana bread, lunch, plain milk toffee. Dealer calls me to say I can keep car overnight as my car isn't ready
4:15-9:15 pm go to work, then back home
9:15 to now (12:30am...)? Dinner, wash all cooking stuff, take pictures of treats made and put away, catch up on email.
Now? Bed!
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
Last couple of days: Nothing to write home about, in a positive or negative direction.

DS's French language children's book was a big hit with the girls because, not only was the story line cute, but because there were actual fluffy dog hand puppets attached. Apparently, girls like fluffy. *grin* Since the addition of fluffiness was my idea, I inform DS that he owes me ... more than he already did. He agrees, probably because he has no intention of ever repaying me. His tab is way too high at this point.

Yesterday, hilarious and earthy conversation with GFs at work. One lady, in particular, is a PISTOL in capital letters. Once she gets started with her stories, there's no telling where you might end up. Yesterday, we ended up at "Middle Aged Women Talking About Sex" Land. Oh my. Observations overheard: "Hmm. If I'm going to have sex, it had better be good!" and "Sex is highly overrated, if you ask me. All that grunting and sweating. And so much drama. Eww." "If I can't trust you, there's no way you're getting anywhere near my va-jay-jay." What a hoot. There's nothing quite like middle aged women talking about sex. Hilarious.

Major coup at the gas station. I figure, if I play my cards right and plan holiday and grocery shopping just right, I will be able to score a $2/gallon discount every fill-up for the rest of the year. Nice! :)

Nothing much else comes to mind but, if something interesting pops up, I'll be back. :)
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
Oh yeah and I'm pretty sure that one of my neighbors died last night. When I got home from work, there was a fire engine out front. A minute later, it was joined by an EMT truck/ mobile IC Unit. Okay. Got that. Seen it plenty of times. BUT ... the fire truck left and the EMT truck was still there, an hour later. I cannot envision a scenario, other than death, in which an ICU unit would stay on the scene for an hour, with the nearest emergency room literally (I know you hate that word, Peaches, but it's actually true) two minutes away.

*sigh* I guess I'll find out later today. *sigh again*
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
sure...what one does with it it and whether or not it is welcome or true are all separate things....just as I wouldn't respond rudely to someone who did do such a thing, I would feel perfectly within my own rights to gently let them know that they are, in my view, providing an unwanted service...if I want that sort of thing, I will ask, go to a friend(and friend means something significant in my book) or see a therapist ... sure, people are free to do it... and, and trust me, I am totally accustomed to those cultural norms...but while I frame it as rude, I am capable of grasping that it was not the intention
I've been thinking long and hard about whether to say this, but I will trust y'all and say it. My view around the rude and honest stranger approach is shaped by two scriptures. Depending on the translation, one scripture says, "All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial," or "All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful," or "I am allowed to do anything, but not everything is good for you." The other scripture (in most translations) says, "There is a time to be silent and a time to speak."

My take? Just because I think something is true does not necessarily make it a good idea for me to say it right now or maybe even at all.

Tact, timing and discretion are also important, among other things, in my most humble view.

Bottom line? My French coworker has a truth that I am considering and will continue to think about. But she has no idea why I don't see the world the way she does.
 

ChaChaMama

Well-Known Member
FRIDAY:
8:20ish--Drop Child at school.

9:10--ENG 1101. Class is supposed to be six oral reports. Three presentations go:
-Why No Child Left Behind does more harm than good.
-Homeschooling.
-Why Colorado made the wrong decision when they decided to allow guns on college campuses.
Two of the presenters do not show. I think this would be a very appropriate time to say TDNWMH.
To make matters worse, one of the girls there is co-presenting with one of the absentees. She texts her. We wait.
While waiting, I notice the clock in the room is wrong. I stand on a chair to take it down and change it. I drop it and break it. Glass everywhere.
After 10 minutes of waiting for late girl, I let the class go...and then late girl shows. I do not say "It's okay!" because it really isn't, but I do tell her she can go on Monday.

--Press re-set button this day!--

Last 30 minute paper conference.

11:30-3--Grade 5 8-10 page research papers and the 3 oral presentations that went today.

Take care of a couple things and talk to colleagues.
4ish--Head home!

"Young Frankenstein" for Family Fun Night.

Out to grocery store to get some new make-up items for comp, as I decide my mascara is too clumpy, and I can't find what I've done with my favorite eyeliner. (I pretty much never wear make-up normally.)
Pack.

To bed--tried to do it by 10, but wound up being more like 10:30.
 

Sagitta

Well-Known Member
Friday
7:00am up and breakfast plus stationary bike and shower and out of house
9:00am dropped off car at dealer and got loan car
9:15 to 10:20am shopping for spatulas and other baking stuff, then back home
10:20am-4:00pm laundry, choco banana bread, lunch, plain milk toffee. Dealer calls me to say I can keep car overnight as my car isn't ready
4:15-9:15 pm go to work, then back home
9:15 to now (12:30am...)? Dinner, wash all cooking stuff, take pictures of treats made and put away, catch up on email.
Now? Bed!
 

Peaches

Well-Known Member
Up, etc.

Drive to visit brother and SIL and newest niece. As requested, stop along the way and go grocery shopping, paying special attention to healthy, easy to eat food. Cheese, crackers, veggie and fruit trays (yes, they're more expensive, but it means there is no cutting/washing/whatevering involved), oatmeal, cereal, yogurt, cottage cheese, peanut butter, juice, crystal light, etc. Stop to pick up lunch at Panera.

Arrive. Brother greets me with, "Oh my god, I am so glad you're here." :) It's nice to be appreciated. Put away groceries, chat with brother. SIL comes down with baby, fix lunch for people. Offer to hold baby so they can eat in peace. Brother's response, "You don't do babies." Well, no, but I do go in for helping my brother. Thankfully, ;), they decline. Do laundry, fold laundry, bring laundry upstairs, do more laundry, vacuum, straighten kitchen, visit, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up kitchen from dinner.

Have good conversation with them about baby holding: they are not offended and are cool. SIL's answer to my mom's obsession with me holding the baby is to lie. Official story now concocted: I held the baby. That should work. SIL's response to the conversation: "I watched you actually physically back away from [cousin's kid]. You didn't realize you were doing it. I get it's not personal." Cool.

Head to friend's house. Watch two good movies: Brave (which was rather a bit sappyer and less amusing than I'd have hoped), and Lawless. Drive home. Z.
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
I love you so much, Peaches! So much.

I thank you on behalf of your brother and SIL. You absolutely rock when it comes to helping folks. You rock. If you have to get them groceries again, find out if SIL likes Boost or Ensure. ETA: Or Carnation. Or probably others. Those whatcha callit nutritional drinks saved my potatoes, when DS was a baby. I had no help, much of the time, when DS was a baby. During the day when my GFs were at work, I could grab a Boost and drink it while DS was torturing me with his alternate screaming, pooping, nursing and whining. lol. Thank God I had one GF in particular who would come over after work and bring food. But, during the day, Boost and Ensure saved me.
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
Oh yeah and re: baby holding. Here's the deal, P. Holding a baby is something that passes. Babies don't even want to be held, once the first several months pass. (Except by Mommy when they're sick. And even that passes.) They want to explore and crawl or run around and play.

Being a freaking awesome cool Auntie is something that can start when the kid is four (or whatever age is comfortable for you) and last for the rest of your life, if you want it to. Not liking babies DOES NOT mean not liking your brother's kidlet.

You are a good person.
 

Peaches

Well-Known Member
Thank you, P. I don't know if you realize how much it helps to "hear" that.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about why I've felt so angry and resentful about this whole thing, and how best to approach the subject with my mom in a constructive way so that I can get my point across instead of just inflaming the situation further. I've come to realize that part of why her insistence really bothers me is that it makes me feel like the contribution I can make is not worthy (because it doesn't fit the expected mold). And, because the contribution I can make is a direct result of my sort of personality (planning, logical, etc.), it feels like a direct rejection of me. That's pretty hard to swallow.

But when I realized that, I realized that I can also have a way to frame it for my mom. It's very like her situation with her brother regarding their parents (my grandparents). My uncle is very good at handling the logistics, and the planning, and the matter-of-fact dealing with the day-to-day stuff, but can't handle the emotional side of things at all. My mom can't deal with the hard details (and is also 10 hours away), but is very good at managing the emotional/interpersonal side of things. Nonetheless, my uncle often gets angry at my mom for balking at the stuff she's not comfortable with (helping them to shower, etc., is one stark example)...while my mom pleads that they each have their strength and why can't he recognize her contribution to the situation.

It's kind of underhanded, but I'm thinking that if explain it to her along these lines, and relate it to her struggle, then maybe she'll see the parallels. One can hope.
 

pygmalion

Well-Known Member
Good going. Mom-nipulation in reverse. lol. J/K!


My take, P, is that life milestones make people revert to their stress personalities. Babies, marriages, deaths, layoffs. People aren't themselves. They are frozen caricatures of themselves, entrenched in idealized positions.

Your Mom wants to be the perfect Grandmom and the matriarch of the perfect family. Your not being a baby person doesn't fit. That doesn't mean she doesn't value your contributions. she's just dealing with other stuff. Just like you're having to deal with being always the Auntie and never the Mom, your Mom is having to deal with being the Grandmom, with whatever baggage that brings her. Both of you are in transition. It's hard.These are my two probably misguided cents.


Only because I love you, I will share a personal story. When DS was born by emergency c-section, he was away from me for roughly the first 24 hours of his life, while I was coming out from under anesthesia. When I got him, he already had nipple confusion, which means he didn't want to nurse. He wanted a bottle, but he didn't want me. When my Mom came to visit and "help" me, she tormented me. There's no other word for it. She could not wrap her mind around the fact that DS and I could not successfully nurse without problems. All of her kids had nursed without a problem. So I must have been doing something wrong. That is the only time in my life that my mother drove me to tears. As much as I resented her sorry behind and wanted her to just go the hell home and leave me alone, I knew even then that her *stuff* wasn't about me. It was about her trying to be a good Mom and a good Grandmom and trying to make me, her "baby," fit her idealized vision of how things should be.

This is not about you, P. Your Mom (probably) has her stuff to deal with too.
 

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